T-LADY

Pinewood Derby 2012

2012-01-31T18:58:00.000-08:00

Well, the Pinewood Derby 2012 is officially over for Troop 871. Jack finally made it into the finals this year, which has not happened in the four years he's been in the troop. He won his heats hands down Friday to move into the finals. His car didn't do as well this night and he came in dead last. However, he handled it quite well. He looked at it as, "There were other kids who didn't make it to the finals, so that's good." I was really proud of him.

The big 4-0

2012-01-30T19:18:00.000-08:00

This weekend I'll turn 40. So far I haven't gotten too excited about it. Since Jason got sick and then passed away I haven't gotten too into the whole birthday thing. I'm thankful for making it another year, but just not excited. I know the kids will get me cards, and maybe even Caroline will make it, but other than that it's just another birthday.

There won't be a party, like someone who's turning 40 should have. I'll have a family party probably. My mother-in-law usually sees to that. So here's to turning 40. I've decided that I'm going to make a list of "50 things to do before I turn 50." I got that idea from my principal, thought it was a good one.

I'm sure I'll start finding birthdays something worth celebrating in the future, but right now I just can't.

The Great Wolf Lodge

2012-01-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

For Jack's birthday, he was given the choice of going to The Great Wolf Lodge or having a birthday party for friends. He chose the Great Wolf Lodge, so I made reservations for the weekend after his birthday. We went this past weekend, and I know they had fun.

I have to say I wasn't really impressed with it, but then again I've been spoiled by the Hyatt Hill Country. The kids absolutely loved it. Jack and Caroline both took their own money and purchased wands to use and play a game that required them to run rampant around the hotel collecting clues and riddles so they could end up battling a dragon. Allie went with them on their journey through the MagiQuest, but they could only handle about an hour and half of it because the game took them, literally, through out the hotel. They couldn't go in order from one floor to another, they had to go in order from floor to floor and back again. There was more stair climbing in that hour and a half than has ever occur ed in their entire lives.

So after climbing stairs to get to the awesome water slides and then throughout the hotel (you couldn't take the elevator) the kids were tired. But that didn't keep them from going to the arcade that night and then on a little bit of MagiQuest before bed. Bless Kevin's heart because, knowing I was tired and didn't feel well (sinus trouble), he went to the arcade and kept the kids in line.

Jack and Caroline returned to the water park the next morning and stayed for another three hours before we left to come back home. Jack said he had an excellent time, so I'm guessing he did. Caroline wants to go back for her birthday. So I'll start saving now, it wasn't cheap even for one night.

Jack's Birthday

2012-01-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

I laughed at myself last night as I thought about the movie City Slickers. I was thinking about the scene at the beginning where Billy Crystal's character is having a birthday and his mom calls to tell him about the story of when he was born.

Jack had asked me about it, since today is his birthday, and I found myself telling him all of the funny things that happened that day. He seemed to enjoy it, and laughed when I told him that I'd picked up his dad at work while I was in labor (Contractions hadn't started yet, I was going in because Jack hadn't moved and they wanted me in since I was so close and that scared me). I reminisced about the hamburger episode, the epidural on one side of the body, and absolute awe Jason felt watching Jack enter the world.

I told Caroline her story as well, and again about the absolute awe Jason felt as she entered the world. About how she had him wrapped around her finger the day we found out she was a girl. I reminded them both that Jason and I always felt (and feel) that they are our greatest accomplishment in this world.

Happy 11th Jack!

Say What?

2012-01-25T10:29:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago Caroline was telling us how excited she was about playing in her basketball game last week. Apparently she was playing against a girl in another Adventure Guides group that they camp with. As she was explaining the group to us, she mentioned the name of the group was the "Patchiminos". Figuring it was just an "Adventure Guide" thing, I didn't ask her to clarify. Days went by as we talked about the upcoming game and each time she mentioned the Patchiminos. Each day I wondered what exactly a Patchimino was, and why they chose that name.

Finally, Jack couldn't handle it any longer and flat out asked her what on earth a Patchimino was. She responded, "You know. It's a horse." Oh, you mean a Palomino.

Either way, it'll always be a Patchimino to me.

Put it in a song.

2011-12-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

Caroline has started writing songs. I think it's kind of cute when she does. I think it helps her put her feelings about Jason down and gets them out of her head. At least she's not holding it all in and finding horrible ways to lash out. So write on Baby G! Your dad would love it.

Dreams

2011-12-26T20:45:00.000-08:00

I have tried to convey to the kids that when they dream of Jason it's his way of communicating with them to let them know he's okay. This seems to bring comfort to them because he's always healthy and happy. Jack agrees that dreams are the best way for angels to communicate with us, after all, we'd probably die of a heart attack if someone we loved, who'd passed on, showed up one day and said, "Hey, how's it going?"

I had one of those dreams this weekend, but it wasn't Jason. I dreamt that I had gone to my grandparents house in Chickasha, Oklahoma to rest and get away. It was kind of weird because their house was at is always was. Furniture was where it should have been, nothing had changed except of course they were both dead. I had taken the kids and Kevin up there to see the Christmas light show that the city always does at the local park. When we returned to the house, there were several cars in the driveway and I thought it was weird because we weren't expecting anyone.

When I went in, my Grandpa was sitting in his lazy boy recliner like he always did and my daughter was laying on his lap sleeping, like I had done when I was her age. I went and bent down next to him and put a hand on his arm and said, "You're not supposed to be here." He replied, "I know. But I had to see my beautiful great-granddaughter and you." I introduced him to Kevin and explained that he and I were dating now. He extended his hand to Kevin and they shook hands. My Granny called out from the kitchen and came and gave Kevin a big hug. Flabbergasted I looked at her and also mentioned she shouldn't be there, and her response was the same. She wanted to see my children and me. And to meet the newest member of our family.

That's when I woke up. I'm sure Kevin was shocked beyond belief when I woke up crying from my dream because I miss them so much, instead of being rested. It took me a minute to figure out where I was, and of course was somewhat embarrassed when I realized I'd been crying. It just seemed so real.

Does this happen to anybody else?

2011-12-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

While Jason and I were married, we created a pretty good friend base. One friend was a friend of Jason's since second grade, and of course his wife, and then there were several others. After Jason died and the kids and I started trying to eke out our new life, I lost touch with several of the friends. After some soul searching and evaluation, I discovered that it was mainly my doing that caused this loss of communication. It hurt too much to be around these people. It reminded me of Jason and all the times we spent with these people. I'm just wondering if that happens, or happened, to other people.

The Newest Huffman craze

2011-12-26T20:03:00.000-08:00

At some point, and I don't remember when it was, we got Lego Rockband. Jason LOVED this because it allowed us time to spend as a family. He played the guitar, Jack would play bass, Caroline sang, and I played the drums. But after he died, we didn't play it as much. We didn't quite have the motivation or desire. They missed their dad too much.

But I think we have found something that we can do together, the three of us, and have fun. There are no memories of it with Jason and we can do it together. For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave the kids Dance Central 2 for the Xbox 360 Kinect. We have had so much fun with it. When Kevin and the girls were here, they had a blast. The kids even got a preview of it when we visited friends of ours in Elgin and they got to play the game.

I've even discovered there's a fitness part to it. So when it gets to cold to go outside or if I want to do something different, I can do that part of the program. It's quite a good workout actually. But more importantly, it gives us something to do as a family. It feels like it did when we played Lego Rockband as a family. We have fun, laugh, and dance (instead of sing). But we're doing it as a family, and then the kids sleep well at night.

The Recliner

2011-12-04T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure when we got it, but I know at some point Jason came home with a red recliner. He LOVED that chair. It has been in our house since he died, and I can't bring myself to remove it.

Recently, Kevin and I purchased a new sectional couch and that began a remodel of furniture. My mother in law loves to go to home tours with her daughter, and because of it she has some really great ideas. She has done wonders with the furniture, and I really like how it all is placed. But then, I got the text.

My mother in law had moved the recliner into the garage because it didn't quite go with the layout of furniture. I was heart-broken (yes, I know it sounds weird). I mean, it was his recliner. He'd worked long and hard days and would come home and lounge in it. After his first round of chemotherapy and lung surgery, the recliner was the only place he could sleep soundly. He'd sit and play video games in that recliner, often times with Jack, sometimes he'd fall asleep with Caroline in his lap. It was just his.

I decided to give it away to somebody. I just don't know who. It has to be someone special, because it was Jason's.

Jack and his thoughts

2011-11-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

This week I have been battling something. I'm not sure what it is, but good Lord it's been rough. It was also my observation week, so I didn't feel like I could miss work. Basically the way my day goes down is as follows: I take Theraflu (dear me that stuff is AWFUL!) to sleep at night, wake up take Tylenol and then Advil on the two hour rotation, teach, then come home and crash. The kids have been very helpful and considerate, which is comforting to know they're such good kiddos.

Monday night, Jack came in and laid down. After a bit he said, "You know mom. Sometimes, I can almost convince myself that dad's been out of town and left his phone at home. That's why I can't talk to him." That was somewhat out of the blue. But I told him that I sometimes thought that too. I told him that right after Jason died, I could almost convince myself that he was at the hospital still and that I just couldn't talk to him. I explained to Jack that I felt that was my brain's way of coping with the loss.

Then he brought up an interesting question. "What do you think dad does all day in Heaven?" That's when the conversation got interesting. I explained to him my view on time in Heaven, and defended it with my rationalization of time in Heaven being slower than time on Earth. We started with the story of Creation, and how I believed that one day in Heaven equaled thousands if not millions of years on Earth. Jack then said, "Kinda like how 1 year of a person is 7 years for a dog?" Yup, kinda like that. So eventhough Jason's been gone for 1 1/2 years, it's hasn't been very long in Heaven, so maybe he hasn't quite realized he's there. Does that make sense? I usually think of that movie with Robert Downey Jr. where the guy dies and then comes back as soon as he realizes he's dead and his daughter (that he didn't even meet) is like 18.

He gave him food for thought and it was something he could understand.

I made it to Mineral Wells!

2011-11-30T08:26:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, Jack went camping with a group of Boy Scouts to see how he liked their troop. I knew he was tired because he'd just gotten back from Sky Ranch, but he needed to go so he can cross over in the Spring if he wants to (which, he'll want to). Long story short, I ended up going to get him at the camp because he REALLY missed home, and we had to be in Frisco by 1 o'clock. But he ended up staying the whole weekend.

Anyway, the camp is at Possum Kingdom Lake and to get there I had to go through Mineral Wells. The entire drive there took 2.5 hours, and it was raining. As I drove along, I thought back to the time Jason and I tried to drive out to Mineral Wells to see where it was because Jason had a job interview there for an assistant principal. At that time, I was applying Jason to all the small districts I could think of in hopes he'd get a shot at doing what he was meant to do. Sometimes he didn't know I did it because I never said anything about it and the places never called, so ignorance was bliss. Until Mineral Wells.

That was the year Jack was born (in January) and we'd gone to Hawaii on a trip (in June, without Jack). While we were there, Mineral Wells called and asked for an interview. We quickly found a map and looked where it was (not far from Ft. Worth...on a map), and he accepted if only to get experience interviewing.

When we returned from Hawaii, we both committed the ultimate no-no when traveling through time zones. We were bushed and slept as soon as we got home. So that meant that at 2 o'clock in the morning we were wide awake. It was raining at the time, and Jason said, "Let's drive out to Mineral Wells to see where exactly it is." So we got in the car and took off. Thank Goodness we did that! We made it to Ft. Worth and saw the sign that said how far Mineral Wells was from Ft. Worth and we decided it wasn't worth it and turned around.

Jason called the next day and apologized but said the drive would have been too much and we couldn't afford to get an apartment for him in Mineral Wells to stay during the week. Plus, he had a newborn and wanted to spend time with him instead of in the car driving or living in another town.

Thank the Lord he did that. He ended up in a wonderful place, Little Elm, working with wonderful people and was able to see his kids every night.

Jack's Life Lessons

2011-11-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

This six weeks has found Jack in a bit of a quandary. I've decided to let him sink or swim when it comes to his work. He was quite happy about it at first, but has since decided he doesn't like it too much. Here are some of the Hard Life Lessons he's learned so far:

1) By not helping you, I'm helping you.
2) It's called a dictionary.
3) When I say that the Xbox doesn't come on until 8, and you run over to a friends to play to play on their Xbox for an hour, you've just used up all of your time and our Xbox doesn't come on at all.
4) just because you're almost taller than me, you still order from the kid's menu.
5) your sister is now strong enough to defend herself.
6) a mom's favorite words to hear from her child are..."I'm BORED!". Oh really? Well, you're in luck!!!!!
7) you do nothing until all of your homework and classwork are done.

Survivor's Guilt?

2011-11-14T07:57:00.000-08:00

It doesn't happen very often, but when it does it usually disturbs me. I had a dream last night about Jason. The first one was weird, even by my standards but it unnerved me all the same. The second one broke my heart because even in the dream I knew it wasn't real. I hate those. Sometimes I wish my brain would just let me believe for a little while that it could possibly be true.

The first one dealt with a Soap Opera. My life was basically the soap, which would be funny in itself! But there was an actor's strike, and when we came back someone else was playing Jason. I asked the director about it, and he said they couldn't find the original actor and that he wasn't letting anyone find him. His agent knew where he was but said, Jason didn't want to be found. Weird, I know.

The second one happened at home. I was sitting in the den reading, and Jason walked in the front door. I was so shocked to see him, but I was happy at the same time. The kids were so thrilled and excited, but then Jason said he couldn't stay for long but that he'd be back. That's when I woke up.

I've been unsettled all day about those two dreams.

This is when I feel like a failure

2011-10-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

Right before Jason lost consciousness on the evening he died, I told him to go home and promised the kids and I would be all right. I had no idea how hard that promise was going to be to keep. Immediately after his death, I feared that I would screw up the kids somehow. I think that most people feel that way even when there are two parents. Last night really hit home how much things are changing with the kids as they grow older and how hard that promise is to keep.

Lately, Jack has started his journey into young adulthood and has started challenging the way things are. Knowing that I am working hard and doing my best, my family has stepped up to help. And as much as I appreciate it, it's not the same without Jason. As soon as Jason was diagnosed, Jack started grasping for as much control over his life as he could get. This started us (he and I) butting heads constantly because after all, he's a kid...not much control there.

It has come to a head recently, in that his attitude is changing and he's having the attitude that the world owes him something, and he should get what he wants when he wants. This would have driven Jason CRAZY. Deep down, he's still 10 and when pushed it shows. I feel bad because I now have to be good cop and bad cop; when I could have let Jason be the bad cop.

So now I have a decision to make and I hope it's the right one. There's a program in a neighboring city that is like a mini-boot camp for kids that are going down the wrong path. I'm going to check out the information about it (I learned about it from my sister-in-law). It's five Saturdays, and it's led by a former marine. I'm hoping that Jack will see that he doesn't belong there compared to other kids, and that it's really easy to be respectful. I'm hoping Jason would think it's the right thing to do.

Disturbing Dream

2011-10-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

I had a dream this morning that really bothered me, and I'm not sure why. I know why I had the dream, I'd seen pictures of myself lately that really bothered me because of the reminder. It reminded me of the stress I had at the end last year, and all the weight I'd gained because of it. The dream bothered me more because it dealt with Jason and it was quite vivid. I think that's why it bothered me. It seemed real and it happened right before I woke up so I remembered it.

I wrote it off as a power that was trying to keep me from working out at 4:30 in the morning, so I got up anyway and took the dog for a run.

Scatter Brained

2011-09-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

Here are some thoughts from the last month or so...

*We started going to this program called "Journey of Hope". It's a grieving support group for children. I thought Caroline was doing well but she bottles stuff up so there's no telling. Monday was our first meeting. I guess it went well. I hate talking about things with strangers, I went mostly for the kids. Jack seemed to have a good time. Caroline had a good time. On the way home she said, "The best part mom, is that everyone had lost their dad!" I know that sounds bad, but if you only knew what she's been going through (feeling like she's the only one without a dad) then you'd understand why this was a good statement.

*It seems like the summer hot weather is over for this year. We had a couple of days of 100 plus degrees this week, but it's gone back down into the 80's. We broke the record of 100 plus degree days that 1980 held for so long. At least something good came out of the heat wave.

*It seems Kevin is becoming accepted into the family. Especially Jason's family. I know it's hard for them, but Kevin seems to be carrying on some of the lessons Jason wanted to teach the kids.

*I love third grade!

*Football has started. Flag and NFL. Caroline is playing flag football this year and absolutely loves it. The Cowboys lost their first game of the season. It really wasn't too bad because they lost to the Jets on September 11th. I kinda thought that was a little okay. Better than losing to the Eagles!

It's time likes these...

2011-09-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

that I really, and I mean REALLY, miss Jason. I got a call from my mom yesterday and she promptly handed the phone over to Jack. The following is a basic retelling of that conversation:

Me: "What's up?"
Jack: "Can we talk tonight? Something weird happened at school today."
Me: "Sure. Can you give me an idea of what happened?"
Jack: "Well, there's this girl, Zoe. She asked me if I'd be, you know, her...you know."
Me: "Boyfriend?"
Jack: " Yep. Mom, it came out of nowhere. I didn't see it coming."
Me: "Well, do you like her? Is she nice?"
Jack: " Yeah, she's nice. She's not a bully or anything. (Well that's comforting!) She's in my class."
Me: "How did she ask you? Did she write a note or something?"
Jack: "No. She came up to me at recess and asked if I'd be her boyfriend. It was weird. She was really nervous."

Me: "Well, what did you say?"
Jack: "I said, Yeah, I thought so. But I would have to check with you first."

