This is when I feel like a failure

Right before Jason lost consciousness on the evening he died, I told him to go home and promised the kids and I would be all right.  I had no idea how hard that promise was going to be to keep.  Immediately after his death, I feared that I would screw up the kids somehow.  I think that most people feel that way even when there are two parents.  Last night really hit home how much things are changing with the kids as they grow older and how hard that promise is to keep.

Lately, Jack has started his journey into young adulthood and has started challenging the way things are.  Knowing that I am working hard and doing my best, my family has stepped up to help.  And as much as I appreciate it, it's not the same without Jason.  As soon as Jason was diagnosed, Jack started grasping for as much control over his life as he could get.  This started us (he and I) butting heads constantly because after all, he's a kid...not much control there. 

It has come to a head recently, in that his attitude is changing and he's having the attitude that the world owes him something, and he should get what he wants when he wants.  This would have driven Jason CRAZY.  Deep down, he's still 10 and when pushed it shows.  I feel bad because I now have to be good cop and bad cop; when I could have let Jason be the bad cop. 

So now I have a decision to make and I hope it's the right one.  There's a program in a neighboring city that is like a mini-boot camp for kids that are going down the wrong path.  I'm going to check out the information about it (I learned about it from my sister-in-law).  It's five Saturdays, and it's led by a former marine.  I'm hoping that Jack will see that he doesn't belong there compared to other kids, and that it's really easy to be respectful.  I'm hoping Jason would think it's the right thing to do.