It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Okay.  So, I'm going to admit something that is a little taboo in the world today and that is the fact that I was taking a low dose of Zoloft up until this  summer.  Right after Jason passed away, I decided that I was having a hard time with the feelings and emotions that I was faced with.  Of course, it made sense.  My husband was one month shy of 39 when he passed away, and I had bills, work, and of course the children to think about.  So I got a prescription for the lowest dose of Zoloft and broke it in half and took that once a day.

I have known that this is a temporary thing, just until I can get passed the one year mark of Jason's passing.  I have always been wary of using medicine to help with things like mental health, but this was such a traumatic time in my life I knew I would need the extra help.  So, with Summer Vacation here and things slowing down, I decided that it was probably time to start weaning my way off of it.  So I contacted my doctor and we came up with a plan to begin the process.  The one thing I've learned about this process is that the medicine was helping me maintain but I wasn't really taking the initiative to figure out a way to deal with the emotions that were bombarding me on a daily basis. 

Now that I've been on this process for about 2 weeks now, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I'm glad that I've been taking Zoloft because I would have probably been up a creek long ago.  But of course Murphy's Law was in effect and I have been faced with several challenges and realizations all at once.  Here they are in no particular order because it just doesn't matter:

1) My dryer died.  More money to spend to get a new one.  Yuck!

2) I've realized that the way I've been raising my kids just isnt' working.  You know, if one of them gets something the other one needs to get something.  That is a concept I learned from my mom.  When things were going okay, it seemed like a good idea.  But now that I'm down to one income and trying to save the money I get from Jason's retirement and Social Security it's becoming increasingly harder to do.

3) I've always wanted to be like my mom in how she raised my sisters and I, but I've realized just recently that I can't do that.  You see, when we were little she worked at home.  She was a homemaker and did everything for us.  We never really had to do much of anything really.  I didn't learn how to do laundry until 21, and that was a crash course because I was going up to my grandparents to take care of them.  She didn't start teaching again until I was in sixth grade, but by then we were old enough to help out.  I think we did, but it was sporadic.  So as a result I hate housework.  I hate doing laundry, I hate cleaning bathrooms, I hate vacuuming, I hate housework.  But I have to do it, and I'm not good at it. 

4) Jason used to do most of the dinner cooking because, I hate to admit this, he was GOOD at it.  He could think of something on the fly, make it up, or add to a recipe and it rocked (however, there was one he did that tanked but that was in, like, 1998).  Right after he passed away, Jack looked at me and said (in all honesty not trying to be a smart ass or anything), "Are we going to starve?"  But now I have to do that, but at the end of the day I'm so tired I can't think straight.  Plus, I'm not really good at it.

So now I've got to suck it up, face the facts and re-discover who I am and what kind of a mother I want to be and how in the world I'm going to do it.  Sucks to be me right now, but I am feeling somewhat rejuvenated.  Maybe this journey towards self-discovery will only take a summer.  Maybe.