Now that made me laugh (inside of course). I agreed we'd talk about it later and when we got home we sat down at the kitchen table and talked. He was really confused. I reassured him that going out in fifth grade was NOTHING like going out as an adult. He was quite relieved that he wouldn't have to take her to the movies or anything. He said he wouldn't do that until Junior High. I reassured him that'd be fine, but he could guarantee that Mom and Caroline would be going to see the same movie, at the same time. :)

He asked if they'd have to hold hands and I said not if he didn't want to, which was a relief for him. Then he asked what about if she made him hold hands or made him feel guilty for not holding hands. I gave him some things to say, but if she kept at it he should break up with her (which I assured him could very well happen before Friday). He said he wasn't going to hold hands until junior high, kiss until high school, and have sex until he was married. So that's a relief, and I'm writing it all down so I can bring it back up later (I know, I'm mean). I did remind him though, that when he got older and he wanted to do something and some girl didn't want to, he should remember this and not pressure her or make her feel badly for not wanting to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.

Jason was supposed to have this conversation with Jack, not me. It makes me a little sad that he wasn't here to have that conversation with Jack. But it's been had, no going back.

We'll see how long it lasts.

Happy Birthday Duchess!

2011-09-07T18:17:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is a big day in our house. Our Duchess is turning 8! She has been planning for weeks, well she and Grammy have been planning. They've been working during Jack's "Study Sessions" with Grammy and Pa. Caroline addressed her own birthday invitations and designed her own party theme. She's going to be a Rock Star.
She's been making progress this past year. She still misses her daddy something terrible, and has moments when she's jealous of other kids with their dads. She's struggled because she doesn't remember Jason healthy. She remembers him after the original diagnosis, and that really wasn't him. Not really.

We went camping this past weekend for her birthday. My kids amaze and puzzle me sometimes. She was really looking forward to it and was so excited, especially during the trip up there. But once we got there she was moody and argumentative with her brother. She had her moments of happiness with the trip, and I think thought it went over well. But I know she missed her daddy, and always will.

So tomorrow, we'll buy her class ice cream for her big day, we'll buy cupcakes and go out to the cemetery and share time with daddy, and then she'll go off to football practice (that's my girl!). Sunday will bring her family party, and I will probably be comfortable enough at school to plan a belated class party.

I can't believe it's been 8 years since she graced us with her presence, and charmed the pants off her dad. In 8 more years she'll be driving, and in 10 she'll be off to college. I'm not going to think about that tonight. I'm going to play a board game with her and enjoy her 8 year oldness.

Happy Birthday Duchess!

I have him so snowed!

2011-07-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Jack has recently gotten into online stuff. He plays Xbox Live with his buddies and has his iPod touch. I have allowed these things only after having a discussion with him about being responsible (like never accepting a friend request from someone you don't know, ordering something without telling me, or getting an app without telling me). He knows that if he does any of those things without telling me, I'll take the whole thing away. I've taken one game away already because he's a jerk after he plays it (well, I gave it back after we talked about why ivtook it and what needs to japan in order to keep it. So far he's done great!). Also, while was on vacation, my sister got him a fun App for his iPod to keep him entertained on the flight. He insisted she text me to tell me, and didn't relax until she had done it.

So, last night he comes in and starts asking about Netflix. He has it on his iPod and has watched a lot of his favorite tv shows that he likes. He was asking about how much it costs and if it was a monthly thing or just an episode by episode thing. Eventhough I was baffled by the conversation I pretended not to he. Finally, jack asked, "is it just like Xbox Live where you can see what I've messages everyone?". Lying, I said, "yeah, I can check and see what movies or tv shows we've watched. And I can see who's watched what. For example, I know you and Caroline have watched Iron Man 2 recently.". With that he admitted that he'd been watching episodes of Family Guy (which he knows is off limits. Sure enough, when I opened up Netflix on my iPod, it asked if I wanted to resume watching Family Guy.

He was so sorry, and I pretended to know all about it. He asked if I was mad, and I said,"no. I'm just glad that you were honest about it. I would have been mad had I had to come talk to you and ask you to admit it. but you were honest. Thanks."

He promised not to do it again and walked out. For the next 20 minutes, he kept coming back to apologize."

The Lord Shall Lift Me Up...

2011-07-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

Today was a funny day at church. The kids were ready to go before I was. I was dragging my feet because I hadn't slept well. I had dreamt of my grandparents (mom's parents), and that made me sad. My grandfather's been gone almost 14 years now, and my grandmother almost 11. I had so much fun visiting with them in Oklahoma as a child and young adult. Of course, life interfered and I didn't get a chance to go up as often as I would have liked. I can still remember my Granny's interactions with the answering machine. She always started off the message with, "Hey there. It's me...Lillie Mae..." As if I couldn't tell that that sweet, high pitched voice was someone other than my Granny. I also missed my best friend, Kevin. I've gotten used to seeing him on the weekends, and I wasn't able to go to Austin and he wasn't able to come up. So I was a little bummed.

Anyway, Sunday School began to lift my spirits up. We are watching a video about a man's journey to follow the path of the Bible in the first five books. It's been quite interesting so far. Yesterday we looked at the story of Joseph (you know the one with the fancy coat). It was interesting to see the connection to things in Egypt and the story.

Then I went to church. During the summers they ask the congregation to send in their favorite hymns. Then, the music person selects verses from those songs and we usually sing one verse of four songs at the opening, and then one hymn at the end. The problem I have, is that I recognize several hymns but I don't know their names. Well, there were four out of the five that took me back to the Baptist church in Chickasha, Oklahoma. I could see my grandfather standing next to me singing proudly and smiling at me as I watched him and listened to his voice. It brought me a peace that I'd been struggling to find that morning, and it lasted all through the day.

What were they? The Old Rugged Cross, How Great Thou Art, Standing on the Promises, and What a Friend We Have in Jesus.

It just goes to show you

2011-07-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today, Jack came home with a couple of kids from the neighborhood. The friends had brought a couple of games over and Jack wanted to play them. He came back to where I was and showed them to me. I asked him to describe the games to me and why they had the rating they had. We discussed it for some time, and discussed ways to get around it. Apparently there's some control that can cut down on some of the really harsh stuff, so we decided to try that and see how it went. You should have seen the kid's faces when Jack and I discussed the "bad words" used. They couldn't believe that I would say those words (I know, you're shocked as well), but he explained it was part of the discussion process and we weren't using the words towards someone else.

In the end, I told Jack that with the controls in place, plus the "indicators of whether he can handle it" in place I gave my permission for him to play the one of the games. And we also discussed why the second one wasn't appropriate and Jack turned to his friends and said, "Sorry guys. I can't play that one."

As the kids were walking down the hall, I heard one kid say to Jack, "Wow, man. That was cool. You and your mom talk about these things. My mom just says no, and there's no discussion."

Yeah she might have said no, but they have the games anyway so they obviously play them so it doesn't mean much.

It just goes to show you, they want to know why and when they do it makes it easier to take.

Various and Sundry...

2011-07-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

So it's now July, and my summer is almost over (for the school administrators I know, it's already over). I don't have anything real "blog worthy" so I'll just enlighten you on some of the things that have crossed my mind recently. None of these are in any particular order, it's just how I think about them.

* I love Texas, but I don't really like Texas summers. It's been really difficult to stay up with the watering of my foundation to keep the "wonderful" clay soil moist. I like to be comfortable and have tried to keep the house at 80 degrees during the day, but that's just too hot. I've made the kids think twice about turning lights on during the day and that's horrible. But it's the way it is. We've had 100 degree days almost continually for the month of July and we have experienced one rolling blackout. I understand the need to conserve electricity, but you know I need to do laundry and I'm already hanging my stuff up in the garage to dry (which is already hot enough so why not!?). So, I've decided to lower the thermostat to 78 degrees during the day. If the electric companies don't like that then they can just kiss my arse!

* I"m glad my daughter still likes to hang out with me. She went with me to the doctor's office yesterday and we had a good time. I found Radio Disney on the radio and she be-bopped in the back of the car to the music. It was kind of funny because she was able to get down pretty well to most songs. However there was one song which had her befuddled. She was trying to find a way to be-bop to the music but it was kind of a weird beat. After awhile she said, 'You know mom. This song isn't very good. I can't dance to it!" She was right, it was kind of hard.

* My son opened my car door for myself and his sister the other day. I about fell over! Kevin has worked with him on how to be a gentleman and it's wearing off. Jason would be so proud of his son. He's doing quite well.

* What's up with this whole debt ceiling thing and why are the ones who work their butts off having to pay for the impasse? Social Security and Disabled Veterans pensions not going to go out on time if they don't agree?! I think not. They should get the average working American to take care of this. It's time the richer population help out, the government stop spending on really stupid things, and better money management. It reminds me of the movie "Dave". I really liked that movie a lot. Especially when Dave has his friend come in and find ways to make up the money in order to help out a shelter. Of course no one wanted to give up what they were getting money for, but his friend had said that if he managed his money like our government was, he'd be bankrupt. Well, duh! Sometimes I'm amazed our country has lasted as long as it has.

*In a way, this has been my summer to say good bye. I've come to the realization that I'm taking this summer to say my good byes to Jason. I have often found myself unmotivated to even get out of bed on some days. Last summer I was busy in an attempt to help the kids feel somewhat normal and of course taking care of the estate. Then the school year was a somewhat hectic mass of stress, which ended up rocky at best at the end of the year. So, I was constantly going from the time Jason died until the end of the school year this year. Then, all of a sudden, the craziness stopped. And I found I had time on my hands. Lots, and lots of time. So this has been my mourning summer. When school starts, I will again be focused on the job at hand.

* I LOVE Pandora radio. I have created several stations that I find very interesting. My favorites so far are the stations for Tim McGraw, Metallica, Coldplay, and the one for Film Scores. Just saying.

* My daughter loves country music (the fast-paced beat kind, not the slow sappy kind). We got into the car yesterday and the radio station we were on was playing an old Alabama song. Caroline didn't want me to change the channel, so we sat in silence while the song played out. It was an old Alabama song. So she says, "Mom, I don't think I've ever heard this song." Nope she wouldn't have, I responded. Mainly because we don't listen to country music often, but also because it was written and sung before she was born. "Yep, that explains why I haven't heard it before." was her response.

*But then, I turned down the music and told her about the memories I had just listening to that song. Memories of a fun summer at my grandparents in Oklahoma. My mom only listened to country music in the car on the way up there, and Alabama was one of her favorites. So Alan Jackson, but that was later.

* I went to a happy hour for the students who are on Facebook and went to my old Junior High. It was a lot of fun. I took my younger sister with me. It was fun, and I can't wait to do it again.

So that's it. Again, a whole lot of nothing. But it's fun to write about.

Following in Mom's footsteps

2011-07-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

There are 3 girls in my family, and we each had our own "specialties" you could say. Sara got all the stitches, Kirsten had the eye surgeries, and I broke all of the bones. The list is quite lengthy for the bones I have broken and fingers/toes jammed. I was the athlete of the family and didn't hold back a whole lot. People are always amazed at the list I can generate, and are often thankful that they made it their entire childhoods without a broken bone.

I found out that Caroline broke her foot on vacation this year. I was there when it happened. She fell off some playground equipment at the resort and landed wrong. So, as a result, she broke her foot. She was feeling quite worried when we were sitting in the doctor's office waiting. To reassure her it wasn't going to be a painful exam I started telling her about when I broke my leg when I was seven. I broke my shin bone horizontally and vertically and had to wear a cast that went from my foot to the top of my thigh. When the doctor said she wasn't going to need a cast, you could tell she was relieved. She didn't want to wear a cast like mine for 8 weeks, and as it is she'll just need a stiff soled shoe for 2 weeks.

However, as we were leaving the doctor's office she looked at me and said, "Well, mom, I guess there are worse people to be like."

Thanks.

My Vacation

2011-07-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, my kids went on their annual vacation with Aunt Kirsten and Sara. The Aunts took them to the Hyatt Hill Country in San Antonio, and have been doing this on a regular basis since 2003. In the past several family members have gone, but it's always been Kirsten, Sara, and the kids. I went last year, but after the year I had this year I was told that I was not allowed to go along and that I should plan something fun to do for myself. So, I decided to tour some of my favorite spots (one place was chosen for me when I decided to go visit a friend for lunch) and I used Kevin's apartment in Buda as a jumping off point. This way, I was able to spend time with him and his girls. So on Monday we went to Corpus Christi to visit his oldest daughter and have lunch with her. After that we went to the USS Lexington and toured it. I'll be honest, it was fun to go with them, but at the same time bittersweet because the last time I was there was our last family vacation before Jason died. I made it fine and had a lot of fun. Tuesday, I went to Fredericksburg (another place Jason and I used to like to go). I toured the Nimitz Museum in Jason's honor and only broke down once. I am saddened to say that Fredericksburg has changed since I started going. I used to be able to search through many antique stores in the downtown Main street area, but over the years it's become somewhat artsy fartsy with little or no antique stores. Not as fun. I stopped off at Wildseed Farms and spent some time there. After spending time in Fredericksburg I traveled to San Antonio to visit with the kids and to give the Aunts a little breather.

All in all it was a good vacation. A saying good-bye of sorts you could say. Here are some of the things I noticed while on the road (and I was on the road A LOT!):

* You see more out of state license plates on the North/South Interstates rather than the East/West ones (this could have just been for this time though).

* A lot of people are still traveling.

* A lot of people need to remember that THE LEFT LANE IS PASSING ONLY!

* My kids are good for everyone else BUT me.

* I used to think that if you stayed within 5 mph of the speed limit you were okay, but from observing everybody else it's now within 10 mph.

* A lot of 18 wheelers with cargo thingys were coming up from Corpus Christi heading to Maine. That was weird.

* I counted 31 out of state license plates and 3 Canadian provinces. That represents 62% of the states in the United States. I thought that was pretty cool.

* The Hill Country is breath-taking...and hot!

* I might like to (someday) go on a wine tasting tour of just that area.

* Home is where your heart is.

* Traveling by yourself can sometimes be a good thing.

* I witnessed an event in Corpus that made me sad. But I understand the moral dilemma that the people who tried to help out faced. It still made me proud that the people who stopped to help pushed aside their fears and helped out a stranger.

* I realized that life is too short to miss out on certain experiences. Your work/job will go on without you for a day if you need a mental health day.

* Spending time with your loved ones, regardless of what is going on is what life is all about. After all, it's way too short to put it off. You never know if you'll never get the chance to do it tomorrow.

* Recharging ones batteries is an underrated thing. I need to do it more often.

* People on the road can be CRAZY and RUDE.

* I had a TON of fun doing what I wanted to do, but I'm glad my kids are home.

Summer Growth Spurts

2011-07-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight the kids wanted me to measure them for the first time this summer. I then, got curious and got on the Internet to see about what was average for the kids their age. For Caroline, I looked at average heights for 8 year olds, and for Jack average height for 10 year olds (he's 10 1/2) and then 11 year olds. Looking at their school pictures, they look just about right.

Jack measured in at 5 feet 1 inch. The bummer part about that is he's about 4 inches shorter than me. I knew he was going to be taller than me, but I never thought it would be sometime around the age of 11. Jason was 4 feet 11 in 5th grade, according to the paperwork his mom found. Average 10 year olds should be about 4 feet 8 inches, and 11 year olds should be 5 feet 2 inches. So he's about right for an 11 year old except he's 10 1/2. Oh well.

Caroline measured at 4 feet 7 inches. Average for 7 year olds was 4 feet 3 inches and 8 year olds were 4 feet 3 inches to 4 feet 7 inches. So she's at the top of her range for 8 year olds (her birthday is coming up soon).

Needless to say, they're growing at a good rate. Now, I just need to get taller to keep up. I just know I'm going to be the shortest in the family one day.

Texas History Vacation

2011-06-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

When the kids started getting old enough to travel in the car long distances without driving us crazy, Jason had an idea about our family trips during the summer. When the kids went into 4th grade, we'd go on trips to various important places in Texas History. The same would go for when they were in 5th grade, American History places. I told him he was out of luck with 6th grade (World History). Anyway, Jack just finished 4th grade and I thought I'd take him to some of those important places in Texas History this summer.

We go through and to Austin quite often. So he's seen the Capitol building, the bats on Congress Avenue (I know not important to Texas history but still fun to watch), and various museums. This time, I thought I'd take them to two places: The state cemetery in Austin, and Washington-on-the-Brazos.

So on Thursday, after we had lunch with Kevin and a friend, we went to the State Cemertery. The kids were automatically impressed. It's quite a beautiful place. It's quiet, cool, and has several majestic trees. We stopped off in the Visitor's Center and watched a video, then looked at the timeline of events that have shaped Texas and the history of the cemetery. I was surprised that the kids were interested in it. Usually after about 5 minutes, they're reading to go. Not this time, they watched the entire video and then walked through the timeline information. Caroline stood patiently, and actually listened, when I read her the information. Then, it was time to go out and look around. The kids immediately found several of the grave sites that were in the video. Caroline was extremely proud of herself for that one. We found the grave site of Tom Landry (with the easily identifiable hat), Stephen F. Austin (got a picture with them on that one), and several others. We read several of the tombstones (since they give the information about their service to Texas), and they both found it interesting that there were old graves mixed in with newer ones. We also found Connoly's grave. Jack became interested in him after watching a documentary on the assasination of Kennedy.

We took a break from our travels on Friday and Saturday to attend the Extremity games. It's a small operation, but it's interesting. Amputees from all over can come and participate in events that range from Cycling to Rock Climbing. It's very interesting to watch and inspirational at the same time. On Friday they had clinics and the kids were very interested in the Rock Climbing. Caroline got up the nerve to try it, and Craig (the guy who was leading the clinic) was very patient with her. He gave her confidence by showing her he wasn't going to let her fall. The interesting thing is, Craig is an amputee. He lost one of his legs in a climbing accident but continues to climb anyway. He even designed a foot that would allow him to better climb, simulating what an actual foot would do when climbing. Caroline didn't make it to the top the first time, but she took a break, went back and tried again. Craig was so patient with her. She finally made it to the top and rang the bell. She was so proud of herself. After that, you couldn't take her anywhere. All she wanted to do was climb. Craig let her as many times as she wanted. She ended up going up two more times. The other good thing was, she was better at it than Jack. It was a boost to her confidence because Jack's always been better at things. Now she was the better one.

