Yearly Check-in: for more family who aren't here anymore

 I've said it once, and I'll say it again: the beginning of April kicks rocks.  I have been lax in my yearly check-ins, but making them reminds me of who isn't here anymore.  That number grows every year, and it gets harder to bring myself to update. So here it goes, a letter addressed to Jason, but now includes my mom, and his mom and dad.

I am back in Richardson.  I decided that moving out of the house wasn't the best idea because mortgage rates haven't gone back down, and I can't bring myself to pack up the house and leave.  However, if property taxes don't get better, I may be taxed out of this neighborhood.  I feel that anyone whose opinion I value would agree and support the move, but it's hard to think about.  So I do what I do best, and don't think about it.  As a result of deciding not to move, I also returned to the school district (I often quote movie lines now and the kids have no clue what I'm talking about, but you will.)  I have been blessed and ended up at the elementary school five minutes from the house (15 minute walk).  I have been teaching sixth grade math for the first time since the year you passed away; which means it's the first time since the TEKS were moved down a year.  It has been a learning curve to say the least, but I just try and remember how I felt as a twelve year old struggling to understand (and even as a parent of twelve year olds trying to explain a concept).  I feel like I have been able to balance the demands of school while balancing home life better.  It also helps that the kids are adulting more and don't need me as much.

Empty Nest:

For all intents and purposes, I am an empty nester.  It has been an adjustment.  I was so involved (while not being involved) with the kids and their journey, that now I am having to redefine who I am.  That has been a struggle.  I'll be honest.  My whole identity from 2001 to 2025 was "Mom" or "Momager".  Part of that was due to trying to make sure that you got settled in your administrator journey, then keeping their lives normal after your diagnosis, then dealing with losing you.  But now, they're proving that they are going to be just fine, and I am so proud of that.  Have there been some bumps? Yes.  Do they surround themselves with people who can help them when they stumble? Also yes.  But they've also proven that they have paid attention to lessons from everyone who played a part in their journey after you were gone.  

The kids: Let's Work Backwards

Caroline: She is doing well.  She is GRADUATING from Texas Tech in May.  She worked her butt off to catch up after changing her major, but she is going to graduate in May.  So stinking proud of her.  She is currently living at Aunt Kristen's house while Kirsten decides what to do with the house.  I am really glad that she took the chance and decided to "house sit".  It is kind of a safe way for her to see what living on her own will be like.  It's also closer to the zoo, so she doesn't have to be in traffic as long.  She is still working at the zoo as a Coordinator for Volunteers and Interns.  She continues to coach club volleyball and used that money along with the PELL grant and other scholarships so that she will graduate debt free.  Whew!  Caroline recently rescued a cat from the zoo.  His name is Todd.  I got a call from her one day and she said, "Mom.  Hear me out..."  Apparently, he was a stray that had gotten caught between two of the bird exhibits and was discovered when the birds made it known he was there.  Because he was a male, they would've had to euthanize him (they used to spay females and then release, but males they had to euthanize).  They would've had to do that to Todd (Toaster) unless someone stepped up to take him.  So, Caroline did. Now we have a cat.  He's so chill, reminds me of the first cat I had.  Surprisingly enough, I'm not completely allergic to him.  

Jack: Jack and Emma just got back from Boston.  They have been doing so good.  Jack continues with his work as a Data Engineer, I think you'd be proud, I know I am.  Emma is so good for him.  She definitely keeps him grounded. Jack still calls regularly (just like you did with your mom).  It's always great talking to him.  Neither kid knows this, but the fact that they call regularly helps me feel less "by myself" as I adjust to the "empty nest" phase.  The other day he called while he was on his way to play basketball with his friends.  Made me think of you the summers away from SFA that you and Kennon played basketball after you got off work in Maintenance. I'm not sure if I have told you, but they recently got a cat.  That's right, a cat.  Beans. That's not her official name, but you know us, we give nicknames.  She's cute and he's not allergic to her.

