The Christmas season is upon my family with some bittersweet feelings. Back in June, Jack learned the awful truth about Santa Claus (and has been sworn to secrecy-even allowed to get into the role of Santa). That paired with his dad's passing has made this a difficult year for him. Back in November, the kids and I sat down and decided that we would go ahead and decorate the house, inside and out, because that's what Jason would have wanted. I have to admit it's been hard, but at the same time fun because I see the spirit of the holidays have passed on to the kids. Jason would have liked that.
Back in November, it was discovered that the fake tree Jason and I had bought 10 years ago had finally bought the farm. It started smoking when I plugged it in (not a good sign to say the least). So I had to go out and purchase a new one. Jason was allergic to Christmas trees, and it seems as though that gene has passed on to my kids. They aren't allergic to all pine trees, just the ones Jason had a hard time with. The kids and I decorated outside the house as well putting out all of the lights and blow-up paraphernalia as well. My friend, Kevin, and Jack put up lights on the house and wrapped two of our trees with lights as well. That was good for Jack. He learned some very valuable lessons. I found the old ornaments from my youth as well as Jason's. The kids and I talked about each one and it's meaning for Jason, but I came to realize that I didn't know a whole lot about them.
On December 5th I participated in the White Rock Marathon. I ran the Half Marathon and finished in 2 hours and 45 minutes. I had met the goal I set out for myself which made me feel great! Of course, I couldn't walk for the next day or so I was so sore but it was a good sore because I'd done something great. I had joined Team In Training and raised money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society (Jason battled Leukemia).
The kids still have their moments of deep grief for Jason, and I find myself angry on some days. This was Jason's most favorite time of year and he's not here to celebrate with the kids. I find that my grief is easier to handle most of the time when I think about what I've lost. It's what the kids have lost that gets me extremely emotional more than anything. I see dad's with their kids at the mall shopping for mom's holiday gift and know that my kids will never have that experience, or dad's with their kids playing in the yard or doing yard work together. That is what makes me the most sad.
It will be a wonderful holiday and we will get through this most difficult first. We have wonderful friends and family that will make sure we do. But the most important thing that will help get us through is each other. The kids are very supportive of each other and are very in tuned to me and how I'm doing.
So it is truly a wonderful life and I'm very appreciative of the people who are in it.
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