It's all about the timing.

I often times find myself in control of my feelings.  I can, often times, keep it under wraps.  But there are some times when the conditions are just right and I break down.  I found myself at one of those times this week.  It seems as if a perfect storm of incidents all converged at just the right time to remind me of how things have gone so terribly off course from where I thought things would go.  It all started because I'd gone back to work.  I know, it sounds silly, but after going back to work and corralling 23 students and standing on my feet for most of the day.  Then, there was the papers to grade and lessons to make that came after working all day.  Plus, Jack's science fair project needed tweaking so we finished it up.  Then, I got some news that was a little disheartening, but I won't go into what exactly that was.  All in all it was disheartening.  Not long after that I got some more disheartening news about aid that I thought I might be able to get.  But unfortunately because it'd been so long since Jason had passed away, and it seemed like I'd been doing okay with what I am making I didn't get it.  Apparently, I make to much gross salary.  No one stops to think about all that gets taken out from taxes and the bills that I have.  So anyway, I felt down about that.  Then, on top of all of that I watched a video of a friend's daughter's wedding.  I think it was that, that really pushed me over the edge. 

Mainly because I remember my own wedding to Jason.  To be honest, I haven't watched my wedding video since he died.  We used to watch it with the kids on our anniversary.  My favorite memory of doing that was when Caroline was a baby, and Jack was about four.  We were watching when he stood up, put his hands on his hips, and glared and Jason and myself.  At long last, he said, "How could you leave Caroline and I at home by ourselves!"  It took us a little bit to figure out what he was talking about.  It finally dawned on Jason what Jack was talking about.  You see, every person who had ever taken care of Jack and Caroline was in the video.  Because we live so close to the rest of our family, we've never had to hire a babysitter.  We finally explained that he and Caroline hadn't been born yet.  After that, he was okay with watching the video.

But after my pity-party, I stopped to think about the good things.  There are many, I just have to be reminded.  I have two beautiful children that are reminders to me of Jason's love and commitment.  A roof over my head, a supportive family, and a job.  Sure, I don' have the money to do the extra things anymore but the kids and I figure it out. 

I also have a wonderful guy.  He reminds me a lot of Jason.  He's very personable, outgoing, funny, and considerate.  When we go to parties or out with new people, Kevin is always the one to put himself out there (just like Jason).  He listens to the kids when they talk about how much they miss their dad, and he makes sure that they respect me as their mom.

So even in the darkest hour, when things seem to be horribly wrong, there's still a silver lining.  I just have to look.