Fear

We went to church as a family today.  It's been hard getting the kids to go to church since Jason died, but it gets easier (especially with Jack) when Kevin can go with us.  Caroline has always been easy, but Jack always modeled his church going behavior after his dad.  If Jason didn't go, Jack didn't want to either.  It got more complicated when Jason got sick, because on the days he was home and sick he didn't want to go.  As a result, neither did Jack.  Caroline became more adamant about staying home because deep down she was afraid she'd go to church and Jason would be gone (either back to the hospital or worse) when she returned.

Since Jason passed, Caroline has been easier to get to church because she hopes that by going it'll show God she's not angry with him, and she's closer to her dad.  Jack on the other hand was thrown into turmoil upon Jason's death.  It was difficult, still is somewhat to this day, for him to understand why God took such a wonderful man.  We've had our discussions, and I've even spoken with him about my view on God's love, and that God understands that we get angry with him.  In our case, I'd like to believe that God was okay with it.  After all, there wasn't anyone or anything "tangible" to be angry with (which is part of the grieving process).  I've told them it is a little like when they're angry or sad and they rail against me, I let them.  After all, I'm safe.  I know they're not mad or angry with me, but their feelings need to come out and I will always love them regardless.  God is the same way.  He knows we need to grieve, and he's okay with us railing against him.  It's okay, as long as we don't turn away.  It's been great having my sister with us still.  The kids often ask her for her take on it.  And as a great godmother, she's gives them her view.  Another great influence for Jack is Kevin.  He and I have spoken about Jack's tendency to model his behavior after Jason (when he was alive), and now of Kevin's behavior regarding church.  To his credit, Kevin has jumped in with both feet.  When we are down in Kyle we have started going to the Baptist church that Kevin is a member of, and when Kevin is here he goes with us to our church.

Today, at church, began a new sermon series...Against the Odds.  We are going to be looking at stories in the Bible where people overcame the odds to accomplish something.  I immediately thought of Esther, but the lesson was about the Israelites and their plight as recorded in Numbers.  Each tribe elected one person to act as a scout, and these scouts went in to the Promised Land to scout it out.  It was everything they'd been told about, except there were enemy tribes and fortified cities that they were afraid of.  Two out of the Twelve scouts believed that the Israelites would persevere because God was on their side, but the remaining 10 were afraid.  Caleb and Joshua were the two scouts who had faith that God would be with them, and for their faith they were rewarded later.

The message was that really, fear is a person's biggest obstacle.  Fear keeps us from doing things in life and from all of the possibilities that life has to offer.  But we need to always remember that God was with us yesterday during everything that happened to us, and he'll be with us today and even tomorrow.  I believe our pastor even quoted Matthew 28:20 (not sure, because I had Jack giving me his take on the sermon while it was going on).  I really took that message to heart.  God has been with me always in my life, even when I thought he'd abandoned me (i.e. Jason's death).  But when I look back at everything that happened, I realize he was there.  Quietly, calmly, through friends and family, and our church he was there.

I have some big decisions looming in the future, and I am somewhat afraid.  But I have been lucky enough to have met my own Caleb and Joshua in my life.  Jason and Kevin.  Jason, I'm sure, was afraid sometimes but he believed that things would be okay (and in a way, they are).  Kevin, is the same way.  I'm sure he has his fears about things, but he wants me to not be afraid so he talks us through it and continues to have faith.

I have written in my weekly planner something from Proverbs 1:25 - Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked when it cometh.  I am going to do my best to step forward in my faith in God.  Hopefully, it won't be so scary.