The unwritten rules of being a widow

I was talking with my younger sister today, and she mentioned the show, "the real housewives of New York" I think it was. Well one of the ladies on that show is a widow apparently and she wrote a book about what happens after someone dies. I find that there aren't many books about the aftermath of a death of a spouses in terms of financials, planning, and what not. I was lucky because I had several family members who are lawyers and could help me navigate the abyss. But Sara also mentioned the woman talking about the unwritten rules of how women should act after the death. I totally agree! It reminds me a little bit of the old times when women were required, by society's standards, to wear black a year after a death. A woman could not date or be seen with a man really. The same could be said of now, except we don't have to wear black. We just can't go out at least a year after the death. No one says it, but you can tell its expected. I also believe there are circumstances that would make the year period a little much. I think it mainly depends on the widow(widower) and their circumstances. I often times use the example of a lady I met in my grief support group. Her husband had kissed her good-bye one morning, flown to another country for business, and died of a heart attack the next day. It was sudden, no preparation, no warning. Then there was me. My husband had fought for his life for four years, knew he wouldn't live past sixty probably but hey, the kids would be older. Then he died after a long battle of in and out of the hospital. I discovered after some time, that at the time of Jason's death, I was further along in the grief process than the other lady. I still find myself mourning sometimes. Kevin calls them memory bombs, and boy is that an appropriate term! I met Kevin 6 months after Jason died, and a month after my kids gave me permission to start dating. What if I'd waited that year? Would Kevin and I have met and progressed to now being engaged? I honestly believe there was another power working to get the two of us together, but I won't get into that now. Is that other lady ready now that it's been almost a year? I don't know, but that's for her to decide, not society. And then there's the term to use for the former spouse after you've remarried. A friend of mine lost her husband about six years ago in Iraq. She recently remarried, and wondered what to call her first husband. I always say my late husband, because if he hadn't died we'd still be married. He's not my former husband (that makes people think we divorced). But no one ever talks about this stuff. Someone should, but there's no one way to state "The Rules" because it's different for everyone. So I'll call Jason my late husband, and know that Kevin and I will be married until death do us part. If any one has a problem with how I handled my marriage, myself after Jason's death, or how long I didn't wait before I started dating Kevin then too bad for you. I made my own rules about being a widow, but kept my kids as the first priority. And that's the way Jason would've wanted it.