Tonight was a special treat. I found myself alone. Yep, that's right no kids nothing. I was actually looking forward to tonight because I was just going to be responsible for myself. I could do anything I wanted to do, and since I just got paid I decided to go and buy myself some new running shoes. I know, I'm a wild and crazy girl.
I stayed late at work and got some stuff done for Saturday School and next week. I purposefully did this so that I could miss the rush hour traffic. I also did this so I wouldn't have to go home...to an painfully empty and quiet house. I left school about 7 and headed north to the outlet mall. I found myself a nice pair of running shoes and headed home. It had been an extremely rough day, that ended an extremely stressful week, which I'm finding will only be one of many leading up to the anniversary. So, it was with a little shock that I found myself crying in the car on the way home. Relieving stress I guess. It's been awhile since I've had the opportunity to be truly by myself, and I found that even though I was looking forward to it at the same time I wasn't looking forward to it.
I reflected on the week behind me and realized that I had been putting on a brave face for the kids even though I was, at times, extremely sad. Work has been especially rough this year, and March-April is not a stress free time in Texas schools. I've had times this week when I've sworn Jason was around: the sound in someone's voice, a dream I've had, and the endless questions I get from the kids about where he is right now. These moments when I honestly believe he was there, have also reminded me about what I lost, and also makes me think I'm going crazy. I'm told it's quite normal to have these feelings, and I guess it is.
So tonight gave me the opportunity to let it all out and cry whenever I felt like it (which was often) and not worry about whether or not the kids knew.
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