As for me, well, I'm good.  But you know that.  You know the kind of adult my mom raised.  I'm getting better at not sweating the money thing (trauma response from growing up).   I'm doing better about being too introverted.  I still don't go to church in person, just download the sermons. Maybe once I retire and don't have to deal with people all of the time I'll go back.  But right now, I just want one day where I don't have to talk to or navigate people.  During the week it's kids (60 of them), their parents, and the gazillion decisions that I have to make between 7:15 and 3:45 pm.  I'm truly lucky though.  The last couple of campuses I have been at have been very supportive.  In that aspect, I have truly been blessed.  I haven't gained any of the weight I had gained before.  I've been able to maintain the weight.  That's in large part due to the support I've been getting at work and at home.  Kevin has been very supportive of my health changes.  I've struggled with "pre-diabetes" for awhile.  I've fluctuated between "pre-diabetes" and "diabetes" in the blood sugar range for while now.   I was able to control it before with medication, but I'm sure you've noticed that our healthcare system is broken.  So the medicine I was on isn't covered by my insurance.  TRS will cover your mental health, but not your diabetes.  In order to get my medicine, I needed to pay my entire deductible the first time.  I hate to break it to them, but I don't have thousands of dollars just hanging out in my bank account  So Kevin and I have been searching for ways to keep my blood sugar in check.  I now get why my mom went for walks ALL of the time. It helps. I'll figure it out though, just keep plugging away.  Not working at a stressful campus (campuses in the last few years) has been a HUGE help.  

That's about it.  I know you already know all of this, but it helps me.

Never met a stranger.

Anyone who knew my mom, knew she LOVED to meet new people.  You couldn't go anywhere without her striking up conversations with strangers.  One memory I have is when she and my older sister went to NYC to visit my younger sister.  I can't remember where they were going, but the instructions given to my mom were simple, "Don't make eye contact and don't start a conversation."  As soon as they emerged from the subway, my mom made eye contact with a rough looking gentleman and said, "Hi!"  If memory serves, the man wasn't quite sure what to do, so he returned the greeting.  I haven't seen the show, but in this scene, Susan reminds me of my mom.

 

A Search for Answers

As the Winter Storm of 2026 was descending on my town, Kevin and I did some last minute grocery runs to make sure my daughter had what she needed to weather her first ice storm solo.  As I was winding my way through the grocery store, my phone dinged with a message.  I checked it noticing the unknown number, but the message is what caught my attention.  "Just checking in that YOU are okay.  Heard your campus had a scary day." I figured out who it was and responded back that I was doing just fine.  It was not the first time I had made that statement, "I'm fine, thanks."  

My school building had been inundated with a show of force by district administration after the event of the day before.  The day before, we had been put on a lockdown around 2:45 pm due to an item that shouldn't have been at school in someone's backpack.  Sometimes we have unannounced drills, such as fire drills and such. However, we NEVER have unannounced lockdown drills.  The kids were amazing and went to the designated spots, but many were giggling because they thought it was a drill.  I received a message on my phone that indicated who had initiated the lockdown, and it wasn't an administrator.  That was my first indication that this wasn't a drill.  The kids clued in after we had no-one checking that our door was locked, and it lasted longer than the regular 2-3 minutes a drill normally would.  As the reality sunk in, several things happened.  Several kids started crying, one kid handed me a pair of scissors, "Just in case," and my senses were heightened.  We were finally released from the lockdown by 3:10 pm, and kids went home.  I immediately texted my own children what had happened, in case it had made the news, but that was it.  My students know that above all else, my job is to keep them safe.  

But as I reflected on all of the upper admin's inquiries as to my mental health, the messages I received checking in on me, and the emails from co-workers reminding us about the district's mental health services, I asked Kevin, "Is there something wrong with me?"

