1) Will my daddy die?
2) Can I get what he has?
3) How will he feel today? Good and happy or Bad and unhappy?
4) Will he be able to eat dinner with us or will he be too tired and asleep?
5) Will he be able to be a principal like he wants to be?
6) Will he teach me to drive?
7) Will he be able to come my soccer/dance/football games etc?
8) Will he change?
9) Will he teach me how to throw a baseball/football?
10) Will he be home when I get there?
11) How long will be at home before he has to go back to the hospital?
12) Will the cancer come back?
13) Will mom have to spend more time taking care of him than me?
14) When will my mom take care of herself?
15) Will my mom die?
Those are just a few of the worries that I've heard over the last 4 years (either directly or through prayers and questions to God). That's a ton for such little kids. There was definitely a period of time after Jason's death that the kids were in a funk and sad. That resulted in short tempers, anger at each other, and quick to tears. But now that we're in a schedule, a rhythm of sorts, they're getting through the funk. On this recent trip to Alabama, my older sister suggested to the kids that they pay attention to and be thankful for the things in their lives. When someone opens a door for you, say thank you. When someone does something for you that's nice, say thank you. Well, it was a tough go for a few weeks. My sister and I were always having to remind the kids to say thank you and then explain why the situation warranted a thank you. Slowly, but surely, they caught on and it has become more automatic than before.
Mind you, it's not always the case. But it does happen more. How do I know? I've had several family members comment on how much nicer the kids are and how much more polite they are.
Makes me feel like a schmuck for letting it go on this long.
1 comment:
You're not a schmuck! You're a mensch! A mensch is "someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character." That's you, most certainly over the last four years. In a crisis, you have to make priorities. You can only do so much. During the last four years, I thought we had a lot of crises, but standing on this side of things, I realize that the entire last four years were one big crisis. We all did the best we could, and I am proud of each of us. But none more so than you and Jason. Now that we have time to focus on things that were put on the back burner, I think one way to carry Jason with us is to focus on things he would be proud of, things he himself would have done if his body hadn't given out. And, to NOT put focus on bad habits that I didn't have much time for during the crisis, like self-pity, wasting time on meaningless things, and taking work or traffic snafus too seriously! So, don't beat yourself up. Focus on the good stuff. Keep moving forward, carrying Jason into the world.
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