We decided to stay on Sunday. Kevin went with us to Washington on the Brazos. It was a 2 hour drive and we ended up taking a detour (not planned) to the Chappel Hill museum. The kids enjoyed it, but I was disappoined because it wasn't the place I wanted to be. Kevin found out where the park was, and we headed out. We got to the park 45 minutes before it closed and headed to the visitor's center. Connie, was a volunteer there and she was tickled that we were there for a history tour. I had explained to her why we were there. She ended up taking us to one of the museums so she could lock up. She gave the kids a wonderful lesson on the importance of Indepence Hall and answered all of their questions. The kids helped her close it down for the evening, and we walked around the rest of park. The kids learned some very valuable aspects that Jack hadn't learned in class. He learned about Washington on the Brazos, the Indepence Hall, the Declaration of Indepence, and The Runaway Scrape. They talked about it on the way home and I know they learned some very valuable information.

It was a good trip because they now have a pride in their state knowing what they know about its history. We'll do this again in a few more years when Caroline is in 4th grade. Now off to plan for 5th grade!

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

I have come to dread Father's Day. It brings to the forefront for the kids just what they don't have anymore. Sure, we make cards (thanks to Caroline's artistic abilities) for the Fathers in our lives (Pa, Pa-Pa, Grandaddy, Uncle David, Uncle Eric, Uncle Joe, Kevin), but there is one dad missing...their own. I am usually sad about that, but try not to show it to them, there's no reason to be. Like I've said before, I can talk about Jason in regards to our relationship but cannot bring myself to talk about in regards to the kids.

He'd be extremely proud of them. I know he would be. And I know that he sees that, I just wish they could see that. Thanks to a friend of my older sister they now have a copy of his blog that shows them how much they meant to him. It also shows them how hard he fought for them. In regards to that a big thank you goes out to Uncle Jeff, who gave the greatest gift a human being can give to another...life. Thanks to his contribution to the fight, Caroline can remember her dad.

So, Happy Father's Day Jason. You'd be proud of your kids.

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

The kids decided again this year to do our annual Father's Day Photo. So, we headed to get our family photo the week after school was out. We all decided that this year we wouldn't included Jason in the picture, not because we are forgetting, but because we want to remember. Does that make sense?

You see, for the last five years the kids and I have done photos of the three of us to give to Jason to put in his office. Being a principal is a very demanding job, and often times Jason had to work late (especially since he was in a middle school and there were several activities that were going on in the evenings). So the pictures would give him an incentive to get home as soon as he could to spend time with the kids.

This year, the kids wanted to return to our traditional Father's Day photo. The remarkable thing about this photo, to me, is that they look happy. The sure do miss their dad, but our family, friends, and church family have helped the kids cope really well this year.

So Happy Father's Day Jason! The kids are going to bring you a photo on Sunday. So you'll remember them until we can all be together again.

Friday Field Trips --Summer Edition

2011-06-16T19:21:00.000-07:00

During the summers the kids and I choose one day to go on field trips. Today we went to the Dallas Museum of Art. Yes, I know today is Thursday but the kids are going to go see Mr. Popper's Penguins with my mother-in-law tomorrow so we went today. It's a good thing we went today because it was the parade to celebrate the Mavericks winning the NBA finals. So, the museums were half price if you were wearing Mavs gear and since I was I got half off admission to the DMA ($5). Jack had been asking on a regular basis if we could go to the DMA ever since his class went earlier in the year. He was so excited to show us everything he had seen when he was there. His favorite painting was called, "The Icebergs" and it's a HUGE painting that is quite breathtaking to look at. Caroline and I just sat there and marveled at it. She didnt' think we had any place in our house where the painting would fit, so I explained where it had been placed and gave her an idea of the surroundings where it would have been. She thought that was a better place for it since it was so HUGE. She learned today that art is more than just paintings.

We saw South American pottery, jewelry, and furniture. She was interested to learn that furniture could be art. The funniest part of the visit was the African art. She giggled at the figures that were somewhat anatomically correct, and wondered allowed why people thought it was necessary to include those parts in sculptures and paintings. She was quite interested in trying to read the descriptions next to each item, and learned why it's important to stand back away from a painting or sculpture. Our final stop was the abstract gallery, and I'll be honest, I just don't get it. Jack loved this part. He wanted to show us "Action Jackson's" art. It turns out AJ was Jackson Pollack. Caroline apparently isn't into abstractness because she said, "I do that. Maybe I can get paid for something like that."

We ended our museum trip with the Trammel Crow museum of Asian Art. My favorite part of that museum (besides it's free) is the hallway with all of the origami cranes. They hang from the ceiling and they're beautiful. I would've liked to have spent more time there, but the kids were museumed out (we spent about 3 hours at the DMA) so we left. I'd like to go back and visit the Nasher Sculpture gardens with them sometime and maybe go back to the Asian Art museum and take more time.

I was impressed with how well they did at the DMA and the AAM. They asked very interesting and insightful questions and listened patiently to the answers. They critiqued the art together and Jack was very respectful of Caroline's opinions as she was of his. There were several rooms we didn't get to go see, so since they're free until they're 12 we'll be going back to explore some more.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

2011-06-13T12:09:00.000-07:00

Okay. So, I'm going to admit something that is a little taboo in the world today and that is the fact that I was taking a low dose of Zoloft up until this summer. Right after Jason passed away, I decided that I was having a hard time with the feelings and emotions that I was faced with. Of course, it made sense. My husband was one month shy of 39 when he passed away, and I had bills, work, and of course the children to think about. So I got a prescription for the lowest dose of Zoloft and broke it in half and took that once a day.

I have known that this is a temporary thing, just until I can get passed the one year mark of Jason's passing. I have always been wary of using medicine to help with things like mental health, but this was such a traumatic time in my life I knew I would need the extra help. So, with Summer Vacation here and things slowing down, I decided that it was probably time to start weaning my way off of it. So I contacted my doctor and we came up with a plan to begin the process. The one thing I've learned about this process is that the medicine was helping me maintain but I wasn't really taking the initiative to figure out a way to deal with the emotions that were bombarding me on a daily basis.

Now that I've been on this process for about 2 weeks now, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm glad that I've been taking Zoloft because I would have probably been up a creek long ago. But of course Murphy's Law was in effect and I have been faced with several challenges and realizations all at once. Here they are in no particular order because it just doesn't matter:

1) My dryer died. More money to spend to get a new one. Yuck!

2) I've realized that the way I've been raising my kids just isnt' working. You know, if one of them gets something the other one needs to get something. That is a concept I learned from my mom. When things were going okay, it seemed like a good idea. But now that I'm down to one income and trying to save the money I get from Jason's retirement and Social Security it's becoming increasingly harder to do.

3) I've always wanted to be like my mom in how she raised my sisters and I, but I've realized just recently that I can't do that. You see, when we were little she worked at home. She was a homemaker and did everything for us. We never really had to do much of anything really. I didn't learn how to do laundry until 21, and that was a crash course because I was going up to my grandparents to take care of them. She didn't start teaching again until I was in sixth grade, but by then we were old enough to help out. I think we did, but it was sporadic. So as a result I hate housework. I hate doing laundry, I hate cleaning bathrooms, I hate vacuuming, I hate housework. But I have to do it, and I'm not good at it.

4) Jason used to do most of the dinner cooking because, I hate to admit this, he was GOOD at it. He could think of something on the fly, make it up, or add to a recipe and it rocked (however, there was one he did that tanked but that was in, like, 1998). Right after he passed away, Jack looked at me and said (in all honesty not trying to be a smart ass or anything), "Are we going to starve?" But now I have to do that, but at the end of the day I'm so tired I can't think straight. Plus, I'm not really good at it.

So now I've got to suck it up, face the facts and re-discover who I am and what kind of a mother I want to be and how in the world I'm going to do it. Sucks to be me right now, but I am feeling somewhat rejuvenated. Maybe this journey towards self-discovery will only take a summer. Maybe.

A letter to Jason

2011-06-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

June 12, 2011

Dear Jason,

Do you remember 2006? No, not because of the cancer diagnosis that occurred in May. But the NBA finals between the Mavericks and Heat? I bet you do. We would watch the games in the hospital and then look at the American Airlines Center and watch the colors change on the building. Your very best friend in the whole world, Mike, came a few times. It was a bright point in the middle of one of the darkest times in your life. That is, until they blew it. A few times, the nurses would come in and tell us to quiet down because you'd yell at the television in frustration. :) After the complete and utter meltdown of the Mavericks in the series, you loyally looked forward to the Cowboys that year. That NBA series allowed you to escape for a time and distract you from the battle that you were fighting. Even when they lost, your outlook was good. After all, it could be worse.

Well, now it's 2011 and you've been gone for a year. The Mavericks returned to the finals against the Miami Heat, but this was a different time and a different team. You would have pointed out several things to Jack that you thought were important. I think the main thing is that one man (or two big names for that matter) don't make a team. You would have said, and I would have agreed, that the entire Mavericks team should have received the MVP award because of the way they worked together. Yes, Dirk is the big name on our team but we have several other players that contributed to the series win. Kidd, Terry, Chandler, Barea, etc. The names are too many to name. You would have marveled at how Mark Cuban conducted himself during the finals (quite different from the first go round). You wouldn't have said it was a maturity thing, but a smart thing for him to have done. Instead of talking himself up, he pushed the notice onto the coach and players during the awards ceremony. You would have been impressed with the fact that Don Carter was allowed to go up there, another fine gesture to be sure. You would have pointed out the sportsmanship and absence of gloating from the Mavericks as model for how to conduct oneself in sporting events.

I'd like to think that in some way you were there. The ball that seemingly shouldn't have gone into the basket, swished right in. Did you do that? Did you remind them to keep fighting and how good of a team they really are? I know that they are a different team, and it is 5 years later but it's still a sweet victory. Not just for them, but for us too. I can just see that wonderful Huffdaddy smile.

Love Always,

Me.

Summer reading

2011-06-10T22:16:00.000-07:00

I love my Nook. My older sister got one for me as a gift last year, and let me tell you it's addicting. It has allowed me to continue my summer reading tradition that has been going on since I was 11. During the summers, I'd go to my grandparents house in Chickasha, Oklahoma (where the winds go blowing down the plains... Sorry, got sidetracked) and when it got too hot to play outside in the afternoons we'd move inside and play. Sometimes I didn't like to play what my sisters and cousins were playing so I'd start reading. Now keep in mind that it was my grandparents house. The only thing that they had in abundance was Reader's Digest and Harlequin novels (my grandmother LOVED those books). I'd grab a book and start reading. The really intimate parts of the stories I'd skip over because they made me uncomfortable. :)

As the years progressed and I spent less time at my grandparents, I still made a habit of starting off each summer with a week long homage to Reader's Digest and Harlequin. I'd get five books and read over the course of a week (it really wasn't that hard to do). It cracks me up looking back on it how risque the Harlequin novels were compared to some stories today. But up until today (after all I am blogging about it) I kept the fact that I still read Harlequin novels to myself. I always thought people would look at me funny and laugh.

So I just got finished with my last Harlequin novel of the summer. I bought five of them from Barnes and Noble (they're only like $3 each) and have read them all. They're quite predictable so they're easy reading. Sometimes I find myself giggling at the really intimate parts not because they make me uncomfortable. But rather because I'm sitting there thinking the language they used back then was kind of funny (compared to the intimate scenes in some books today), but yet they were considered somewhat trashy.

So now I can move on to my crime dramas. They come next in the summer reading list for me. The tradition continues.

Thank you Mrs. Little

2011-06-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

That is Caroline's first grade teacher. I can not say how lucky the kids have been with their teachers at their school.

But back to Mrs. Little.

Caroline has always had her feelings hurt whenever Jack would get some mail and she didn't. It was kind of hard to explain to her that the reason he did was only because of my subscription to Game Stop and that gave him his Gameformer magazines. But she didn't care.

Wednesday however that changed. Caroline got a card in the mail. At first I thought it was an invitation to a summer birthday and handed it over to her, knowing that she would want to open it. As I went out to feed the dogs, I heard a squeal of delight and out ran Caroline. She shoved the card at me and between excited breaths said, "It's from Mrs. Little! It's from Mrs. Little!" I read the card and it was a thank you for the end of the year gift that Caroline had made her (a flower pot with flower pens and a beaded necklace).

Caroline has that card posted on her desk for all to see. It totally made her day and cheered her up.

Thanks Mrs. Little.

Inspiration

2011-06-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, the sermon was all about inspiration. The question basically was (I think I remember correctly), "What/Who inspires you?" Now, I will admit I'm usually better at internalizing the sermons more quickly than I did this week. But hey! It's summer. My brain is on summer mode and doesn't move as fast as it does during the school year. That was a tough question for me, and it unsettled me that I could hear several people immediately whisper who/what it was for them. But I was at a loss.

What/Who inspires me? It was quite unsettling for a little bit, because after all SOMETHING should inspire everyone. For a few days I thought, "Maybe that's my problem? Maybe that's why I'm kind of in a funk and can't seem to pull myself out of it." Nothing inspires me. That was slightly on the scary side, so I made an effort to really contemplate it when I the opportunities arose. Finally, I realized that the reason I couldn't think of one thing that inspires me is because there really are several things. Here they are:

1) My kids. From this point of view, they inspire me because of their spirit. They have found a way to cope with the most awful event that can happen to a young person and move forward. My daughter's pictures of her family with her dad as an angel and finding a way to keep a part of our family is amazing. She expresses herself through art and I love that. She loves anything crafty. Sometimes her pictures are mixtures of colors vibrant or cool based on how she's feeling, but she always feels better after she draws/paints them. She has an outlet, and I did but wavered. Now, I'm trying to get back into it. My son's outlet was writing. He got to be pretty funny about it too. He would actually plot a story that would suck you in and then rip your heart out. For his TAKS writing story he wrote about the place we went to on our first family camp out with the Cub Scouts. I asked him why he chose that story (because everything went wrong that time and Jason was miserable but he stuck with it). Jack said he wrote about all of the things that went wrong, but at the end said it was his favorite place because it was the only camp out his dad went on with us. sniff, sniff.

2) My mom. That's a given. She was a very strong female influence on me, and still is. She taught me how to carry myself and about family. She showed me how to be a stern yet compassionate teacher, mother, and person.

3) My Granny (mom's mom). She was a cute woman (of course I knew her as a grandmother). She would often mix up phrases and honestly not know she did it (She once called a woman a "bar gnat"). She was strong though. Standing at 5 feet you didn't mess with her. She once came home from a Wednesday lunch with her sister and found a robber in her house. Scared as she was she told the man to "Scoot on out of her house." Which he did (out the back) and then she called the police. She had an injury from her youth that ended up robbing her knee of it's cartilage to the point where all she had left was bone on bone in one knee but she didn't complain. She finally got it fixed when she was in her 80's. That always tickled me. She took great care of my grandfather when he was bed ridden in the dining room. Once I'd gone up to Chickasha during Spring Break to help out with the both of them. I slept on the couch because my uncle was there (we were in the process of switching out). I awoke one morning and watched as she lovingly wiped his brow and was talking to him quietly and sweetly. They were married 62 years when he passed away. She also went out on her terms. She'd had a stroke at 90 and was moved from her house in Chickasha to her older son's house in Tulsa. I don't think she liked that, the loss of freedom not the move. She developed a bladder infection that she kept quiet about until it became obvious something was wrong. She was hospitalized and passed away on August 14th. The doctors had said she was not improving and it was likely she'd pass away on the 13th. But she stuck it out until the early hours of the 14th instead. Why? I'd like to think it was because the 13th was my mom's birthday and she didn't want to go then. That wouldn't be fair, would it? Once when Jason was first sick and I was helping him shower in the hospital something happened that he thought was my fault but it was truly an accident. In an already foul mood he snapped at me, and my first instinct was to snap back. But a calm overcame me and a quick vision of my grandmother helping my grandfather and saying, "Oh George. Really!" when he'd snap at her when he didn't feel well came to me. It gave me the strength to apologize and continue on. Later, Jason apologized for snapping at me.

4) Jason. Yes, my husband inspires me. His battle with leukemia was a valiant one. He battled more for his kids than anything. Quite honestly, watching some of the drugs they used to try and heal him and learning about them only made my admiration for him stronger. There were days I knew he didn't feel well or wanted to give up but he didn't. He fought until the very end. And I mean the very end. He kept his composure and convictions until his last breath. I know it probably sounds morbid, but whenever things got really bad he'd say, "Well, you know it could be worse." What he meant was that he was dead and his children didn't remember him. Caroline was 2 1/2 when he was diagnosed and in all probability wouldn't have remembered him if he'd given up the first time. At his funeral, we had a picture of Jason at the front of the church. As indignant as could be Caroline said, "Mommy! Someone put a picture at the front! We need to move it, it's not daddy. This is his day!" The picture had Jason with his brown hair and goatee. She didn't remember him that way. He'd always been gray and skinny, not dark headed and robust. So I admire his courage and used it this past school year with a situation at school that was less than pleasant.

So that's what inspires me. Our pastor only used one person as an example, so I hope that it's okay I had four. What inspires you?

It's Summer time...at least at the QT

2011-06-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

This past year there was a QT built near my home. Since I need caffeine in the form of Diet Coke or Diet Dr. Pepper to get me going in the morning (I'm not a big coffee fan) I stop by there when I drop the kids off at my in-laws.

Jason posted once that he knew summer was coming because the 32 ounce drinks at the QT went from $0.99 to $0.49 during the summer time. Well, I went in to the QT today and there was a big sign that advertised 32 ounce drinks for $0.52 instead of the $0.99.

So I guess it's official...Summer is here in Texas!

School Year 2010-2011

2011-06-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Well, this year is almost over and the kids are handling it in two TOTALLY different ways. Jack has never been what you would call an Academia type person. He goes to school and likes it (at least this year), but there are other things he'd rather do if given the choice. Caroline on the other hand LOVES school. If you look back at Jason's blog on the first day of school her kindergarten year, you'll see in her face just how excited she is about school. Granted, in the mornings she'll grumble until she wakes up, then every thing is grand. She has enjoyed and absolutely LOVED her teacher this year, as is the pattern (she loved her teacher last year). She is going to dearly miss Mrs. L, but will get over it as soon as she hits second grade. She'll still think Mrs. L is awesome because she thinks Mrs. G (her kindergarten teacher) is awesome but this year Mrs. L hung the moon.

