Yearly Check-in: for more family who aren't here anymore

 I've said it once, and I'll say it again: the beginning of April kicks rocks.  I have been lax in my yearly check-ins, but making them reminds me of who isn't here anymore.  That number grows every year, and it gets harder to bring myself to update. So here it goes, a letter addressed to Jason, but now includes my mom, and his mom and dad.

I am back in Richardson.  I decided that moving out of the house wasn't the best idea because mortgage rates haven't gone back down, and I can't bring myself to pack up the house and leave.  However, if property taxes don't get better, I may be taxed out of this neighborhood.  I feel that anyone whose opinion I value would agree and support the move, but it's hard to think about.  So I do what I do best, and don't think about it.  As a result of deciding not to move, I also returned to the school district (I often quote movie lines now and the kids have no clue what I'm talking about, but you will.)  I have been blessed and ended up at the elementary school five minutes from the house (15 minute walk).  I have been teaching sixth grade math for the first time since the year you passed away; which means it's the first time since the TEKS were moved down a year.  It has been a learning curve to say the least, but I just try and remember how I felt as a twelve year old struggling to understand (and even as a parent of twelve year olds trying to explain a concept).  I feel like I have been able to balance the demands of school while balancing home life better.  It also helps that the kids are adulting more and don't need me as much.

Empty Nest:

For all intents and purposes, I am an empty nester.  It has been an adjustment.  I was so involved (while not being involved) with the kids and their journey, that now I am having to redefine who I am.  That has been a struggle.  I'll be honest.  My whole identity from 2001 to 2025 was "Mom" or "Momager".  Part of that was due to trying to make sure that you got settled in your administrator journey, then keeping their lives normal after your diagnosis, then dealing with losing you.  But now, they're proving that they are going to be just fine, and I am so proud of that.  Have there been some bumps? Yes.  Do they surround themselves with people who can help them when they stumble? Also yes.  But they've also proven that they have paid attention to lessons from everyone who played a part in their journey after you were gone.  

The kids: Let's Work Backwards

Caroline: She is doing well.  She is GRADUATING from Texas Tech in May.  She worked her butt off to catch up after changing her major, but she is going to graduate in May.  So stinking proud of her.  She is currently living at Aunt Kristen's house while Kirsten decides what to do with the house.  I am really glad that she took the chance and decided to "house sit".  It is kind of a safe way for her to see what living on her own will be like.  It's also closer to the zoo, so she doesn't have to be in traffic as long.  She is still working at the zoo as a Coordinator for Volunteers and Interns.  She continues to coach club volleyball and used that money along with the PELL grant and other scholarships so that she will graduate debt free.  Whew!  Caroline recently rescued a cat from the zoo.  His name is Todd.  I got a call from her one day and she said, "Mom.  Hear me out..."  Apparently, he was a stray that had gotten caught between two of the bird exhibits and was discovered when the birds made it known he was there.  Because he was a male, they would've had to euthanize him (they used to spay females and then release, but males they had to euthanize).  They would've had to do that to Todd (Toaster) unless someone stepped up to take him.  So, Caroline did. Now we have a cat.  He's so chill, reminds me of the first cat I had.  Surprisingly enough, I'm not completely allergic to him.  

Jack: Jack and Emma just got back from Boston.  They have been doing so good.  Jack continues with his work as a Data Engineer, I think you'd be proud, I know I am.  Emma is so good for him.  She definitely keeps him grounded. Jack still calls regularly (just like you did with your mom).  It's always great talking to him.  Neither kid knows this, but the fact that they call regularly helps me feel less "by myself" as I adjust to the "empty nest" phase.  The other day he called while he was on his way to play basketball with his friends.  Made me think of you the summers away from SFA that you and Kennon played basketball after you got off work in Maintenance. I'm not sure if I have told you, but they recently got a cat.  That's right, a cat.  Beans. That's not her official name, but you know us, we give nicknames.  She's cute and he's not allergic to her.

As for me, well, I'm good.  But you know that.  You know the kind of adult my mom raised.  I'm getting better at not sweating the money thing (trauma response from growing up).   I'm doing better about being too introverted.  I still don't go to church in person, just download the sermons. Maybe once I retire and don't have to deal with people all of the time I'll go back.  But right now, I just want one day where I don't have to talk to or navigate people.  During the week it's kids (60 of them), their parents, and the gazillion decisions that I have to make between 7:15 and 3:45 pm.  I'm truly lucky though.  The last couple of campuses I have been at have been very supportive.  In that aspect, I have truly been blessed.  I haven't gained any of the weight I had gained before.  I've been able to maintain the weight.  That's in large part due to the support I've been getting at work and at home.  Kevin has been very supportive of my health changes.  I've struggled with "pre-diabetes" for awhile.  I've fluctuated between "pre-diabetes" and "diabetes" in the blood sugar range for while now.   I was able to control it before with medication, but I'm sure you've noticed that our healthcare system is broken.  So the medicine I was on isn't covered by my insurance.  TRS will cover your mental health, but not your diabetes.  In order to get my medicine, I needed to pay my entire deductible the first time.  I hate to break it to them, but I don't have thousands of dollars just hanging out in my bank account  So Kevin and I have been searching for ways to keep my blood sugar in check.  I now get why my mom went for walks ALL of the time. It helps. I'll figure it out though, just keep plugging away.  Not working at a stressful campus (campuses in the last few years) has been a HUGE help.  

That's about it.  I know you already know all of this, but it helps me.