I think I've finally figured it out.

After a few weeks of feeling out of control, I think I've figured out where the feeling is coming from.

*  For starters, the beginning of April is always kind of a downer.  Jason died April 7th, and we buried him on April 11th.  Another reason this is a major downer is because it comes at the peak of Testing Season in the public schools.  When Jason died, Jack was two and a half weeks out from his first time taking TAKS (our state's standardized test at the time).  Jack wasn't a really great test taker at the time, so his anxiety level was through the roof.  Since his was way high, so was mine.  I remember sending his teacher an email that basically said, "Forget about his test scores."  Why?  Mainly because I didn't want him stressing out about the tests, so I downplayed them.  You know what?  His life, and mine, have been way easier since.  It's just a test, after all. But even though I know it's just a test, I still can't help but want my personal and school children to do well.

* I'm also at a really scary time in my life, and that's Driver's Education. Jack starts Driver's Education tonight, and that has me all kinds of worried.  I listen to him talking and saying things like, "When I can drive...",or "I can't wait to drive because then you won't have to take me everywhere."  That's scary because when I take him places, I at least know where he is, who he's with, and kind of what they're doing.  Now, I won't know anything unless he tells me, or I track his phone.  I'm feeling really helpless right now, in that when he can leave the house and drive I won't necessarily know where he is, who he's with, and what they're doing.  I have some control over whether or not he has keys to drive, gas in the tank, or when he can go somewhere, but it's not really balancing out the helpless feeling.

* I can also see the conflicts we will have when he starts dating.  He's interested in girl right now, who isn't too sure exactly how she feels.  I hate that, but I don't know if my 44 year old self hates that or my 15-18 year old self hated that.  Don't string people along for goodness sakes!  We've also had to have the conversation that dating in high school is to get an idea of what you're looking for in a future partner.  The odds of you and your high school "sweetheart" getting married, aren't impossible, but they are low.  Remember the things you've got planned for your life, and the experiences you want to have.  When you find the right person, you will have the same interests and likes.  By then, you'll know what you can live with and what you can't.  What a real partner is, and what they're not.

Case in point: Last night, The Boy, realized that he'd made plans but that he is starting Driver's Education tonight.  He wanted to postpone the Driver's Ed so that he could go out with the person he's interested in.  When I reminded him of the class, he tried to blame me for the error saying, "But when I told you I wanted to do this, you said that was okay."  Whoa there!  I'm sorry, now it's my fault?  So, we made sure to enter all of his stuff on to his phone for him to keep up with.  I tried to explain to him that she should be understanding about needing to bump back the times.  He wasn't canceling the activity, he was just changing the time, and that she should understand.  All of this is new, and it's not normal to think of other people rather than just yourself, but now's the time to practice.  He's so afraid of not being chosen or being rejected that he's forgetting what's important.  That you need to work with your partner, and not require them to give up everything (hopes, dreams, plans) just to be with you.

In regards to the Driver's Ed thing, I said that I would reschedule the class for him...when he's 16 years old.  He didn't like that one.  Then he asked about Online Driver's Education.  Turns out, there is one.  However, he won't be taking it.  We can discuss it, but he'll be taking this class for the next 3 weeks.

I am about to become his least favorite person, and while that is normal, it's scary.  What will he not tell me?  Where will he go that he won't tell me about?  What will he do when he's not at home?

*There are other aspects of my life that feel out of control, and I'm doing my best to hand it over to God, but I'll be honest, that's not easy. There are so many things that I have to deal with here on Earth, that whether or not "they're taken care of" by God will be truly taken care of.  There will be new problems, that result from the solution to the other things.

Now that I've identified the problem, I think I can better handle them, and at least have a plan of attack.

We will see.