Jack has improved in leaps and bounds compared to last year. He did well last year all things considered, but he has grown up a lot this year. His teachers and family have helped guide him through this turbulent year. I honestly believe that having the writing TAKS test this year was a blessing in disguise. Almost all of his stories centered around his feelings about his dad and his dad's death. It was a nice outlet for him on top of his outside counseling. He got more organized, it helped that he had his entire (and I mean entire) desk in his backpack. He hardly ever left anything at school, and believed the world would end when he did. He made sure I signed his planner, take home folder, and learned about the importance of doing homework when he was supposed to if he expected help. That was a difficult battle, but he figured it out. He has learned alot about what a friend truly is, and stands up for himself and others when he thinks there is mistreatment involved. He learned where babies came from and how they were made because he began to ask questions after he learned his teacher was pregnant. Surprisingly enough he wasn't grossed out, but patiently listened to the answers that I gave him. Although, he did say he really wasnt' interested in any of it until after college (Maybe it helped that I told him he could go to jail if he had sex with someone under the age of 18). He has learned that there are different types of love and that the heart has room for a lot more than he thought. He has confided in me that he likes a certain girl in his class, but he won't reveal her name. He knows that if his sister finds out she'll blurt it out to the whole world because he's teased her about a certain boy in her class. He knows, although doesn't like it, that turn around is fair play. He has become more insightful this year. He'll often ask questions about where his dad is and why he went. He has searched for answers himself in his world and in his knowledge about how things work. He has asked me several times about what I think, and is open to the fact that he should come to his own understanding of how God works in our lives. I encourage that because everyone has differing opinions on that topic, and that's how it should be.

Caroline is doing better. Of course, she excels at school and enjoys being responsible. She feels pressure to be on green every day, and is utterly shocked when we discuss why she gets on yellow and come up with a plan about how to avoid that in the future. She assumes I'll be angry, because she's heard from other kids what happens when they come home with a yellow. She is coming to an understanding, albeit slowly, that you can't always be perfect all of the time and that sometimes it gets to be too much. When she has a hard time at school with a subject, I try to help her understand that it will sometimes be difficult. I'm hoping that she will learn good study habits and strategies to use when things get difficult in school. It has come so easy for her that I don't want her to get complacent and then give up easily when the going gets a little tougher. She is still having a hard time understanding her feelings about losing her dad, but she's getting better about vocalizing how she's feelings instead of saying, "I just miss daddy." It's hard for her to see other girls with their fathers, knowing that hers isn't physically with her. She does, however, believe he's with her all of the time. She too, is coming to an understanding that love looks differently for different people. I try extra hard to let her know that I love her more than anything else in the world, and that I'd do anything for her. She has made progress in the sleeping over department. She is making progress in every area, it's just that what has happened to her over the last year is extremely difficult for anyone, especially little kids.

But the year's almost over and the fun will begin. And the rest. Above all the rest.

That's it! Back to the TV ban.

2011-05-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was extremely rough on the kids. I'm not sure if it was the Memorial Day holiday festivities, the end of school looming, or just a bad weekend for the kids. Either way, they were HORRIBLE to each other and myself. I think I let it go on a little bit too long, but I can't go back and change that.

Finally, on the way home from the store last night I snapped. The kids were nit-picking each other, and took away their TV. They're down to 2 hours a day, and that will continue after the TV ban, but they get meaner every time they have the opportunity to watch.

Maybe I should take it out completely?

The Journey

2011-05-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday the kids, Kevin, and I went to church. It's the summer season at our church and it's not that I mind it so much as the associate pastors often preach during this time. Not that that's a problem because we have some really great associate pastors, but they're not always as interesting as the senior pastor.

This particular Sunday was an associate pastor's turn to preach and his sermon was titled "The Journey" mainly to tie into the story of the two disciples that didn't recognize Jesus on the road after the Resurrection. I found myself thinking back to the days of going to church with my grandparents and listening to their pastor give his sermon. He had this particular tick that my cousins and I would count to see the number of times it occurred during his sermon. The "tick" the associate pastor used this past Sunday was the term "Your Journey". I joked that in order to keep from having the lyrics, "Don't stop, believin!" going through my head at every mention of the term Journey I started thinking about my journey this year.

People have often reminded me of the poem, "Footprints" about a man looking back on his life and always seeing two sets of footprints, but periodically (during the rough times) only one set. It is then explained that at these times God didn't abandon the man but carried him instead. And that when I look back on my life, I will see this as well. I tend to disagree with people, but since it's rude to contradict (and they're only trying to help in the best way they know how) I don't say anything.

When I look back on my Journey, I will always see two sets of footprints. Most of the time I will see them side by side, but in times of trouble or sorrow I will see my foot prints with Gods circling on the perimeter. An incident happened on Saturday night that helps illustrate this point. At the dinner table something happened and it made Caroline upset and angry. She ended up leaving the table and going to her room. I left her alone and after awhile, she came back to the table and carried on with dinner. All she needed was time, and the knowledge that I would be there no matter what if she needed me.

I feel that God is there for me and will lift me up and support me should I need it. But most of the time he lets me live my life and come to my decisions in my own time (but always staying nearby should I need him). Over the course of my journey this year, I believe he has intervened in such a way as a parent would intervene should their child need them. He knows I will always come back to the same conclusions each time I am faced with a trial.

I admitted in one of my last blogs, that I was angry when Jason died (even though I had been grieving for a little while). I was more angry that Jason had gone to Heaven and left two small children without their father. I even admit that I somewhat stumbled in my faith. But through the generous hearts of my Sunday school class, the church, family and friends I have been slowly finding my way back. All of those supports have come from God. When I was stumbling he moved in to help, as any parent would. And when I grieved for my children's sake he sent a comforting arm to soothe.

So the sermon was most helpful in guiding me to think about my Journey with God and how it translates into my new life. Most people may not agree with my thinking, but that's okay. It's okay with God, and I know because he has never abandoned me. And that's what matters.

Okay Caroline, the threat is over now...

2011-05-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

So the other night when we had the tornadoes and bad weather Caroline started putting things that were important to her into our safe place. It was fun looking at what she picks out as important and figuring out why it was important to her. But when the storms passed and we could resume our normal lives, I cleaned out the items and put them back where she'd gotten them from.

This morning, I went back into my closet to get my clothes for the day and I almost step on some more items she's put into the closet since Tuesday night. There was her piggy bank she'd made at one of the clay stores, more pictures of her and her dad, more pillow pets, pictures she's drawn, her baby book, and more crayons.

Okay, we need to have a talk. The threat is over, but she is still putting items in my closet. Maybe I'll just find a spot for them and leave them there for the next natural disaster we have.

State Standardized Testing

2011-05-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

Well, the State of Texas has finally posted their results for the last administration of the TAKS test. I'm proud to say that Jack passed all three of his tests...Math, Reading, and Writing. This year he was commended in Reading again, which is better than last year when he was "condemned" (see post from last year at this time). He is very proud of the results because Math is not his strongest subject.

I'm relieved because I just am. He has changed considerable this passed year, and according to my mother-in-law is right on schedule with Jason. You see, Jason had a hard time in school. He wasn't the most organized person in the whole world and things just didn't click very fast (didn't with me either). His mom and dad worked with him constantly and eventually (I believe it was 5th grade) it clicked. He got organized and started doing well studying.

Jack has made tremendous progress this year in regards to the same things that Jason struggled with. He's more organized (he carries his whole desk in his backpack) and has become very good at putting things in the correct folder. He has developed a system and it works for him. His confidence has improved greatly this year, and it has a lot to do with the fact that he liked ALL of his teachers. He even loves the substitute that took over for his teacher when she had her babies. I believe that the babies will be coming up for their first public outing to the school today (Jack has kept me updated).

So overall, this year was a success for him (and his sister). It's almost over and then here comes Summer! Yea!

What is Important.

2011-05-25T05:38:00.000-07:00

Last night, as predicted, the storms marched violently through the DFW area. While many places were extremely hard hit, the area where I live only received high wind and rain. The sirens went off a couple of times so we marched to the closet to sit and wait. The first siren, I believe, was for wind sheer which never amounted to a tornado but could have. The second siren was for hail, but we didn't see any at our house.

Of course, Mother Nature had to do this during the Dancing With The Stars finals, but we ended up seeing the end which was nice. Every commercial break had us returning to the ABC affiliate weather center for updates, which although it posed a great learning experience for the kids only added to their panic mode. So to keep them busy, I had Jack go play his video game and Caroline chose to get the closet ready for us in case we had to duck and cover.

When the first siren went off and we all headed to our safe area (dogs and all) I first discovered what Caroline had put in our safe area. It honestly looked like a tornado had gone through it. There was a blanket, all of her pillow pets, Iggy the Iguana (Jack had gotten it during his hospital stay a year and half ago and then Jason had it with him in the hospital the last time), her plates from Kindergarten and 1st grade, books, art supplies, pillows from her bed, a picture frame my dad had gotten her for her birthday, My sister's schedule board where she puts down days when she'll be at our house for bedtime, and a picture of Caroline and Jason.

All of those things are important to her in some way. It was interesting to see what she put and try and discover why it was important.

When the storm was over and I was tucking the kids into bed Caroline said another prayer for the evening. She thanked her dad for staying with us during the storm and making sure that nothing bad happened. She looked at me and said, "I miss him something awful, but I'm too young to die. I'll see him again someday, just now is not the best time you know."

Wow and yes, I know. Thanks Jason. I miss you too, but it's nice knowing someone is up there going to bat for us during stormy times (weather related or not).

Where has the time gone?

2011-05-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

As I fell asleep last night, I was thinking about a comment that Jack had made earlier that day. He said, "Wow! The school year has gone by quickly." I know that he was also referring to the other part of the year that we had had as well. The funny thing was, I agreed but in a grander sense. Where has the time gone?

Jack will be in 5th grade! I'm not sure why that's harder for me to wrap my head around compared to the fact that he's 10 years old. But it is. He wants to do Safety Patrol and can't wait for band. He is going to go to Sky Ranch with mom as the chaperone (instead of dad). He's almost, ALMOST, taller than me but I can remember when he was 20 inches long, now he's more than 60 inches! He asked me yesterday what people know him as, I think he was looking for reassurance that he's a good kid. I said he was known for being a lot like his dad at that age, he was a good friend, and a great Lego building with a good imagination. That made him happy. Sometimes at night when he's all covered up and only his face is showing, I can catch glimpses of Baby Jack and my heart is filled with conflicting emotions.

Caroline will be in 2nd grade! She's so mature for her age, it's hard to remember that she's only 7. I went on a field trip with her and she's DEFINITELY the tallest kid in her class (however, her birthday is in September). She was spouting off facts about the animals that she'd read about in preparation for the zoo trip, and led her group mates around like she was the tour-guide for the zoo. She asked me what she was known for and hers were quite different. She's a lot like her Nana, which means she's a lot like me because I'm a lot like my mom. Caroline's creative and imaginative in that she can draw remarkably well and kicked everybody's behind playing Lego Creationary this past weekend. She's a caring person who loves every teacher she's ever had.

My kids are my joys in life and my greatest accomplishments. I am thankful for my late husband for helping to give me these wonderful gifts that have gotten me through this past year. I love you guys!

Things I've learned this year...

2011-05-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

This has had to be the most trying year to date for me. I know that there'll be more years like this, and maybe God had me go through this so that I'll be ready when it happens again. Who knows? But here's what I've learned this year...

* My children are awesome (even when they're not). I am constantly amazed at them and their strength.
* It's hard to figure out who you are as an individual when you were so used to being part of a team for so long.
* Relationships with in-laws is just as tricky when a loved one is gone than when they were alive. We're figuring it out though.
* Even though I don't have the support of Jason here on Earth, he's in everyone else who's helped out along the way. When I was first having trouble at school, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of isolation because Jason wasn't here for me to talk to and be comforted by. There were no wise words of wisdom from him (both eloquent and not) and I felt alone. When I confided (slightly) in my children that I was feeling bad because daddy wasn't here to make me feel better, Jack found an app on his iPod touch that he used to illustrate how "Daddy was going to handle it." So even though Jason wasn't here to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay, he spoke through our son. Caroline drew pictures that showed me how strong she thinks I am, he spoke through our daughter. He has spoken through all of the family members and friends who offered comfort and words of encouragement through this difficult time.
*The spiritual heart has enough room to love lots of people, and that love can look different for different situations. This is a difficult concept to explain to a 10 and 7 year old, but we're making progress.
*Grieving can begin even when someone's still alive. I have come to realize that I was grieving (albeit a different kind of grieving) before Jason died. So my place in the grieving process was further along than most simply because I lived with him on a daily basis and saw the transformation.
* I am stronger than I thought, but it's because of my family, friends, and especially my children.
* I've tried to spend more time at the cemetery, but I can't. I prefer to see Jason in pictures and memories, and in my children than in a place of physical ending. The kids and I see Jason everywhere, in signs he might be sending from Heaven.
*As ashamed as I am to admit it, my faith was shaken this past year. Deep down I was angry that Jason left. No matter how many times I thought back to the sermon our pastor gave shortly after Jason was diagnosed the first time, I was still mad. How could it happen to two small children who worshipped their dad? I wasn't mad for me, I spent 14 glorious years with him, 13 married to him. I was jealous of the older couples who sat in the pews Sunday after Sunday because that was never going to be Jason and me. God had answered our prayers for Jason to not be in pain, sick, or hurting; it just wasn't the way I'd wanted it.
*I've slowly been working my way back to my faith, but I still have worries about that and admire the people who can accept it with blind faith that there is something after this.
* Bullies are everywhere. Not just when you're young. That needs to be shown to kids too. We have lessons and activities for kids to do in classes and schools that deal with bullying amongst kids, but they also need to see that it happens in life in general and no matter how you feel about it you shouldn't give in or let them win. If you know what's been going on with me at work, you'll know what I'm talking about. Caroline and I had a very good conversation about this, and I'm glad that I was able to pull from that experience and show her how to deal with them. Even if I didn't get what I'd expected or hoped for, I would still let the world know about the bully in my life and stand up to them so that they'd know I wouldn't give up or back down from them. Caroline got the message, and so it's worth it.
*TV makes kids mean. Now this may not be for all kids, but mine it sure is true. We had to go 1 week without electronics due to an infraction of gigantic proportions on Jack's part. The kids were nicer to each other, went to bed on time without arguing, and were generally happy people. After two weeks with TV and electronics I had to take it away again because Jack waited until bedtime to do his homework and had a melt-down in the process.

Goal accomplished

2011-05-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

After suffering from a severly jammed finger, Caroline went and did something she hasn't done in over a year...she spent the night at a friend's house.

I'm sure you've seen the blogs of the past and read about how fearless she was before her daddy died. She had a mental list of people she would go spend the night with, and she went often. She wasn't even in first grade, but she had no qualms about spending the night away from home. Then, one day, she went to spend the night at a friend's house and her dad had to be taken back to the hospital not to return home again. This affected her quite a bit. To the point where she wouldn't go spend the night at anybody's house...relative or not.

Gradually, she did go spend the night at her Nana's house or Grammy and Pa's house but never a friend's house. But after Easter of this year, I decided to try something new. I suggested that she set a goal for herself, after all, Easter is a time for new beginnings. And what a perfect time to try something new. I suggested to her that before next Easter, she should spend the night at a friend's house at least one time. So it could be now or the day before Easter 2012, but it had to be once. So she picked her friend Z and Z's mom and I made arrangements for this weekend.

Of course we talked about what she feared the most, which was mainly that I'd be gone when she came home the next day (which is totally understandable), but she could call me at any time if she needed to talk. But she had to understand that I wouldn't come and get her. So yesterday she was picked up at 6:00 p.m. and returned home this afternoon at 4 p.m. She had a wonderful time and even asked if she could do it again soon. Of course Z's mom is only happy to help out. She's been a great friend for several years now.

Mission accomplished!

One day they'll be proud...I think.

2011-05-06T04:13:00.000-07:00

This year has posed some interesting challenges for me, both personally and professionally. I think I've done an excellent job in balancing the demands of work and home, and trying to keep my children from falling into a deep depression due to their dad's death. I've had to navigate life as a single parent (which I understand is nothing new to some people), and that's hard. I've had times when I just wanted to go away from everything that's been going on. After all, isn't losing your spouse whom you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with and was your soul mate horrible enough? On top of that what about your kids? They've barely begun their lives and now they'll have to do that without their father. Some might think, "Well, you knew Jason wasn't going to live as long as the average person because of chemotherapy and other drug cocktails." And my answer is, "Yes I know, but I didn't expect to lose him at 38! He was even hoping for late 40's." On top of that work has been difficult these last few months.

I've tried to hide it from my children, but it's hard. They know something is going on, but they aren't quite sure what. All they know is that mommy's work is really hard right now. They're too young to know what is truly going on, but someday I hope they'll look back and be proud of what I've done and am doing.

There's more to why I hope that one day they'll be proud. But it'll have to wait until everything is over.

New Beginnings

2011-04-25T04:31:00.000-07:00

I've always looked at Easter and a time for new beginnings, kind of like a New Year (except in April, not January). Last year, at Easter I was hoping for more time with Jason, but that didn't happen. Instead, I found myself in a new situation...young widow with two small children. I know that for a while I had been a single mom, it was just that Jason was available if I needed him to talk to the kids or something. But now I was without him and wondering how on Earth I was going to make it.

Well, the year has passed and we finally (and I mean it!) have made it through our last first. Jason died last year after Easter because it had come earlier than this year. As I sat in church with Jason's family, the kids and Kevin I realized that this year will be a year of more beginnings. Some will be scary, others will be happy, and others I don't really know yet how to feel about them. I do know that no matter what, God and Jason will be there to help me through whatever it is that troubles me. I might not understand why it happens, but I must look for the positive no matter what.

So here's to new beginnings. Happy Easter everyone.

