Almost added one more thing

I'm not sure if I will ever shake the guilt that I have had since Jason died. I'm sure that you are thinking, "what guilt could you possibly have?" We'll, believe you me, I've got it.

Two nights before Jason died we were doing our nightly check in, and I can't even remember the conversation/argument, but I do know that we got kind of testy with each other. I ended the conversation by saying, "I just want you home." He got frustrated because he wanted to be home too, but not in the condition he was in. He wanted to be "here", not just here. Does that make sense? Our good night was kind of terse, but he called me the next morning to tell me something so I thought things were fine. But that night, Jason called and wanted to say goodnight to the kids. I remember jack getting offer the phone and sayings that he was afraid daddy was going to die. I inquired what made him say that, and he just responded that "Daddy sounded different, far away." 24 hours later Jason was gone.

The last month before Jason went into the hospital, i wasn't the model wife he'd portrayed in his posts. I remember one night all he wanted to do was cuddle. He was unable to get up out of bed due to his intense stomach pains and weakness, and it was early. I still had to help Jack with his homework, feed the kids, and then do my work. Homework and Jack in third grade wasn't stressful event, mainly because Jack was allergic to it. All Jason wanted to do was cuddle, but I didn't have time. Who doesn't have time with their husband?

That's just a few things I feel guilty about. Rationally, I've told myself that on some level I knew he was dying and this was a form of mourning. Not mourning his death (he was still alive), but the death of the vibrant and strong man he'd been. Selfish, I know.

Well, today I though I'd added to that list of "How bad was I" list. I went to the gym to swim last night and took off my jewelry at home because I'm always afraid I'll lose it. At school today, I put up my hand to play with the necklace I'd had made out of the diamonds from weddings ring, however it wasn't there. I had my earrings on and my ring from Kevin, but no necklace. I was pretty sure I'd put it on this morning. But lately, there's always that room for the error. I called my mom in tears and asked if she had time could she go by the house before she picked up the kids and see if it was in my bathroom. She called as school got out and said she'd found it. I was sure I'd lost it. But thank goodness I wasn't, maybe that was Jason's way of saying, "Stop being hard on yourself. You did a great job under difficult circumstances. I love you."