That would be so tragic!

On the way out of the cemetery on Sunday the kids were in tears.  They felt as if they'd ruined the Father's Day outing because I was frustrated and they had picked on each other the whole time. Finally, Jack says, "But I wish daddy could blow out my candles on my birthday cake with me."

That launched us into a conversation about how things will just look different from now on.  Jack commented several times about how he wished he could hug daddy "just one more time".  I told him I understood, but that even if he could do that "one more time" he would continue to wish that.  It would never be enough.  I told Jack that now instead of daddy blowing out the candles with him, daddy would be blowing them out through him.  Jack would be the vessel that daddy would work through to get the job done.  When Jack wanted daddy to hug him and tell him everything would be okay all he had to do was get warm and snugly in his favorite blanket and that would be dad giving him a hug.  Daddy didn't have the arms to do it, but he could do it through the warm feeling of the blanket.  Dad is still with us, it just looks different.

Jack keeps saying he just wants Daddy back, which I totally understand.  I told Jack one of the consolations about this whole thing (if there really is one) is knowing that daddy can't come back.  I told Jack and Caroline that it could be worse, some kids have dads who walk out on them and "choose" to not come back.  So it's not that they can't come back, they don't want to go back. 

The conversation then moved to the subject of daddy choosing to leave, which isn't true.  I referred back to the radio interview where Jason said that each milestone he made he was most happy for his kids, because it was for them that he fought so hard.  Dad's spirit didn't want to leave, but his body couldn't fight off the bombardment that it was suffering from all the different places (like in Prince of Persia, I pointed out, when they attacked the castle from 2 different points).  That led into the discussion of the nursing home Jason might have had to go to because he wasn't getting any better.  Jack decided that even though at least dad would be here, it's not the way dad would have wanted to live or the way he would have wanted to be a dad to them.

I reassured Jack and Caroline that if the roles had been reversed and it was me who passed away and Jason was left with the kids, the conversation would still be the same.  The "just one more time" scenario would still play out, it's part of the grieving process.  I left this comment to sink in for the kids before moving on to the next point, assuming we were done with that part of the conversation.  I told Jack that there were things I wished I'd done differently like going down to the hospital when they had originally called me.  I would have been able to talk to Jason and tell him how much I loved him (even though I think he knew), but that it still wouldn't have changed the outcome.  Daddy still would have died.

Jack told me how lucky I was because I would see Daddy before he and Caroline did.  I told him that that would be in maybe another 50 years.  If I lived the rest of my life looking forward to that moment, I'd be ignoring everything that life would offer me.  Dad wouldn't want that either.  If Jack and Caroline only focused on that point, that in 80 years or so they'd see their dad again, they'd miss out on so much of life and that would make Dad sad.  We have to live our lives and be the kid of people that Daddy would have wanted us live and be.  Jack seemed to calm down about this, and he was quiet the rest of the ride home.

The whole time Jack and I are having this conversation, Caroline is sitting in the back taking it all in and trying to process it.  When we got home we had the water balloon fight with the Unbreakable-unless-you're-grass balloons. 

At the conclusion of the fight, Caroline comes up to me and gives me this HUGE hug and says, "Thanks for the water balloons mom!  They were cool!  And about that thing you told us in the car about you dying and Daddy being here.  I'm glad that didn't happen because that would be SO TRAGIC!"

Well, at least she got something from the discussion.