Dear J and C,

2011-04-03T22:19:00.000-07:00

Thursday will be one year since we said goodbye to daddy. I can't believe it's been a year (I honestly didn't know how I'd make it). I'm so proud of your resilience and open mindedness to the situation you found yourselves in a year ago. We have talked a lot, the last few days, about this week and here are some things I've learned from you both:

* You are two of the most wonderful children I know. You were thrust into a situation five years ago that no one would wish on any child. Your determination to build memories with your dad has been nothing short of admirable. These memories, even though they are hard to think about, are part of what has kept you on track.

* Your open mindedness to where daddy went and why. At this point in your lives most children are thinking about fun, playing, and being a kid. You two, however, have had to think about what happens to us when we die. I am so thankful that your dad and I found a wonderful church home. That religious anchor has supported us throughout this past year. It has even helped you understand something that you cannot see or grasp with your young minds. Searching for an answer as to why daddy was taken from us so early may never be answered in this life, but it is lessons and stories from the Bible that have helped us draw possible conclusions.

*You are two very compassionate people. This experience has helped you have empathy for others. The bond you two have is the kind that many siblings would envy.

Here is what I hope you will remember in the coming years (especially when you are troubled or sad):

* Many of the wonderful qualities you have come from your dad. He was a very compassionate person, and only wanted what was best for you two. He was so proud the first time we heard your heartbeats. He was constantly amazed that he'd help create two very different human beings, that he hoped would grow up to be whatever they wanted and also be great people. I believe that you are on the right track, and only have to ask yourself what your dad would want or do in certain situations.

* Your dad fought his hardest to be with you. You were always first and foremost in his mind, thoughts, and will to fight. Every milestone or victory he accomplished, he was most happy for you.

* Your dad was very good at what he did. Of course, he had the support and love from his family but that only allowed him to be the best he could be. He never tackled anything alone. He knew his family would always be behind him (or in my case beside him) to fight and do what was needed in order for him to fulfill his goals. He would always want you to remember that you will NEVER be alone. Not only will he and God be on your side, but I will be there as well as your extended family (on Earth and in Heaven).

* He always wanted you to do what made you happy. He did what made him happy, and expects no less from you.

Remember - you are much stronger than you give yourselves credit for. I'm such a proud mom right now, it would embarrass you if I were to tell you. So I'm writing this down so you'll someday read it and remember how special and loved you are. You have been my strength and my reason to get up everyday and face life's challenges without your dad. Notice, I didn't say alone. I'm not alone. I have you both, plus the many friends and family that were touched by our family and their strength.

Say What? Continued

2011-03-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

Periodically my kids will say something that is too funny, or too wise for their years. Caroline came home from her Adventure Guides campout with the following story:

She was telling me about her campout and all the fun she had (which was a relief because she usually pulls the weepy, I-don't-want-to-go routine before she leaves). She told me she got to go horseback riding and it was a lot of fun. Apparently the horse she rode could be somewhat of a bully (in her words) but she handled him just fine. She got excited about telling me about the experience and it was obvious her brain was moving faster than she could tell me and this is what I heard as we were going to the grocery store:

"It was so much fun mom! I rode a guy...." I'm sorry, what did you just say? Turns out the horse's name was Guy and she'd meant to say, "I rode a horse named Guy." but it didn't come out that way.

I think they need to name their horses better.

A night all to myself

2011-03-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a special treat. I found myself alone. Yep, that's right no kids nothing. I was actually looking forward to tonight because I was just going to be responsible for myself. I could do anything I wanted to do, and since I just got paid I decided to go and buy myself some new running shoes. I know, I'm a wild and crazy girl.

I stayed late at work and got some stuff done for Saturday School and next week. I purposefully did this so that I could miss the rush hour traffic. I also did this so I wouldn't have to go home...to an painfully empty and quiet house. I left school about 7 and headed north to the outlet mall. I found myself a nice pair of running shoes and headed home. It had been an extremely rough day, that ended an extremely stressful week, which I'm finding will only be one of many leading up to the anniversary. So, it was with a little shock that I found myself crying in the car on the way home. Relieving stress I guess. It's been awhile since I've had the opportunity to be truly by myself, and I found that even though I was looking forward to it at the same time I wasn't looking forward to it.

I reflected on the week behind me and realized that I had been putting on a brave face for the kids even though I was, at times, extremely sad. Work has been especially rough this year, and March-April is not a stress free time in Texas schools. I've had times this week when I've sworn Jason was around: the sound in someone's voice, a dream I've had, and the endless questions I get from the kids about where he is right now. These moments when I honestly believe he was there, have also reminded me about what I lost, and also makes me think I'm going crazy. I'm told it's quite normal to have these feelings, and I guess it is.

So tonight gave me the opportunity to let it all out and cry whenever I felt like it (which was often) and not worry about whether or not the kids knew.

Passion

2011-03-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

I'm driving to my latest 5K with my daughter in the car (this was a few weeks ago), and she's in the back just rambling about whatever pops into her head. All of a sudden she says, "Mom, I'm going to pack up my Barbies and give them to Goodwill."

Whoa!!! Tap the breaks there. What did she just say? I mean, Barbies have been her world since she was a toddler. We had to have everything Barbie. Why, just two Christmas' ago she'd only wanted the Townhouse for Christmas. And, I found myself saying, "Well, okay. Why don't we just box them up and keep them for a little bit in case you change your mind. We can give any duplicate Barbies to Goodwill." (Now that was saying something considering I despised Barbies growing up).

I asked her why this change in direction in regards to toys and she responded, "Well mom it's like this: Barbies just aren't my passion anymore. I'm more passionate about Bayblades and Pokemon than Barbies. I'd rather be out riding my bike or playing soccer. Everyone should have a passion. You know?" Yeah, I know. But I didn't expect my seven year old to talk about passion. She went on to say that dancing just wasn't her passion either. Tennis was, as is art. So I guess we'll go in that direction and let her experience what is her passion.

What's your passion?

Food, Friends, and Laughter

2011-03-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

This has been a really good Spring Break. It's another first without Jason eventhough last Spring Break he was in the hospital and wasn't able to spend it with the kids. This is the first one where he's been REALLY unable to spend it with the kids. We have a few more weeks until the one year anniversary, so things have begun to be stressful for the kids and myself. I read that the weeks leading up to the actual day can be trying, so I'm trying to get the kids to talk more about their feelings and we've been going to the cemetery more than we usually do. It's interesting that when we go the kids usually check out Jason's grave and then go exploring the little creek that runs by his grave.

This Spring Break the kids and I have done some traveling. The Thursday we were out, we headed down to Kyle to spend a long weekend with Kevin and his daughters. I texted Jason's first boss in Little Elm to let her know we were heading down that way and maybe we could come by for a visit. After some texting back and forth we decided on lunch Friday in Bastrop. The gentleman who was superintendent when Jason was in Little Elm is now the superintendent in Bastrop and some of the employees that Jason also worked with are now in Bastrop as well. So, it was a pleasant surprise when the kids and I showed up at the administration building and saw the familiar faces. We went to a restaurant in downtown Bastrop and all of the people that Jason worked with joined us, even the superintendent. It was great to see them and find out how they were doing and to let them see how well we are doing. There were some funny stories about Jason in Little Elm, and I found out that Jason's former principal used stories about him in her trainings. So his memory is still living on. She also had a picture collage in her office that had pictures of Jason when they worked together. Jack and Caroline had a good time listening to some of their memories of their dad. A couple of times Jack even gave them a look that reminded them of a look Jason would give, and that made him feel wonderful.

Tonight, I had dinner with an college friend. We caught up since we haven't seen each other in a few months (we used to get together once a month), and it was nice to sit there and find out how she was doing. I got some really great ideas from her on classroom management, and it was nice to share some of my frustrations with her. She'd understand because she's in the trenches with me in the classroom. It's hard for some people to understand the stress of our jobs, they try but it's hard.

With these events this Spring Break, it was a comforting way to spend the break. The next few weeks will be difficult, from the standpoint that we're building to the 1 year anniversary. But we'll get through it, just like we've gotten through this year: with friends and family.

Lawn Ettiquete

2011-03-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so something happened today that really made me mad. It was such a pretty day, and I had to put out pre-emergent to help curb those pesky weeds so I decided to mow my yard. My yard's not huge, but with weed-eating, edging and mowing (even when I don't bag it) takes a couple of hours. I work hard so that my yard stays healthy and I'm very careful not to sweep clippings or leaves onto my neighbor's yards. I will often use the blower and go about two steps onto my neighbor's property so that I can get any loose clippings and blow them onto my yard or into the street.

With the seasons changing, my Live Oaks are shedding so I mow using the bag simply to make sure I get all of the leaves. This adds on another hour since the bag can only hold so much and leaves take up space. Not that it was hot today, but it was quite warm and with allergy season in full swing I was tired. When I was 3/4 of the way done, the neighbor's lawn crew showed up. They started blowing out the flower beds (which I did in mine as well) before they started mowing so they could catch the leaves as well. When I made a pass to that side I noticed that my yard had a considerable amount of new leaves considering I had just mowed them up and it wasn't really that windy. So I stood and watched something that made me really mad. The lawn guy was blowing the neighbor's leaves into my yard and leaving them there!

Now, I know that's kind of a petty, small thing to get mad about, but I was mad. But in my opinion, I had just spent the last 3 hours making sure my yard looked nice, was taken care of, and that no clippings or leaves had blown into either neighbor's yard. For that man to just sweep those leaves onto my side and leave them made me a little mad. I stood and watched him, and made sure I made eye-contact. When he saw me looking at him, I smiled that, "I know you're going to blow those leaves back." smile. He smiled back and went back to where he started and blew the leaves back onto the neighbor's yard. Of course, I know that Mother Nature will put those leaves into my yard at the first big wind gust, but it's different when she does it than when a person does it.

Silly I know.

The Change

2011-03-06T21:18:00.000-08:00

This coming Wednesday, my son and his fellow fourth graders will be watching their growth and development video. Fun times, let me tell you. Jack already knows a good deal about some things, but there are some issues I'm not sure if he knows about because he doesn't talk about them with me. Which I totally understand. So I've enlisted the help of my step-brother and father-in-law to help Jack with any questions that he might have. I've done some research and I've found that most boys don't start going through their changes until the age of 11 or 12. Unfortunately, I've already noticed some things about Jack that indicate he's starting early. For example, his voice is cracking. He's been complaining that his throat hurt, and I assumed he was suffering from allergies. I'm still holding out hope for that one, but the other day he went high pitched and then low. He was a little embarrassed, but I explained that was part of what happens. He's also been breaking out, so we've had to create a checklist of what he has to do morning and night and when he's in the shower.

This is going to get interesting and I hope that I can help him get through this as unscathed as possible. God I wish Jason was here. This is his department.

Work Smarter, Not Harder.

2011-02-20T19:54:00.000-08:00

If you've kept up with my career at my school, you'll know that it's been an interesting ride. It's been hard again this year, and I have to think it has to be because it now can be. It's hard to explain if you don't work at my school, but the staff has truly rallied around each other and supports each other because we have to.

I do have to say that the recent trouble at school has spurred me to follow one of Jason's recommendations (which I have to say when he was alive, I'd roll my eyes say, "Whatever. It works for you but not me.").

You need to work smarter, not harder.

It became brutally clear when Caroline said, "Mommy, you don't spend any time with us!" (of course she says this, then pounces on Aunt Kirsten when she gets here. :) ). So I decided that it was time I listened to him and figured out a way to work "smarter, not harder." I came up with a calendar that listed when I'd do lesson plans, grade papers, etc during the week. If I do a little bit at a time, I can get it all done by Friday (grade level planning) and still have time to spend with the kids.

The first week went really well. I was able to spend time this weekend doing laundry and doing some crafts with the kids. I got grades entered on Friday so that I can send home reports with my students to show them their missing work, but still had time to spend with my own children. It felt GREAT!

Another benefit is that I've been able to go running again. I slacked off after the White Rock Marathon, but then got bogged down with work and the stresses of TAKS season. But now, I'm working smarter and feel like I'm doing just as good of a job as before. But the added bonus is that I get to spend time with the kids and I'm not so darn tired.

Now, if I can only keep it up.

Camping Without Cub Scouts

2011-02-16T20:08:00.000-08:00

For awhile now, we've been wanting to go camping without the Cub Scouts. We've all really enjoyed the experience and the wonderful places that you can explore, but with the Scouts things are usually planned for you. Jason and I had wanted to take the kids to some places for inexpensive family holidays, but his health never allowed it.

This past weekend, the kids and I went camping with Kevin and his girls (and two of the girls' boyfriends). We went to Ink's Lake State Park, and boy was it a good time (except for the nights). The kids and I got there late, and true to State Park form the entrance was a little difficult to find. We finally got the tents and everything up, but it was difficult since it was dark but we all did it. I camp girly style...electric/water hookups. We plugged in our heaters and went to bed. Caroline and I had to return to Richardson for basketball pictures, but returned to the park by lunch. We had so much fun! After lunch we rested for a little bit while Caroline took Maggie for some obedience practice. Then we all headed to the canoe rentals and went canoeing on the lake. It was gorgeous and a little unnerving because the canoe rocked dangerously a couple of times, and I had no desire to go head first into the cold lake. The area was absolutely gorgeous and I got some really cool pictures of rock formations and such.

When we returned to the campsite Caroline and I went exploring down to Devil's Waterhole. There was a place where you could climb up to the top and look around and, boy was it worth the climb! Maggie made it up to the top, she's such a great climber. The view's were breathtaking and you could certainly find peace sitting by the lake and listening to the water lap against the shore and the breeze blowing.

Needless to say, we were all sad to go but we had fun. Maggie slept for days she was so exhausted from climbing and exploring. She even fell over in the car on the way home and landed on the floor-board, but was so tired she didn't wake up! Now that's tired.

I know it was a success because Caroline said that for her birthday she wanted to go camping at another state park.

Snow Day February 4, 2011

2011-02-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to me! Well, tomorrow is officially my birthday but I got one of my presents early. It's snowing, not icing, but actually snowing fluffy little flakes. We got more than forecast because of more moisture in the air, but I really think it's because Jason sent it. You see, it hasn't snowed since Jason died in April. Caroline was sad this year because it hadn't snowed yet, and I assured her winter wasn't over so give it time. Sure enough, the day before my birthday it snowed!

She is so happy. She came running in and said that we needed to go make snow angles in the snow that daddy sent. So we did and we took pictures. Today is totally a snow day, and deserves to have schools closed. Thanks honey, you're the best.

The Big Freeze of 2011

2011-02-02T17:15:00.000-08:00

So this past weekend we began to hear rumblings of a major storm actually panning out. Usually, when they start talking about Winter storms heading our way they provide several different scenarios and usually the lesser one pans out. Not this time. I heard that there was a possibility of extremely low temperatures with ice and snow possible.

So Monday night, my sister and I are sitting up and talking about the week ahead and we heard the wind pick up and then heard the rain come. We finally went to bed around midnight and I awoke at 4 in the morning to thunder. The rain didn't sound right, so I went to look out the window and sure enough it was sleet. My backyard was starting to turn white. I turned the news on and watched in disbelief when Dallas ISD shut down at 4:30 a.m., and I knew we'd follow. Amazing why? Because DISD is known to wait until the last minute to shut down. It used to bother me that Jason's district would shut down early enough to catch teachers before they walked out the door, and I would usually get the call on the way to school. I'd leave early because I knew that it would take me awhile to get to school. If DISD closes, then most districts around will close. I woke my sister up because I knew that she had wanted to get an early start if it had started to sleet.

I checked the weather around 5 a.m. and it was dropping fast and the wind chill was amazing. I don't remember it ever being that cold. I mean, most of the morning the windchill was -1 degree below zero. I had to go drop my car off to get fixed and my father in law came to get me. We did just fine but we slid a couple of times. He was pretty sure we'd be out another day because the roads weren't clear of ice and it hadn't gotten above 20 degrees all day. Sure enough, we were out on today.

But then the rolling outages started. So tomorrow we'll be out again. I haven't remembered that happening since fourth grade. I remember school starting and then halfway through the morning getting to go home because it had been so cold for so long. The utility companies had redirected the energy. This time though, they're rolling the outages to help with the grid mainly because it's been so cold in so many places for more than a week. Wow. This has been a weird week.

If I stop long enough to listen.

2011-01-31T04:12:00.000-08:00

This week has been a horrible week professionally. It was really difficult at work to maintain focus on the end result--getting kids ready for 7th grade. It was the first time in a long time that I missed Jason so much even my anti-anxiety medicine didn't help. I missed being able to go home and tell him what was going on and for him to look at me and say, "Sweetheart, it'll be okay. I know that this is bothering you but here's what wrong about this situation. You are an excellent teacher because (he would give several examples)." If an email needed to be sent, he'd know exactly what to say. I miss that.

But during the past week, I feel that he did tell me that. As I'd lay in bed before going to sleep, I'd think about the day and always be thankful for my kids. Jack kept telling me reassuring things and asking about how my day had gone. He'd sometimes try and think of things I could do that would make work nicer. Caroline wrote a story about "Mommy Frog"at school and how she fought bullies during the day.

If I stopped long enough to listen he was there. Telling me it would be alright, because I had my children.

Sometimes I think they channel him

2011-01-31T04:07:00.000-08:00

Last week was a doozer of a week. I am feeling pretty confident about my teaching, but my administration continues to send mix messages. Monday was one of those days when I got a talking to about my lesson and how it wasn't "rigorous" enough. The lesson wasn't a regular lesson, but a tutoring lesson.

Now here's my take on tutoring. The students who are in tutoring are there because they're having trouble getting the concept. So, I usually start with just the concept and then work up to the more difficult parts. That wasn't good enough, ie rigorous enough. It was just a frustrating experience and conversation I had with my administration. There were also some mixed messages that were being sent, so it was frustrating trying to figure out what exactly I was supposed to do.

So I'm feeling down about myself on that particular day and about 2 days that followed. When I went to pick up the kids on Monday, Caroline is in top form. She's mad because I'm sending her to her grandparents to rest instead of letting her run around (sometimes in the cold) during Jack's basketball practice. I look at her and just break down, which shocks her into silence. I told the kids I"d had a bad day and that it was worse because daddy wasn't there to vent to. He could always find the bright side and even help me formulate a plan on how to solve it. but now he's not here and I don't have that.

