Due to recent events, I've started to think about the lesson(s) that the kids are missing because they were too young to remember most of my marriage to their dad. Jason and I had a good marriage. By good marriage, I mean a healthy one. We did not have big blow ups in front of the kids, but we did disagree sometimes in front of them. But, again, Caroline was two and a half when he was diagnosed and Jack was five. I know that when I was their age, I didn't even pay attention to that kind of thing with my parents. I didn't think about a relationship until they started having trouble and finally divorced. What I did learn I carried over into my marriage with Jason, and in fact we talked about it before we got married. I was determined not to end up like my parents. But the kids were young when Jason died, so the example wasn't really observed. It's been talked about, but they really don't have a lot of memories about it.
Kevin and I have tried to set the example for them that partners work together. Jason and I did that, and I intend for Kevin and I to do that. We've talked about it, and even practiced what we've preached to the kids. So I'm really hopeful that the kids will see what it takes to have a successful marriage and that it's a work in progress and a dance of give and take.
One of the lessons I've tried to point out to Jack recently is that, "When the going gets tough, you don't look for the easy way out." That's hit home the last few days. On Sunday, Kevin and I were talking and Jack came into the conversation. I explained to Jack that I was worried that he hadn't seen and learned the lesson that I try to teach my kids, "The easy way isn't always the best way, and the best way isn't always easy." I provided Jack with examples of how his dad and I had worked together even during his illness to make our marriage work. Kevin and I provided examples of how we've worked at our relationship when things got rough. Then I brought home the idea with an example that related to Jack.
I've always wondered why he all of a sudden got immersed in video games. He tried to explain it to me one time as feeling connected with his dad, but he never played games that Jason would've played. Then it dawned on me. The pattern was always the same: He'd be fine until after dinner, then after dinner he'd go to his room and play video games. You see, and I pointed this out to Jack, after dinner was always the time Jason would get home from work. So, Jack could handle being with the family until dinner because that had been normal. But then by the time we'd get done with dinner, Jason would be home. Even when he was in the hospital, the kids would Skype with Jason after dinner. But now, after dinner, there's nothing but the reminder of who isn't here. So to avoid that, Jack goes to his room and doesn't interact with us until in the morning. I explained to Jack that that was the easy way. The more difficult way of dealing with the void is to face it head on. Join the family for a bit after dinner. When I'm grading papers, Caroline is working on homework, and if he's done with homework he can come in and read. I DVR all of the shows I want to watch and catch up on the weekend, so after dinner is family time. We agreed we'd start tonight, so we'll see how it goes.
Another example of how the easy way isn't always the best happened today. You see, his "girlfriend" broke up with him. Now, she took the easy way...she had her friend do it. Jack and I talked about how the best way, the respectful way, to break up with someone is to be honest and tell them yourself. Jack doesn't think very much of the girl because she didn't have the courage to tell him herself, but he learned that the other person in the relationship deserves to be respected enough to tell them yourself. He's heartbroken right now, because he really liked her. That makes me heartbroken because he's hurting. But I'm hopeful because he told me himself that he felt she should have respected him enough to tell him herself.
Maybe they are listening.
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