Yesterday was Jack's first meeting with his new "anger lady". Jason blogged about it last night (jdhteach). He's not sure if it's good parenting or a give up to send your kids to counseling. It is on this point that we differ. I think that the issue is not that we're giving up and not good parents, I think it's more that we see that there's a problem and it's bigger than we are and we need help getting through it. Help from someone who's trained to help.
I think it's harder for us because the problem stems from a perfect storm of sorts. It stems from Jason's illness and the road that has taken us on, Jack's personality and emotional make-up, and the fact that nobody (and I mean nobody) in our immediate family EVER had to deal with the things our family has been dealing with at this stage in our lives. Sure, we've had people get sick. But for me that didn't really happen until I was older. My great-aunts and uncles that I knew, didn't start dying until I was a teenager and my grandparents (my mom's parents) didn't pass away until they were in their 90's and I was in my 20's. Neither of my parents were sick to the extent that Jason has been, and neither of his parents were either (in terms of when Jason and I were 8 years old). So, I think, Jason and I are at a loss because the proverbial "handbook" doesn't tell us how to handle talking and helping an 8 year old through the concept of potential loss of a parent, loss of control, how to handle your anger and fear, and all the other things that are associated with the baggage that Jack is carrying because he doesn't want myself or Jason to worry. And to be completely honest, I have an EXTREMELY hard time talking to either of my children about what their lives will be like when I'm gone. They both worry about how they'll find me in Heaven (GPS - God's Positioning System Angel will come and find me so we can meet them at the gates of Heaven). But I find that I can't talk about it for long because I don't want to think about it. I've got time, I"m only 38.
Jason is coming around to the idea of getting help for Jack mainly because he's seen it work before. Jack saw another "anger lady" in 1st grade but she moved far away and the school counselor stepped in in second grade. However, this year the school counselor at his new school is not like the other one and when you go see her you're in trouble. The way we have been disciplining Jack recently has needed to change because it was doing more harm than good (I think). So we needed someone who was removed from our situation to come in and help us help Jack.
I think more and more people are recognizing the need for the opportunity to help themselves and their children by seeing a counselor. I don't think it's because our lives are that much harder (it's just a different kind of hard) than theirs was, but I think we are in a society that acknowledges that sometimes we don't have all of the answers and some things just can't be fixed in-house. I think my parents were brave when they had the school counselor meet with me when I was in elementary. Mrs. Reed was in a classroom on the fourth grade wing by the library. We used to perform puppet shows about things we made up (she actually guided us with topics like making friends, saying no, and what are your strengths) and she had a really cool puppet dolphin that used to teach us our lessons. Only the kids that came to her classroom got to use the puppet. I was SHOCKED when my mom told me when I was in college what those lessons were really about. I thought I was a normal child with no problems, but my mom had been confident enough that it would help me work through my awkwardness. I think it did. :)
So I don't think it's a give up. I think it's a safe place for him and a learning place for me. It's a place where we can work together to help him face the world around him with confidence and security. Because based on what he's learned so far, the world doesn't revolve around him, and it's not what he thought it was. That's something that I don't think I learned until much later.
So I'm not giving up by sending him to a counselor. I'm being a good parent who wants the best for her child (and so does Jason), and I'm acknowledging that I don't know how to accomplish that from the path he's on right now. But I know where I can find the help.
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