As we're driving down the street, Jack is very quietly working on his iPod touch he got for his birthday. We had just finished talking about the situation at work and how there are bullies even in the workforce and it's horrible (but a fact of life) that sometimes they're in authority positions. Suddenly he turns to me and says, "Mom. This is your trouble at work." He shows me some character in the game he's playing. "And this is daddy." He points up to the clouds and tells me to watch. He touches the top of the screen and lightening comes down and electrocutes the character. Then Caroline says, "Mom. it'll be okay."

Thanks Jason. I felt much better.

Pinewood Derby

2011-01-21T10:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's that time of year again. It's the Cub Scout's Pinewood Derby. Last year didn't go very well, but at least Jason was there to see it. This year will be difficult for him because he really wishes his dad could come. Just like years past, Jack and his Pa built the car. Jack has gotten better with tools, so Pa is letting him do more cutting. Jack also designed the car himself, even going so far as to research on the Internet car designs that might give him an edge. He cut the wood, sanded it, painted it and even convinced his Pa to take him to Elliot's hardware to try it out. Satisfied with his time on their track he declared the car done and put stickers on it to decorate it. He decided that he should paint it green (in honor of Berkner High School and his dad) but put on American emblem stickers just to be patriotic.

I'm so proud of him. In the last year he has matured so much. I'm beginning to see glimpses of the man he could become and I'm proud of what I see.

Good luck Jack!

The things my kids say that crack me up (cont)

2011-01-11T12:57:00.000-08:00

Periodically, I like to post some conversations that my kids have that just make me giggle because they're so cute. My daughter is smart, and I like to think it's because she is very perceptive and has watched everybody around her. But I'm also inclined to believe that it's genetics as well (her Aunt Kirsten and Aunt Dana are very smart).

This morning I was taking the kids to school and we had to leave early because there was a freeze last night. It was still in the lower 20's and I figured that most parents would be taking their kids to school instead of making them walk or ride their bikes (I was right, the line was long to say the least). As we're pulling out of the driveway Jack asks if people can die when it's cold like this. I responded that yes they could die of exposure when it was this cold. The ensuing conversation is something that took place after the statement and discussion on what exactly exposure is.

Jack, "Wow, I hope the Hobos found some place warm last night. I didn't know you could die if it go too cold."

Caroline: "Yes you can. We read about it in a book. Frankie Applesauce almost died when it got too cold."

Frankie Applesauce? I was trying to wrack my brain to figure out who she was talking about. Jack offered up a question about this person, suggesting someone but Caroline was adamant that it was, indeed, Frankie Applesauce. But you could hear the doubt in her voice.

Frankie Applesauce? I kept repeating it in my head searching for who on earth it could be. The whole time Caroline's going over the story again.

Caroline: Yeah. He was out and it was cold and the Indians saved him. They took him in and helped him get better and warm.

As if a light switch (or some heavenly helper whispered it in my ear) went off in my head I said, "Do you mean, Johnny Appleseed?"

Caroline (excitement in her voice): Yeah, that's him!!! He's the guy who went and planted apple seeds everywhere.

I commended her on her version of the story the whole time trying not to giggle because it was so cute. Even Jack didn't admonish her for getting the name wrong. All he said was, "Yeah, I remember learning about that guy." Then their conversation went off in another direction and all was right with the world.

Let it Snow!

2011-01-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

It snowed today. I awoke to find Jack looking at me with a sad look on his face. He was bummed because it was raining and he thought it was supposed to snow. We went to brunch at our standard Sunday restaurant and by the time we left it had started to sleet. By the time we got home it had begun to mix with snow and it didn't take long for it accumulate a little bit. The kids did their standard snow stuff: snowball fights, snow men (albeit leafy ones), and played with friends all afternoon. By the end of the day, the roads were dry but the snow was still on the ground. There's supposed to be more sleet coming tonight, so I hope it doesn't make the roads too slick.

Typical of Texas though, it won't stay long. But that's the way I like it. Long enough to enjoy it, but not long enough to disrupt life (because we know it would...it's Texas after all). It stayed long enough for the kids to have fun and get their fix.

My kids make me laugh...and cry.

2010-12-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

I am having a really great time taking my kids to school. Sometimes it's trying on the nerves, especially the week before holiday break. I take them to school three days a week, and my in laws take them two days a week.

On Thursday, I was taking the kids to my in laws and we passed by the Owens Sausage plant. Jack made a comment about how sad it was they killed pigs there and Caroline became concerned. So we meandered our way through the explanation about the types of pigs that were at the plant. Caroline said, "But Mom! They can't have pigs there that are going to have baby pigs. The baby pigs wouldn't hatch!" That led into another discussion about mammals and how their babies are born. Fun!

Then last night, Caroline had gone to sleep and Jack came out to the couch to read while I worked on school work. He looks at me and says, "Mom, what do you want for Christmas?" I hadn't really thought about it, so I hesitated just a little bit. I told him I was happy to just make them happy getting him what he wanted, and that was gift enough for me. I asked him what brought that up and he said, "Because without Daddy here this year, you won't have any presents under the tree on Christmas morning." That made me want to cry.

Jack is having a conflict with some people at school. They ask him if he goes and sees Jason a lot at the cemetery. Jack says he doesn't, and then they ask him why. His response is, "Because my dad's not there." That is how I've approached it with the kids. They seem to have come to the conclusion that Jason's body is there, but his spirit is now everywhere and in Heaven. He thinks that maybe his reasoning is wrong, so I asked him, "Where do you see Daddy?" His response, "When I look in the mirror." Of course, Caroline's in the back pulling her best Donkey, "Oooh, pick me. Pick me!" So I asked her. Her response was, "I see him in rainbows. Daddy always sends me rainbows."

My kids are awesome. Even when I'm not the best mommy (because I won't do what they want), I'm still thankful I've got them. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them right now.

What a month!

2010-12-14T15:48:00.000-08:00

The Christmas season is upon my family with some bittersweet feelings. Back in June, Jack learned the awful truth about Santa Claus (and has been sworn to secrecy-even allowed to get into the role of Santa). That paired with his dad's passing has made this a difficult year for him. Back in November, the kids and I sat down and decided that we would go ahead and decorate the house, inside and out, because that's what Jason would have wanted. I have to admit it's been hard, but at the same time fun because I see the spirit of the holidays have passed on to the kids. Jason would have liked that.

Back in November, it was discovered that the fake tree Jason and I had bought 10 years ago had finally bought the farm. It started smoking when I plugged it in (not a good sign to say the least). So I had to go out and purchase a new one. Jason was allergic to Christmas trees, and it seems as though that gene has passed on to my kids. They aren't allergic to all pine trees, just the ones Jason had a hard time with. The kids and I decorated outside the house as well putting out all of the lights and blow-up paraphernalia as well. My friend, Kevin, and Jack put up lights on the house and wrapped two of our trees with lights as well. That was good for Jack. He learned some very valuable lessons. I found the old ornaments from my youth as well as Jason's. The kids and I talked about each one and it's meaning for Jason, but I came to realize that I didn't know a whole lot about them.

On December 5th I participated in the White Rock Marathon. I ran the Half Marathon and finished in 2 hours and 45 minutes. I had met the goal I set out for myself which made me feel great! Of course, I couldn't walk for the next day or so I was so sore but it was a good sore because I'd done something great. I had joined Team In Training and raised money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society (Jason battled Leukemia).

The kids still have their moments of deep grief for Jason, and I find myself angry on some days. This was Jason's most favorite time of year and he's not here to celebrate with the kids. I find that my grief is easier to handle most of the time when I think about what I've lost. It's what the kids have lost that gets me extremely emotional more than anything. I see dad's with their kids at the mall shopping for mom's holiday gift and know that my kids will never have that experience, or dad's with their kids playing in the yard or doing yard work together. That is what makes me the most sad.

It will be a wonderful holiday and we will get through this most difficult first. We have wonderful friends and family that will make sure we do. But the most important thing that will help get us through is each other. The kids are very supportive of each other and are very in tuned to me and how I'm doing.

So it is truly a wonderful life and I'm very appreciative of the people who are in it.

Underoos

2010-11-29T10:59:00.000-08:00

I was in Austin this weekend and was out enjoying the cool evening with a friend. We were talking about Thanksgiving traditions and I explained about the tradition I had growing up. Going to my Granny's house and basically experiencing a family reunion. It was very laid back and comforting, but the drive up there was usually horrific. We went on I-35 north, and for those of you that have to travel that you know what I mean. I talked about one year, my mom and dad pulled off in Ardmore, OK and we stayed at a Ramada Inn close to the highway. There's a picture of it somewhere at my sister's house. In the picture, my sisters and I are at the table having breakfast before moving on up to Paul's Valley and Highway 19. In it, I'm still in my PJ's. Wonder Woman underoos.

Kevin and I started reminiscing about underoos in general, and then had to explain to his youngest daughter what they were. We got online and found that the old commercial for it on YouTube and a site that sold underoos for adults. It was really funny remembering the underoos and the fun we had wearing them. It helped lighten up a depressing holiday.

Just like the old days!

2010-11-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited. I gave my students a pre-test on fractions recently. It served two purposes. I wanted to see who could use a little enrichment and didn't have to sit through the boring lessons and what topics I didn't need to spend a whole lot of time on.

So this past week, I grouped the students up who had made a 100 on the test and presented them with a project. They were members of a production company. I elected the President, and the president was responsible for keeping everyone on task. I then presented them with the following problem:

You are members of a production company that specializes in making educational videos. A school in Texas has just sent a request for a video that helps explain the difference between Factors and Multiples. They need the video completed by the end of next week, which poses a problem since next week is Thanksgiving. Using the list of deadlines, create a video that fulfills their request.

The students have been working really hard on it. Their incentive is to do well enough on the other concepts in class and on their homework so they can stay in the group. I told them that the grade would be for math and reading (they had to write a script). I remember being able to do this in years past before the state tests made it difficult to do. I'm really proud of their work, and I think they are too. They want to show the classes their video when they've edited it.

The Bravery Award

2010-11-08T14:19:00.000-08:00

Adventure Guide Camp

This year is Caroline's first year in Adventure Guides. She's being sponsored by a friend's dad so that she can participate since you have to have a dad. Let me back up for just a little bit.

Before Jason passed away, Caroline was my go getter and her brother was the homebody. She would go and spend the night just about anywhere and had a list of people she would call to see if they would let her have a sleep over. She was so confident. However, one night she went to sleep over at a friend's house and Jason had to go back to the hospital. He never came home.

So after that, Caroline would not go and sleep over at any body's house except family. And usually it was a fight to get her to do that. She was afraid that something bad would happen while she was gone and she didn't want that.

So, Adventure Guide camp was a huge step for her. She, of course, hemmed and hawed about it. Making comments like, "I'm going to miss you." and "What if something bad happens?" But I stuck to my guns and insisted she go. Luckily, she was going with her circle and there were several other girls (from other circles) that she knew that were going. So, it was great.

She did gang-busters! There were some slight weepy moments, but she quickly recovered and moved on. She won the tug-of-war, got to go horseback riding, rode in a canoe for the first time, shot a bow and arrow, and had an all around great time. But the crowning achievement was the Rabbit skin. She was given the Award for Bravery at the camp, because she had persevered through a rough six months and went on a camp out without her mom. She took it to school to show her teacher today. We're going to have to attach it to her walking stick, but her confidence level has shot up 1,000%. She even wants to go to a sleep away camp this summer because, as she put it, "I know I can do it now.!"

Homecoming continued

2010-10-30T16:37:00.001-07:00

It was a fun day. Eventhough SFA lost. We started off at the parade, went and got new SFA gear, went to the game, antique shopped, participated in Scare on the Square, and are now back at the hotel. The kids are swimming in the indoor pool so life is good.

I walked about 6miles today which is good. The kids walked that much as well so they'll crash tonight. Jack has decided again he'd like to come to SFA after all. But that might change again.

All in all it's been a good trip. Jason would be glad the trip went well. I think he had a hand in it going as well as it did.

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SFA homecoming

2010-10-30T07:48:00.001-07:00

We are here in Nacogdoches for homecoming. Jason usually made the trip, but we are in the year of firsts. So I made the trip with Dana and Melanie and the kids. It's been a fun experience so far. Last night was the bonfire. I got into town after the kids and we met at Clear Springs. It was a favorite restaurant of Jason and the kids. Then it was off to the bonfire. It was cold until they lit it. Now we are waiting for the parade. Should be a fun day.

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Another first

2010-10-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

This weekend will mark yet another first. The kids and I and Jason's sister will travel to Nacogdoches and attend SFA's homecoming. This was something Jason did with the kids every year. We will travel down after school and get ready for the Bonfire. One year (it was just Jason, Jack and Dana) the Bonfire settled and some logs came down. Jack (being about 4 years old) ran away from the bonfire yelling, "We're going to die!!!!" Which was pretty funny.

Then on Saturday we'll go to the build-up and tour the campus. Then it's to the football game. It will hopefully be a good weekend. And then of course, there's Halloween on Sunday. Whohooo! Another first.

What's the Point?

2010-10-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

This past year has helped me put a lot of things into perspective, and has also forced me to re-evaluate some things I had felt were really important. One of those things is my job. I love teaching, don't get me wrong, but there are some aspects of it that I don't like.

There are days when I feel like I'm not a very good teacher. Jason used to do a really great job of letting me know that wasn't the case, and it's been difficult these last few months trying to keep myself from falling into the black hole of doubt. Recently some things have happened at work that have caused me to doubt my skills as a teacher. It started out simple enough. I turned in my tutoring list, which I had based on classroom observations, assessments (we'd had 2) and homework. My list contained 10 students from each class (about the same as last year). I was told that that wasn't acceptable considering how the students had done on last year's TAKS test. I had not used those scores completely because I don't feel they're very valid. I mean, I've taught long enough to know that for the last month before the test schools spend an exorbitant amount of time reviewing and reteaching. But my philosophy has always been, "If the students don't know it 3 days before TAKS, they're not going to learn it by cramming their brains with it." I don't feel the results are a really great indicator of how they're doing in class this year. After all, there have been 2 1/2 months of vacation. But I still went back and looked at the results and trimmed down my tutoring list to 5 from each class.

Today was the district's benchmark for math at my school. I had heard it was hard, and it certainly was. Richardson is well known for making their tests harder than the TAKS test. This serves several purposes: 1)increase the rigor, 2) hopefully increase the commended rates, 3) help kids think at a higher level, 4) stress out the district, which stresses out the principals, which stresses out the teachers, which stresses out the kids. I understand making the test more difficult to where the students must think more deeply, but today's test (not just in my grade level) went over the line.

I teach the math, and for a 38 year old it shouldn't be that difficult, but it took me almost an hour to work through 28 questions. Jack came home from school yesterday devastated because he made 64 on his test. he kept saying how bad he was at math and that he was never going to get it. I saw the test today, holy moly! I'm proud of him for the 64. The sixth grade test wasn't any better. Goodness gracious! What does making a test so difficult that you discourage kids do, other than making them feel inadequate? I feel that I don't really have great data to use other than my kids knew what to do, there was just too much to do.

So that brings me to the re-evaluation part. It's making me sad that it's coming to this in school. For an entire school year, kids are feeling horrible about their abilities because on the benchmarks they score low, which puts them in tutoring and in the outcast group at school. Only to score well on one test where passing is a 65. I wish it wasn't like that. Life's too short to worry about 1 test.

Oh yeah, and the kids I had to trim from my list? All of them bombed the benchmark. Even looking at their work on the test indicates they need tutoring. So maybe I'm not that bad after all.

Dick's Sporting Goods.

2010-10-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

Jack's latest obsession: Paintball. I have absolutely no clue as to why this has all of a sudden become the obsession de jour, but it has. He has pestered me, and I mean PESTERED me, to go look at the stuff. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this one simply because of the concept. I was okay with laser tag because, hey, it's just laser light. Paintball is a little different. You actually get shot with something. So, I have given Jack another research project. He must do a research project on paintball. He has to look up several different topics and write a paper on it (he had to do this when he wanted a lizard) and if he is persuasive enough I'll consider it (stinks having a mother as a teacher and being in 4th grade where you're tested in Writing).

So, he's been obsessing over this for about a week. He speaks of nothing else but going to look at paintball stuff. Last Thursday night he was looking on the Internet for some stuff. He came back and got me and said, "Mom, I need you to come fix something for me." I asked if it was an emergency and his response was, "Umm, YEAH." I was wondering why his face was beet red and he wouldn't make eye contact with me. As we're walking down the hall he says this, "At football practice tonight one of the boys mentioned that he got his stuff at Dick's Sporting Goods. I tried to find the web page but I couldn't find it. I need you to fix the computer." I asked him if he'd Googled the web page and his response was, "No."

At this point it's becoming clear what probably happened. As I get to the computer and look at the screen my suspicions were confirmed. As I look behind me, I can see Jack has covered his eyes and is not looking (as much as a 9 year old boy can keep from looking) at the pictures that have graced the screen as a result of his search for Dick's....Sporting Goods. He was right, he didn't find the sporting goods website.

Oh well, it was a good lesson on web searches.

D is for...

2010-10-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm taking the kids to football practice last Thursday. For some reason neither of my kids can sit in the back without playing around and then, eventually, hurting each other. So on Thursday as we're heading to practice (during rush hour) I start to hear the rumblings of a disaster. Apparently, Jack wanted to share the blanket that Caroline had brought. She, of course, didn't want to share (because she knew full well his idea of "sharing" is to slowly take the thing). So as the storm brewed, I warned Jack to keep his hands to himself. Of course, he didn't and kept pestering Caroline. Finally, we got to a stop light and I turned to look at him and told him to keep his hands off of the blanket. When he responded that it was his blanket, and continued to argue I popped him on the leg (this usually helps him realize he's bad mouthing and pulls him back to reality). He IMMEDIATELY started crying and yelling, "Child Abuse!". After letting him calm down enough to talk to, I explained that I got his attention because he was being "disrespectful" and I don't tolerate it. I gave him examples of how he was being disrespectful and moved on.