He was puzzled.  Why would I ask that?  My response was simple, "Everyone is seriously freaking out about this instance.  Shouldn't I be that way?  Shouldn't I be scared to go to work, scared that the situation even happened?  After some reflection, I realized, "No.  There is nothing wrong with me."  

And here is why:

1. I have been teaching for 32 years, or 26 of them, we've practiced lockdown drills,

2. I've taught in several schools where lockdowns occurred more often than the drill.

3. I know what my responsibility is,

4. My kids are old enough that they don't need me like they did when they were little.  It'd suck on what I'd miss out on, but they'd be okay.

5. There were no shouts, no gunshots, and no sirens,

6. And my door locked and there was only one way in the room.

I might've been affected more if I'd heard gunshots, running or sirens.  I might've been more scared if there was more than one entry point (which several of our rooms have), or if my door didn't lock.  

But knowing the climate of our country, the climate of my state, and the view some on teaching; I know what's expected of me.  I know what I'm up against, and I have made peace with it.

Unexpected Wisdom: Hearing Life's Messages in the Unlikeliest of Places

 It's been a little over a year when I made a decision that put me on a path of rediscover.  I recently had an encounter with a former acquaintance  through visiting my alma mater elementary school that will close down this year.  It was mentioned that if I wanted to come back to the district, they do pay teachers the highest in the area.  

I wasn't going to pursue it, and on a certain level (because of my insecurity with not having enough money to cover issues) it made me sad.  I mentioned this to my daughter because she noticed that I was a little down.  Her response reinforced for me the decision that I'd made.  

She said, "You know mom.  I like the _______ Mrs. Huffman and not the old one."  

The Old One

The old Mrs. Huffman was realizing the vision was different than the district she worked in.  The old Mrs. Huffman was losing her joy of being in the classroom due to the stress of severe behaviors not being addressed, the inequality of support for certain areas (even though it is said there isn't).

The old Mrs. Huffman was losing her hair, gaining weight, chasing a finish line that kept being moved, and going to bed at 8 on weeknights because she was so tired from the day.  The old Mrs. Huffman was torn because of what would be lost and then have to work double time to catch up if she missed, was questioned about professionalism when she tried to advocate for students, and was told to solve a problem without support for a topic that teachers were told needed to be fixed.  

Basically, the Old Mrs. Huffman was a sinking ship and in order to right her, needed to retire. I could retire that upcoming December, so I figured, I'd go somewhere else, teach for another year and retire at the end of that.

Foreshadowing Change: The ________ Mrs. Huffman

Back in the early 2000's, my late husband and I decided that it would be better for our family and our job opportunities (we wanted to be administrators), if we moved out of the town we lived in. It was a gut wrenching decision for my late husband because he'd envisioned himself working in the same district that his dad had worked in. However, realizing that wasn't going to happen at that point, the decision was made to leave. He ended up getting an administrative job in a smaller district (in comparison to where we were) and that ended up being the best thing ever. He was so happy to be a part of a wonderful district, that we were sad when that ended. While he worked in the district that he loved and felt supported in, I worked as a classroom teacher back in the district I would leave years later.

This foreshadowing event has often played in my mind on the drive home from work. I moved to a smaller district and I love it. The way I felt as a new teacher, is similar to how I feel now. It has been an awesome move. I have lost weight, my hair is growing back, I don't have to stress (too much) about work or the kids. And I decided to not retire at the end of the year.

So, the lesson learned is this: More money (in this situation) means more stress. I wouldn't be able to do it for long before the older symptoms come back. So, I'll go with my gut on this one (and my daughter's opinion) and stay where I am. It's the best place to be bar none.

Who would've guessed it?

 

Jason used to say, "Don't worry honey.  It'll click for him someday."  Well, that "someday" happened in high school, and boy did he run with it.  On Saturday, Jack graduated from college with a major in Math and Education (he minored in Computer Science).  Not only did he graduate with the degree in math, but he did it Summa Cum Laude.  I cannot tell you how proud we were that he graduated, but that he graduated with a MATH degree.  His dad would've been so stinking proud of him.  

