Things I've learned this year...

This has had to be the most trying year to date for me.  I know that there'll be more years like this, and maybe God had me go through this so that I'll be ready when it happens again.  Who knows?  But here's what I've learned this year...

*  My children are awesome (even when they're not).  I am constantly amazed at them and their strength.
* It's hard to figure out who you are as an individual when you were so used to being part of a team for so long.
* Relationships with in-laws is just as tricky when a loved one is gone than when they were alive.  We're figuring it out though.
* Even though I don't have the support of Jason here on Earth, he's in everyone else who's helped out along the way.  When I was first having trouble at school, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of isolation because Jason wasn't here for me to talk to and be comforted by.  There were no wise words of wisdom from him (both eloquent and not) and I felt alone.  When I confided (slightly) in my children that I was feeling bad because daddy wasn't here to make me feel better, Jack found an app on his iPod touch that he used to illustrate how "Daddy was going to handle it."  So even though Jason wasn't here to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay, he spoke through our son.  Caroline drew pictures that showed me how strong she thinks I am, he spoke through our daughter.  He has spoken through all of the family members and friends who offered comfort and words of encouragement through this difficult time.
*The spiritual heart has enough room to love lots of people, and that love can look different for different situations.  This is a difficult concept to explain to a 10 and 7 year old, but we're making progress.
*Grieving can begin even when someone's still alive.  I have come to realize that I was grieving (albeit a different kind of grieving) before Jason died.  So my place in the grieving process was further along than most simply because I lived with him on a daily basis and saw the transformation.
* I am stronger than I thought, but it's because of my family, friends, and especially my children.
* I've tried to spend more time at the cemetery, but I can't.  I prefer to see Jason in pictures and memories, and in my children than in a place of physical ending.  The kids and I see Jason everywhere, in signs he might be sending from Heaven.
*As ashamed as I am to admit it, my faith was shaken this past year.  Deep down I was angry that Jason left.  No matter how many times I thought back to the sermon our pastor gave shortly after Jason was diagnosed the first time, I was still mad.  How could it happen to two small children who worshipped their dad?  I wasn't mad for me, I spent 14 glorious years with him, 13 married to him.  I was jealous of the older couples who sat in the pews Sunday after Sunday because that was never going to be Jason and me.  God had answered our prayers for Jason to not be in pain, sick, or hurting; it just wasn't the way I'd wanted it.
*I've slowly been working my way back to my faith, but I still have worries about that and admire the people who can accept it with blind faith that there is something after this.
* Bullies are everywhere.  Not just when you're young. That needs to be shown to kids too.  We have lessons and activities for kids to do in classes and schools that deal with bullying amongst kids, but they also need to see that it happens in life in general and no matter how you feel about it you shouldn't give in or let them win.  If you know what's been going on with me at work, you'll know what I'm talking about.  Caroline and I had a very good conversation about this, and I'm glad that I was able to pull from that experience and show her how to deal with them.  Even if I didn't get what I'd expected or hoped for, I would still let the world know about the bully in my life and stand up to them so that they'd know I wouldn't give up or back down from them.  Caroline got the message, and so it's worth it.
*TV makes kids mean.  Now this may not be for all kids, but mine it sure is true.  We had to go 1 week without electronics due to an infraction of gigantic proportions on Jack's part.  The kids were nicer to each other, went to bed on time without arguing, and were generally happy people.  After two weeks with TV and electronics I had to take it away again because Jack waited until bedtime to do his homework and had a melt-down in the process.