After driving a little ways, Jack said, "Sorry." I always ask him to specifiy what he's sorry for, because sometimes "sorry" doesn't fix it. He said he was sorry I slapped him, then he said, "Now it's your turn." HA! I reminded him that that's not what got him popped on the leg, and he needed to tell me what that was for. He responded he didn't know, so I told him to think about it. By this time, Caroline was hiding under her blanket. At last, I told him I'd give him a hint as to what the reason for the apology should be about. I said, "Jack it starts with a D."

At this point Caroline's hand pops out from underneath the blanket and she says, "OOOHHHH! OOOOHHH! I know, I know." "Yes Caroline, what is the word we're looking for?"

"DUMBASS," she explains happy as can be. Um, no that wasn't the word we were looking for. She's right, it starts with a "D" but that wasn't it. Jack remembered it was 'disrespectful", so maybe it was a good thing she blurted it out.

I kinda walked right into it.

20 years and counting

2010-09-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my 20th high school reunion. I stayed longer than I had planned, which is a good thing. But over the course of 2 days I've learned a lot about reunions and myself. Instead of writing a dissertation on the topic, I'll just list what I've learned.

* No matter how many years you're removed from high school, reunions always tend to suck you back to that time in your life (good, bad or indifferent).

* High School cliques still exist 20 years later.
* I still like to people watch.
* The people I want to see, I stay in contact with more often than 20 years.
* It's much better to go with someone.
* You learn alot about how far you've come when you are face to face with former classmates.
* I learned I didn't pay attention in high school.
* Thank God for name-tags. :)
* I don't like to relive the "glory days".
* The most interesting job I heard about was a guy who was an "ethical hacker". Love that one!
* I can now say I've experienced a reunion.

* I'm stronger than I thought.

The Power of Pa

2010-09-23T03:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday when I went to pick up Jack from school, I was informed that he'd been written up (in the after school program). It was then explained to me what had happened. Basically Jack took something from another kid's backpack, said it was his, finally fessed up, was sent to the homework table to work on his homework and insulted a little girl while there. Now, it's my understanding the little girl was riding Jack's butt about getting in trouble and making fun of him a little bit, but she pestered him to the point of him saying something he shouldn't have and then he got caught. So, knowing that we'd had this conversation several times, obviously with no affect, I called in the big guns.

Normally, Jason would have handled this but because things are the way they are I called his dad. Now, Pa and Jack have a very special kind of bond. Mainly it's because they spend so much time together, but it's a strong bond none-the-less. Jack was totally fine in the car until he heard me say, "Hey Pa." Then it started: the begging and pleading not to tell Pa. I explained to Pa what had happened and that Jason would normally have taken care of it, that I felt it was time Jack had to deal with another man on the subject. The whole time, Jack is trying to talk and/or yell loud enough so that Pa can't hear what I'm saying. It was great! I then asked Pa if he could come over and talk to Jack later, which he said would be okay.

As soon as I hung up the phone Jack began asking questions. What's he going to do? Is he going to send me to military school? He's going to spank me, I know he is? Do you know what happens when Pa spanks your butt? He begged me, and I mean begged, constantly until Pa came if I'd call Pa and find out what he was going to do. After the ortho appointment, Jack began coming up with ways he could pad his bottom so it woudlnt' hurt as badly when he got spanked. Of course, Caroline was helping him by finding fault with all of his plans so he could find a better way. She seriously was trying to help him out, so I guess she's seen what a Pa spanking is like.

When Pa arrived, Jack went and sat on the couch when I asked (which was TOTALLY out of character). They sat in the den while Caroline and I watched the Barbie Fashion Fairy Tale movie she just got. I listened in a couple of times and all I heard from Jack was, "Yes, sir. No sir. It's all about respect sir." I was shocked! Normally he would be crying and pleading and back-talking which would of course make it worse. Jack was very respectful and kind after that. I was floored. He even showed Pa his Wednesday folder work (which other than the 43 he got on a math paper, were quite impressive). They talked about that as well.

So, I have found my new secret weapon when it comes to dealing with Jack. There is nothing more powerful or awe-inspiring than watching Jack and Pa interact. Never underestimate the Power of Pa.

Baby G is 7!

2010-09-15T02:51:00.000-07:00

7 years ago today, Jason and I were heading to the hospital because Caroline had stopped moving and had dropped. I'd been having contractions for weeks, but was able to get them to stop by resting. My doctor had said to come in because we lived in McKinney at the time and with rush hour traffic might get caught in a bad spot. So we loaded up Jack in the car and headed to Dallas. We dropped Jack off at my in-laws and headed down to the hospital so they could check out Caroline and make sure she was okay.

We had to take the side-roads because an 18 wheeler had jack-knifed on the highway and caught on fire. The traffic was horrible, and as we were sitting in it at a red light Jason looked at me and said, "Well, I guess it's a good thing you're not in labor." About 10 minutes after we got to the hospital and I got hooked up to a monitor, the nurse came in and said we wouldn't be leaving until Caroline showed up because I was, in fact, in labor. I just looked at Jason and he said, "How was I supposed to know."

Caroline was the easiest baby, compared to Jack. Where he didn't sleep through the night consistently until he was 15 months old, she slept through the night 3 days before Christmas (3 months). I actually had time to make a bottle when she was hungry, as opposed to Jack who went from zero to pissed within 3 seconds of waking up.

Fast forward to her 7th birthday: It will be one that she remembers for a awhile. The electricity at her school went out that day (thanks to all the rain from the remnants of Hurricane Hermine). She got to eat lunch in the dark, which she thought was cool. Then came the tornadoes. There weren't any at our house, but two went through downtown Dalllas. I was at an inservice and my phone rang. It was my stepmom who was like, "The sirens are going off. We're getting into the bathroom." Then came another phone call from her asking me to talk to the kids. I could hear Jack in the background saying, "I"m too young to die!" and Caroline, "I want my Mommmmie!"

The only way I got Caroline to calm down was to take her outside when I got home (and the storms had passed) and show her the rainbow. Since the Alabama trip Caroline associates rainbows with her dad. So to her, daddy had sent the rainbow over our neighborhood to show us that they were going to be okay.

Birthday celebrations commenced after that, and by 8:30 she'd passed out, pen in hand laying on her bed. She had started to draw a picture of her birthday, but fell asleep.

I'm really happy for a friend

2010-09-06T19:35:00.000-07:00

When I worked at TME when I came to Richardson, the second year I was there I worked with a really neat person. She had just graduated from UT and was starting mid-year in a less than perfect situation. She did an awesome job and it was fun getting to know her. A few years after I left, she ended up joining the staff at the school I worked for at that time. She has had a rough go with some of her kids at school, and some trying times but she's always tried to stay positive. I got a text from her tonight showing off the ring that her now-fiance had given her. I'm so excited for them. They seem really great together and she's really happy. I'm happy for her.

Mom's not so cool, until she is.

2010-08-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

So my son had his first flag football practice of the season on Thursday. I was doing a favor some friends of mine, so I was going to drop off Jack and then go and pick up their daughter for a sleep-over. I wanted to make sure to introduce myself to the coach and let him know that Jack's grandpa would be picking him up. As I'm standing there waiting to be introduced, Jack is looking at me and flicking his head to the side (as if to say, "Get outta here."). I stand there and wait my turn.

As soon as I'm done introducing myself and explained who's picking him up, I look over at Jack and he goes, "Okay, that's great mom. Now...Bye-bye." As he says this he's waving.

Oh well, I'm cool as can be until I'm not. My little boy's growing up.

Another first

2010-08-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

Today was another first for us. It wasn't necessarily a bad first, but it was first at any rate. It was the first day of school for the 2010-2011 school year. Last year, Jason went into work late so he could take the kids to school. Not really a big deal, other than Caroline was in kindergarten. But this year, it was still a family event. Grammy, Pa, and Aunt Dana took the kids to school.

This year is a totally different start for Jack. For starters, he'd acted as if he'd won the lottery when he found out he got the teacher he'd wanted. So this year, here's how it went down:

A half a block from the school, traffic bogged down. Jack told his Pa that he could let him out right there and he'd go on ahead to class. Pa was having none of it, so Jack stayed in the car. When they finally parked and got out, Jack shot out of the car and ran on ahead--too cool to be seen with parents or grandparents for that matter. Grammy did say she noticed periodically he'd look back to make sure they were still there. By the time they got into the school, Jack had already gone into his class. So they escorted Caroline to her room.

Caroline loved it: being escorted like the Princess of some foreign kingdom. However, the moment she got into the room several kids were excited to see her and called her over. She said nary a word of goodbye to Aunt Dana and Grammy. So much for that. So Grammy and Aunt Dana decided that they would go down to Jack's room and say goodbye to him. When they got to Jack's room, they found his teacher standing in the doorway greeting everybody and Jack sitting at his desk with his back to the door, staring straight ahead, with his hands folded on his desktop waiting for class to start. Grammy and Aunt Dana introduced themselves to the teacher and talked for a little bit. Jack heard them talking to his teacher and turned around to look. When he made eye contact with Grammy he put his hand up on his shoulder and just ever-so casually waved.

They're getting so big.

She got a lot more than grounded for that one.

2010-08-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Caroline had me text a friend of mine to see if her daughter could come and play with Caroline. Every 5 minutes (for about 30 minutes) after I sent the email Caroline would come in and inquire if I'd received a response. I reassured her that I would call her as soon as I got one.

Time passed and I was able to keep her somewhat occupied with a shoe shopping trip and some back to school stuff. Late in the afternoon, she started up again asking if I'd received a response. Mine was the same, I'd let her know when I heard. But finally, the waiting had gotten to be too much.

She came in and demanded that I text again. I told her I would not re-text the message and that she should just accept that it was too late in the day. Yeah, that went over well. I knew she was frustrated, so I kept my patience when she got snippy. I reassured her that I would let her know as soon as I knew.

She pushed it a little too far when she said, "Damn straight you will!" and then looked at me as soon as the words came out of mouth with the most shocked look. She then took off because she knew what was coming. We went through the same routine we usually do when she says a bad word, then she was sent to her room for the rest of the evening. She was grounded until in the morning and couldn't watch television or play with her crayons (which believe me is a punishment for her).

She's been a little better today.

Friday Night at Chuy's

2010-08-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Friday Night at Chuy's

This is my friend, Jennifer. She and I have known each other since college. We were in education classes together, student taught together, had our first jobs in the same school, were in each other's weddings, had families, and even though we didn't stay in perfectly, close touch have remained friends.

Just recently, we have made and effort (more on her constant urging because I'm a slacker) to get together once a month. This past Friday, we went to Chuy's after her "meet the teacher". I took my camera and had the waitress take our picture. We've been getting together now for a little while, so why did I choose this night for our picture? Easy. It brought back memories that have meant a lot to me.

16 years ago, Jen and I taught in Cedar Hill. We were fresh out of college and I got a job teaching 7th grade Reading and Texas History, and she got a job at the same school teaching 8th grade English. Because we lived in Far north Dallas and Cedar Hill was in the opposite direction, we carpooled together. She'd meet me at my house and one week she'd drive and another week I'd drive. If we didn't leave school at a certain time, we'd work late to miss traffic.

Fridays were different. We'd leave when we could and head to the Chuy's in Dallas. They had free chips and queso for Happy Hour, and we'd spend some time relaxing and talking about things. It was such a wonderful ritual, and I have thought about it often since then. We eventually went our own ways, never teaching in the same school again. She's now in a different district than me, but we're making an effort to stay in touch. Each time I get together with her, I remember something we did that was funny or just an off beat memory.

So this past Friday we got together for this month. I had a lot of fun reminiscing and finding out what's going on in her life. Even though it's not an every Friday occurrence, it gives me something to look forward to. It's just like our Chuy's tradition, but more tailored to our lives as moms. And I look forward to each one.

This will be my "M" necklace.

2010-08-20T03:50:00.000-07:00

You'll need a little bit of background for this one. Bear with me. When I was little, not sure how old, I was so proud of the day I was able to use my allowance to buy my mom her own birthday present. Up until that point, I'd depended on my dad to do that, and then I'd sign the card. Well, this one time I decided that I would buy my own present for her. So when we went to the store my older sister helped my younger sister and I with the presents we wanted.

I was so proud of my purchase. I'd bought her a necklace with a charm that had her initial on it: M. So the big day came and it was time to open her presents. As she opened her present she did what most moms do when they get a gift that they don't know exactly what it means, she oohed and awed over it. Then she said, "Tracey, this is a beautiful necklace and I love it! But what is the M for?" I happily responded, "It the first letter of your name:.....Mom!"

Now wonder she was confused, her name starts with a J. But bless her heart, she still wears that necklace and tells everybody how she got it.

Fast forward to yesterday: The kids were dropped off at school before we had to leave for Meet the Teacher at their school. They were excited to go and see their classrooms, but I had work I needed to get done in mine before we left. Now, the problem with my kids (and I'm working on it) is that often times they'll pick something up to play with it and then when they're done leave it wherever it is that they are at that moment. Not necessarily back where they got it (sound familiar?). So I was getting frustrated at having to remind them to stay in the classroom, not draw with the dry erase markers, put things back, etc. and still work in my room. Caroline came up to me with a $2 bill and asked if she could go get popcorn. "Sure, you go right ahead. Take your brother while your at it."

They came back so excited. Jack said, "Now mom. The popcorn didn't cost $2, and we got change. But then we saw this on the table and bought it. We used the rest of our money (ie My money) to get you this." What was it? It was a silly little pin that had a picture of Wonder Woman on it.

So why did I tell you the story of the M necklace and that it was similar to the Wonder Woman pin? Jack summed it up perfectly when he explained it this way, "We got you the pin because that's what daddy called you. Remember, he said you were Wonder Woman because you did everything for us, and you did it great. When you look at the pin, you'll remember who you are and think of us!"

I'm going to keep that pin forever.

Now, I'm angry.

2010-08-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

Many of you may, or may not know, that last week my car was hit while parked. At the time, I wasn't that angry for several reasons. 1) the girl stuck around to give me her information, 2) it sounded like she was going to get it big time when she got home, 3) what good would it have done? The whole situation somewhat irritated me though. I mean, my car was parked, she was backing up, and in the small confines of the parking lot, she should have been careful. Should have been are the key words here.

I found out today that my car will be ready tomorrow (after 5 days without it), and that it took longer because there had been some structural damage to it. Structural damage? So that tells me volumes about what happened. She was probably 1) in a hurry, 2) wasn't going slow, 3) not paying attention, 4) not driving smart. I mean, honestly, she was backing up for goodness sake! To do the amount of damage she ended up doing, she had to be moving fast (backwards!). What if someone had been walking up behind her? What if a mom and her kids had been getting ready to pass behind my car when it was hit? The girl wouldn't have been able to stop, or see, or react.

That's what makes me angry. She was being stupid. Stupid drivers bother me.

What Else Was I Going To Do?

2010-08-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Every school year, the week before is a time for meetings and in services and time to prepare your room for the kids. There is one ritual that I find quite hilarious. You see, in the district in which I work, 6th grade is in the elementary. Last year, the state revamped their Language Arts TEKS and this year they adopted a new Reading textbook. So, it only makes sense that the week before school starts, the district would train their teachers in the new book. Last year, for the Language Arts TEKS (herein after referred to as the ELARs) everybody had to go, regardless of what you taught. Now, I didn't mind too much because I also teach Science. So I could integrate many of the Language Arts ideas into science lessons.

However, this year I really couldn't figure out why I was sent to the reading adoption workshops. I mean, really? I won't use the textbook at all. The reasons they gave were pretty funny. But in reality, the ladies who ran our session understood completely the situations. I participated often, but a majority of the time it was strictly reading. So I made the most of the situation, and participated when I could and read my Nook when I couldn't.

The God's were smiling and caused the Internet service to go down in the district. So we were able to go home early. I wish they wouldn't do that. It's a waste of my time and I know a lot of other people think that as well. But what else was I going to do? The math curriculum hasn't changed that much, so I can pretty much just do what I did last year, but tweak it a little bit.

Oh well. Tomorrow is a full day in my room. So that's exciting. I don't have that much to do. I didn't take much down last year. I'll probably even finish getting the toolboxes ready. Who knows? A whole 8 hours to work in my room is heaven.

What do you want?

2010-08-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

The question came about yesterday that we were asked to think about and answer. The question was, "What do you want most for the children when they leave your classroom?" Of course we were not given much time to think, but I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what I want for them. Here's my list:

*I want them to be able to think for themselves. I never answer a question from a student right off the bat. I always ask a question in return. The student and I will always get into a conversation that guides them to finding the right answer. 9 times out of 10, they already know the answer.

*I want them to have confidence in themselves as students and people in general. I know what it feels like to be smart but not think you are, and I don't want students to go through their schooling as long as I did not being confident.

*I want them to know I care, but that I will push them to be their best. It's not because I don't like them, but it's because I believe in them.

Teaching for me is like being a parent. They don't know what they have until they're off on their own. This past summer, a mom texted me to let me know that her daughter had wanted to call and thank me. Apparently, in the math class she was taking to help her transition to Pre-AP math there were several instances where the students in the class didn't know the answer or how to find the answer. But all of the kids from my class did. She wanted to say thank you for being so hard on them. I wasn't hard on them, I just set the bar high and expected them to try and get there.

*I also won't give them what they want, when they want it. They have to work for it.

My first year of teaching I had a student stand up in class and call me a B**ch. I thanked him for the compliment, I worked hard at it and was pleased someone had noticed it, and then asked him to sit down. He did and finished the assignment (and made an A on it). Later he asked me why I hadn't sent him to the office, and my reply was, "Because that's what you wanted. I wanted you to finish the assignment because I knew you could do it. You didn't want to do it, but you did and you did awesome on it."

When I remind students to do their best on their assignments and tests, I usually get one who asks what I'll give them if they do. My response is always the same, "Doing your best is not a measurable idea. Only you know what you can do and if you did your best. If you're honest with yourself and do your best, then things will be fine. If you still want me to give you something, then I'll give you my respect. How does that sound?"