You see, Jack struggled in school.  And I mean STRUGGLED.  In 1st grade, his dad had to have a parent meeting with Jack's teacher because Jack kept stuffing his math papers (and only his math papers) in the back of his desk.  In upper elementary, we'd frantically finish MATH papers because he didn't turn them in.  He always had to stay for MATH tutoring in elementary and junior high.  Only in junior high when he realized that it helped him understand it better, did I not have to feel like the World's Worst mom for making him stay.  

In junior high, his 7th grade math teacher (and Navy veteran) helped him realize that tutoring wasn't so bad, and that people were willing to help you out if you showed the effort and that you cared.  In high school, his Offensive Line coach (who got his doctorate in math) and a couple of other math teachers helped him understand that he did truly know the math, he just needed the confidence.  His geometry teacher encouraged him to take Pre-AP Algebra, and his algebra teacher encouraged him to take Pre-AP Algebra III.  When he went to college to play football and pursue his degree, they placed him as an English major even though he thought he wanted to do math.  After a year of that, he decided English wasn't where his passion was and switched to math.  He truly took off after that.

As a Reading/Language Arts teacher, it was always amazing to hear him explain a concept to someone.  He has also begun looking at computer sciences and AI and built his own computer.  His dad and I always knew it would click for him.  And it did.

Shutting down the brain at night.

I know, based on my science classes, that the brain doesn't completely shut down at night.  That's why we dream.  However, sometimes, it would be nice if I didn't remember the dream.  I remember one conversation I had with my older sister about a dream she'd had that was really scary.  It was a little comical listening to the story, but I knew from experience that it was scary in the moment.  

The story goes...She was being chased by an unknown menace.  As she ran up the alley behind our house, she stopped and actually thought to herself..."Okay.  If this is a dream, I'll wake up."  And she stood there for a hot minute and waited.  When she didn't wake up she was like, "Oh well.  I guess this isn't a dream," and she continued running down the alley.

I have also heard that your brain will take ideas or emotions that you are experiencing at the time and incorporate them into your dream.  I understand the need for the brain to continue working, but when a dream leaves you emotionally drained when you wake up; that's defeating.  

There was no need for a Dream Translator last night.  With everything going on in the world and the need to convey an image of calm to my children so they don't panic with world events, my brain decided to express those worries in a dream last night.  If that were the only thing I was worried about, then the dream would've been less sad.  But it wasn't and my brain ran with it.  Darn thing!

I may need to look at doing Yoga or something before bed to help calm my brain.  Suggestion would be appreciated.

Part of the Parent Manual

There are times, as a parent, when I feel that I crushed the whole "parent thing".  But then, I'm reminded that there are certain lessons that would've been nice to know ahead of time.  Like, you have to teach your kids to skip, hop, run, and to say "please" and "thank-you".  I remember once, one of my kids asked, "Mom, do you now how to skip?"  That question took me by surprise because I seem to remember not ever knowing how to skip.  But then, I asked my mom if I had always skipped.  The reaction I got was a bit surprising.  She said, "Um no.  But watching you figure it out was quite the show."  That began a journey to learn which skills I needed to teach my kids and which ones would come "naturally".  

Now that they are about to venture out on their own, I'm left to ask myself, "Did I teach them everything I thought comes naturally?"  Thank goodness they aren't afraid to ask.  I got a call today from my daughter saying, "Now, I'm asking because I don't want to burn down the house..."  What was she asking about?  Whether or not a cast iron skillet was safe to put in the oven.  This led to... what items, besides metal you don't put in the microwave, what items you don't put in the oven.  My son has asked questions about depositing money, applying for a credit card, how that works, and when they apply interest.  I'm sure I'll get more of these types of questions, just to remind me that a Parent's Manual would've been nice.