Update

Dear HM,

It's been a week since you left us (almost: 10:30 pm), and we are slowly trying to ekk out an existence without you. My heart is heavy today because the kids went back to school, which means that I must return also. I will miss the funny texts, phone messages, and emails that I received during the day outlining the ups and downs you faced and trying to help me feel better about where I was. The kids were nervous this morning, and not sure that they wanted to go and face their classmates. Jack is worried (when is he not) that kids will make fun of him if he starts to cry because he misses you so much. I'm pretty sure that they will understand, and pity the one that doesn't. I know you are watching over them today to give them the strength to get through. Caroline is worried the kids will ask her constantly about what happened, and although she's done well at home, she's not sure how to tell them that she doesn't want to talk about it.

I have started planning our trip to Alabama. I think we'll go at the end of June, but I'm not sure. Jack was really worried that we wouldn't go now without you, but I assured him that you would want us to go on. We plan on going to New York for your 40th birthday next year. Jack mentioned that as well. I know that you will be with us as we tour the Alabama and that you will be with us everywhere (unlike the limitations you faced at the Lexington).

To be honest, if it weren't for the kids I would have withdrawn a long time ago. I've had several friends reassure me that that wouldn't happen, but the pull of your love was so strong it would have been hard. I know you would want me to move on and not wallow in self pitty about what I should have done, but it is only human nature of the ones left behind to feel that way. Going to work now holds little joy because I know that I can't come home and talk to you about how I feel so unsupported and valued. I need to figure out what to do because I know I need to be happy in my job, but I need to be close for the kids as well. I am withdrawing from Saturday school next weekend, the kids need me and I need them. I have promised myself that I will do my job the best I can between 7:45 and 3:45, but I'm mom after that. No extra time to leave them in schoool.

I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. Did you send that mockingbird that sits outside of our house in the mornings? It sounds beautiful, and just started singing when you left us to go to the hospital.

I love you with all of my heart.

SM