It's time to prioritize...

 I had a revelation this morning as I was trudging on the treadmill at the gym.  I have a feeling it is going to sit wrong with some people.  However, I have also come to the realization that if it does, they can kick rocks. 

Let me backtrack a little bit.  When my son was little, he felt like he had to control EVERYTHING.  This mostly stemmed from his dad being diagnosed with Leukemia when my son was five.  All of a sudden, his life was out of control.  The unknowns were scary, the fear was real.  We always joked that he inherited this desire for control from his dad.  You see, he Pa had been like that as a kid, and so had my husband.  No one ever thought to look at my side as well.  

My perspective on that was always from the POV that control was an obvious endeavor of his.  He stopped playing golf when he was younger because he couldn't control where the golf ball went.  He stuffed math papers into his desk because he didn't like math and wanted to control that narrative.  If he was missing his dad and his sister was happy about something; he'd pick on her until she was just as sad and mad as he was and then he was happy.  

I never stopped to consider that I'm the same way.  I had to control my finances because of the uncertainty of money growing up.  So, if I get extra money, I save it instead of spending it.  Kevin has struggled finding a purpose since his accident and I've been trying to help him find one.  It seems, to no avail.  I struggle with change, change of routine, and becoming overwhelmed with things that haven't happened but might: foundation repair, roof needs replacing, sewer pipes need replacing.  It all becomes overwhelming.

So my ah-ha moment on the treadmill came when I realized: I need to be done trying to take care of everyone but me. Kevin can't find a purpose or a routine? That's on him.  I need to make repairs? I take out a home equity loan, repair and then sell.  Dinner isn't ready when I get home because there is no routine or the chores at home aren't viewed as their job because they're at home? It doesn't get done or it gets done when I have the energy to get it done.

As much as I fear change, I might as well get ready for it.  I can't control who votes for whom, who thinks things are better for the little guy, and how I'm going to survive if all of my paycheck goes to bills.  I'll figure it out because no one is coming to save me.