So that is what I want for them. You know what? I usually get it by the end of the year.

At last My Dream (at work) Has Come True!

2010-08-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day back to work for the 2010-2011 school year. I wasn't looking forward to it, particularly because I got used to napping in the middle of the afternoon. Ha! Many people say teachers get paid enough because they get summers off and they don't work for 12 months. Well, I got news for you on that one! I consider my summers a sort of combat pay!

But I digress. Sorry. So we went back today (1 day early to work of the Wednesday before Thanksgiving--my district is one of the few that don't take the whole week which is a total whip!). Anyway, again, I digress. Pardon me. During one of the breaks, it was mentioned that we were going to have certain shirts for each day of the week. That caught my attention. After listening to the description of the program, it sounded more and more like uniforms.

Let me give you some background as to why I liked that: When I first started teaching in the district that I'm working in now there was a big controversy over school uniforms. I personally like them because it puts kids on an even playing field. Anyway, that first year, the PTA at the school I was at decided that they would make it "optional" for uniforms and would encourage teachers to participate. We were told that we could wear our shirts everyday with khaki pants, or skirts (of course, jeans on Friday). I jumped in whole heartedly to that endeavor. I bought one color of each shirt and promptly went out and bought khaki pants and skirts. Getting dressed in the morning was the most awesome thing because my only decisions were: red, black or white shirt, and khaki pants or a skirt? I LOVED IT!

Fast forward to now: At my school we will have a shirt for the day. It's actually a color for each day. Getting the shirts will cost some money, but in my opinion it's well worth it. And the best part is: I can wear jeans on those days if I so choose. Don't worry I won't, it gets old after a while. But the thought of being able to if I want to is awesome! Some of the teachers were complaining about the idea, but they won't get sympathy from me on this point.

Someone once asked me what my ideal job would be. My reply? Any job where I could wear jeans every day! My dream has come true at work.

That was fun! (and I mean it)

2010-08-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

This morning was my first group run at White Rock Lake. I haven't been to White Rock Lake in years. I used to Rollerblade down the path that went from Royal/Greenville Ave to White Rock Lake and then turn around and go back, but I hadn't been to the actual lake in years.

I had a difficult time sleeping last night for several reasons, and getting to train with a group of people that had the same goal as me was one of those reasons. So I got up at 5:30 (yes, on a Saturday) and got ready to go down there. It was still somewhat cool when I got there, but you could tell it was going to be a hot and sticky day. However, there was still a ton of shade and there was a really nice breeze coming off of the lake. The goal today was 4 miles and I kept up with my group for the first 3, but then had to periodically stop to get my heart rate back to normal. Then I'd start running again. I ran a total of 3.5 miles and walked the last .5 miles. I was so stoked! Even though I collapsed in my car when I got done I felt wonderful. I have found another thing to solidly add to my list of fun things to do.

My junior high track coach would've been proud of me. He always told me I should have stuck with long distance running, but I thought he was crazy and continued with soccer (don't worry, I was the goalie so I didn't have to run as much).

What Do I Do for Fun?

2010-08-14T00:37:00.000-07:00

God intervened yesterday and helped me find a new friend. I am so glad that I met this person, we have a lot in common so it makes conversations easy. However, he asked me a question that stumped me (and made me a little sad because it stumped me). What extremely hard question did he ask: What do you do for fun?

A very harmless question if you ask me. I had to honestly answer, "That's a tough one for me." Now, how SAD is THAT! Shouldn't we all know what we do for fun? But in retrospect I've had too much stuff going on to really pay attention. But now that I've had time to think about his question, here's what I do for fun:

*Playing Barbies with my daughter (even though this activity was considered cruel and unusual punishment when I was little until 3rd grade. That's when Ken committed suicide off the Townhouse roof, and my sister wouldn't let me play Barbies with her after that. But that's another blog entry entirely!)

*Exercising - not the let's build my muscles and compete. But the "I'm going for a walk to relieve my stress" or do something with my kids kind of exercise.

*Going to museums. I like the DMA, and the Nasher downtown. There's this place in the Nasher museum that has what seems like a million origami birds dangling from the ceiling. It's breathtaking.

*Art galleries. I like the art museum in Ft. Worth, the Kimball. I'm more of an impressionist type of person and don't really get the whole "abstract thing". I like to know what I'm looking at because my brain says, "That's a pretty picture of a girl in a boat." Not because the sign says, "Girl in a Boat" but my brain says, "Oooookaaaay. Sure. If you say so."

*Reading. My sister just got me a Nook and I'm addicted. I hope it's okay to be addicted to a book.

*Puzzles. I like doing the Dallas Commuter word puzzle because I know the words. I don't do the New York Times because it makes me feel like an idiot, which I know I'm not.

*Laying in bed at night and listening to my daughter sing while she draws. She totally makes stuff up but it's fun to listen to all the same.

*Hanging with friends - I've only been able to this more recently. Whether it's going to the movies or staying at their house and talking.

*Movies - I like going to the movies with my kids, and friends. I haven't been able to do that in awhile so it's fun to start doing it again. Although, I'm shocked and awed with prices.

*Learning new things. I try to learn one new thing a day.

*Writing. whether it's journaling or writing stories.

*Music concerts - not necessarily the Who's My Favorite Band concert, but symphony concerts. The city in which I live has a symphony and it's fun to go listen to them in the summers outside the library. I'd like to start going and hearing them at the Eismenn center here. I also like the Dallas Symphony.

It's not much, but it's a start. I'll keep paying attention to what I do for fun (I promise) and keep adding it to my list.

Now I know that on some of those you were probably thinking, "Boy I gotta tell you that sure does sound like FUN!" (and you may be thinking that in a totally sarcastic voice). But this is what I think is fun, it's my list not yours. So go make your own. And I highly encourage you to make your own list. Because when life gets crazy or throws you a curve ball, you can look at the list and be reminded about what is good about your life.

Funny sayings.

2010-08-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've thought of this crazy idea that I'm going to do with my students this year that will help me take a technology grade and give extra credit in math or science (the two subjects I teach). So I was researching some funny quotes the other day and came across this one. You have to truly appreciate science to find this funny, but for some reason on the day I was looking I got a good giggle out of this one. I can't use it for this particular lesson because it mentions Hell, but I thought it was funny.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a 'hottest part' implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. ~Richard Davisson

You're kidding right?

2010-08-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

Okay. I think I've been extremely patient with the new kids in the neighborhood. They come over at all hours of the day looking for Jack. One time they came over at 8:30 at night and stayed for an hour. I understand it's summer, but come on. There have been a couple of instances that I think would make Jason shake his head in disbelief and would have provided countless blogs about the experience. So here it goes instead. You make the call.

1) One day, the kid Jack's age comes over. He rings the doorbell and asks if Jack is at home. Because I don't let Jack play T or M games on his video consoles or watch anything over PG-13, he usually goes to someone elses house to play. No problem there. So I open the door and am ready to say that Jack's not here. Instead, I get this onslaught of questions that I politely answer. Before he can ask another question, I slide in that Jack is next door. The kid looks blankly at me and says, "Next door?" Yep that's right, next door. "You mean next door?" Yep, that's right. NEXT DOOR. The kid backs off the porch, looks down the street and says, "Next door at D's house or next door at A's house?" Confused because A lives 2 doors down, I repeat, "He's N-E-X-T D-O-O-R." That's right, he's at D's house. His response, "Ooohhh. You mean NEXT DOOR!" OH MY GOODNESS! I felt like that joke, "Who's on First?"

2) Tonight the kids are at my mom's house. They are going to spend the night, but Jack was disappointed that I didn't pack his Nintendo. Too bad there buckoh. So, I'm laying down reading and the doorbell rings. Then it rings really fast, like the code the kids and I have when the door's locked and we need in. It keeps ringing, not even letting up while I walk down the hall to the front door. I'm thinking, "Jeez Jack. I know you wanted your Nintendo, but goodness! Calm down a bit." But instead of Jack's face beaming at me through the door, it's the new kids in the neighborhood. So I open the door and I say, "Okay. I know you're new and I like that you come to play with the kids, but the rules of society state that when you ring the doorbell of someone else's house you only ring once. If they don't answer by the time you count to 30, you can ring ONCE again. If they don't answer the door, they're not home." I know it sounded rude, but I'm tired and my mouth hurts (I went to the dentist today for a cleaning for the first time since Jason's diagnosis so it took some work). The kid then actually has the nerve to say, "Well, you're never home." NO Joke! I explained that all of our family lives close and the kids enjoy spending time with them. So tonight they were at their Nana's house. If I hadn't thought that the constantly ringing doorbell was my son, I wouldn't have answered the door, because I wasn't expecting anyone. I was very nice about it, believe it or not. I even explained about how the dog door works so the dogs can go in and out of the house and not pee everywhere inside (because the younger kid was intrigued about how it worked and how you blocked it off). They asked if Jack would be home tomorrow and I responded he would be. But thought as they left that he'd probably be somewhere else.

To tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help Me Santa Claus.

2010-08-06T08:10:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I took the kids to have lunch after dropping off a friend of Caroline's at her home. As we're sitting at the table, enjoying our meal (keep in mind it's July at this point) and after Caroline gets up to get more of her drink, Jack turns to me and says, "Mom. I've been thinking. I need to know the truth. Is Santa Claus real?"

Well crap! There it was. The question that I'd been putting off an answer to for at least a year, hoping that Jason could talk to Jack one on one and give him the spiel he'd been planning. Jack had been questioning it since this last Christmas when his evil friends mentioned something about it. I had successfully turned the question around on him and had tactfully danced around an answer, but Jack was already thinking about it.

So after a couple of distractions for Caroline (sending her off for stuff) I answered it the best way I knew how--tell him what I really believed. I explained that the magic of Christmas was something that gave people joy. There really had been a St. Nicholas at some point and I promised we'd look him up. He seemed a little devastated (I mean who can blame him, not long after his hero died so did his idea of Santa Claus) so I told him what I believed. I mean really believed.

So here it goes (in case you wanted to know): Yes there is a Santa Claus. Actually I believe there are millions of Santa Claus' walking around. The idea of what St. Nicholas stands for is in the hearts of millions of people around the world. Giving gifts that people want or need is what the idea is about. Giving something that will bring joy or an easier time is what it's about. That's what Santa Claus is about really, and that's what St. Nicholas stood for back in the 3rd and 4th centuries. So if you ask me if there's a Santa Claus or if I believe in Santa Claus the answer will always be yes, without a doubt.

I did however promise Jack that if he told his sister this tidbit of information he wouldn't get any presents for Santa Claus mom this year. I meant it and I think he knows it.

The newest member of our family

2010-08-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

This is Buddy Barat-Huffman. He's the newest member of our family. Jack got the wild hair that he wanted a pet lizard. I gave him a research project to do, in the hopes it would deter him from the idea. How you ask? Well, Jack doesn't like school related things, and research is school related. It requires him to write down things and read information which he doesn't like to do. He's actually not bad at it, but he just doesn't like to do it. So I gave him a list of possible lizards and some questions about how to care for the booger. I didn't have the old excuse that we'd given him when it came up that he wanted a turtle: That Jason couldn't have a new pet in the house for at least 2 years after his transplant. That's how we'd deterred Jack before.

He not only found the information but organized it in such a way that he could tell me which lizard would be the best for beginners. We decided on the Bearded Dragon. So I posted on Facebook that we'd made the decision to get the lizard and one of my teaching friends responded that her daughter had had one and would be excited to help us out. This woman had taught with Jason when he was in Richardson. It turns out he'd had the woman's daughter when she was in 5th grade.

So the daughter came by today and we went looking for our Buddy. I thanked her for helping us with the search and she said she felt it was like doing something in return to Jason for helping her in 5th grade. It was kind of like payback, but in a positive way. So, in gratitude for helping us, the kids and I decided to hyphenate Buddy's last name and include the girl's last name.

I'm actually okay with the "bearded dragon". He sits on my lap and climbs everywhere. I still get nervous when he starts to crawl away, but he never goes far. I'm just a little nervous about feeding him crickets. But hopefully soon, we'll be able to feed him more veggies than meat.

Here's to Buddy! Welcome to the family.

Feeling somewhat guilty

2010-07-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

As I sit here tonight and get ready to blog, I'm feeling a little guilty. You see, I've just come back from dinner and a movie with a friend and then a friend of hers. It was a lot of fun. I wasn't thrilled with the movie, but the time spent talking with the two other women was a lot of fun. I found myself having to think of things to ask about so that I could be a part of the fun. It's been a long time since I was able to do that. That's why I feel guilty.

Why you ask? Why should I feel guilty going out with some friends and having a nice dinner, conversation, and seeing a movie? Because if Jason were here right now it wouldn't have happened. Not that Jason wouldn't have let me go or encouraged me to go, he always encouraged it. But I wouldn't have gone and left him alone. I couldn't go out and have fun with him stranded (and he would've been stranded) and alone. You see, Caroline went with me and stayed at the friend's house and Jack went with his grandparents to a birthday party. So Jason would have been home alone, and that wouldn't have flown with me.

So, I sit here happy about my experience tonight but guilty because of what had to happen so that I could have that feeling. Right or wrong it's how I feel.

This is my Twilight.

2010-07-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EC2tmFVNNE

Jack and I saw this trailer at the movies yesterday. I'm so glad that my son likes Harry Potter. I know I'm going to have to go see this one a couple of times. Once to preview it for Jack, the other to watch it with Jack(if it's appropriate) or with a friend.

Jack has gotten into the habit of grading movies just like Jason and I did. The movie trailer would come on and when it was over (sometimes on certain occasions before it was over) we'd look at each other and give the non-verbal "yes", "no", "maybe" or "hell no!" look. Jack doesn't do the "hell no!" look, he just giggles if it's stupid looking which to a 9 year old is the closest thing.

With Jack there have only been two occasions has it moved into the verbal "We've gotta see that one!" response. The first one was for Iron Man 2. At the end of it he grabbed my arm, looked me in the eye, and said with awe, "We've GOTTA go see that one!"

The second one was this one. He grabbed my arm, turned to look at me, and with the delight and anticipation of a kid on Christmas morning said, "We are GOING to see that one!"

So great marks to the movie company for putting that trailer together. You've definitely got a 9 year old and his mom eagerly anticipating the next two installments.

Reaching out

2010-07-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

That's never been my forte--reaching out. The way I grew up, you didn't piss of a Castaneda girl. Mess with someone in my family, and God protect you. You will never be forgiven, even if the offended forgives you. It's kind of like when someone hurts one of my children. My kids will forget the name of the child, but I never will.

So back to my title. There is this person who I was friends with through Jason. At some point in their relationship this person drifted away. I'm not sure why, and neither was Jason. But when Jason got sick we contacted the friend and the friend and Jason had some good discussions, but then drifted apart again. When Jason passed away the friend chose not to come to the graveside even though they'd been told about it and was totally welcomed, but came to the Memorial service so that's something. I understand that due to life, things get in the way: pride, embarrassment, misunderstanding, spouses (yes, we all know that can be one of them). I don't fault this friend for drifting away and I don't think Jason could have tried any harder to keep that from happening.

The thing is, I get it. That was one area I let slide during this whole time: Friends. Life got in the way and I ran out of energy for them. I've always had a tendency to draw into myself when things get tough or overwhelming. Just like I did when Jason got sick. So I'm going to try and be better with it. I've sent a letter to this person letting them know that when they're ready (it's okay if they are never ready) I'll meet them and show them where Jason is.

Encouragment

2010-07-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm really missing Jason right now. I applied for a position in my district that's different than the one I have right now. It would mean more hours of working, but it would be the kind of job I'd really enjoy. I wouldn't have a classroom with kids, but I'd be working with teachers to help kids. Jason (in a healthy state) would have been totally behind the decision and when I started to doubt myself or that I'd even get an interview he'd say something encouraging and talk me out of my insecurity.

Well, the insecurity set in this morning but Jason's not here to work his magic. So it looks like I'll be teaching 6th grade math again next year. That's not horrible at all, it's really fun. However, it would be nice to do something new. It's the kind of job that I'd like to do and experience.

Just like Prom, but worse

2010-07-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm having a "I'm feeling sorry for myself don't ruin it" mood. Bear with me. A few days ago, I received in the mail an invitation to my 20th high school reunion. 6 months ago, I was looking forward to it. You see, Jason was still here and I was looking forward to going to the reunion with him. He was looking forward to his, but that's different. I didn't go to my 10th high school reunion for several reasons. It was a really hot summer and I was pregnant with Jack. I don't think I got really big with Jack, but he was a big baby (almost 9 lbs) and I was showing and already uncomfortable 3 months in. I wasn't looking forward to having to buy a maternity dress that was fancy and only wear it for a night. Plus, it was only 10 years (how much had people really done in 10 years).

So now, I was looking forward to my 20th because I had someone to go with. Then April hit and everything went down in flames. It reminded me of my senior year with Prom coming up. I was dating this guy who was older than I was, only a year and he was going to Richland my senior year. We'd been dating for awhile and having a good time. Then on the Friday before I was supposed to back to school from Winter break he broke up with me. Apparently he'd been dating a girl for a little bit that did more than I did (I don't feel badly about that). So now I didn't have a boyfriend or a date for Prom. As the date for prom neared, I still wasn't dating anyone (no big deal there) and no one had asked. Now, one thing I'm sure people won't be surprised to know is that I wasn't a very confident person (still am not really) so I didn't have the nerve or courage (or whatever you want to call it) to ask anyone to Prom and I didn't want to go by myself. There was one guy who was thinking about asking me but asked someone else because he figured someone would have asked me.

So I didn't go to my prom. Now, I'm not sure if I'm going to go to my reunion. It's 20 years later and I'm still not confident about a lot of things. Even though my boyfriend didn't break up with me, my heart is still broken.

Shocked and Saddened.

2010-07-16T06:07:00.000-07:00

When I got home on Wednesday evening, I checked email and saw a very shocking news. One of the Reverends at my church had passed away quite suddenly. I was very sad about this because it was the gentleman who had visited Jason and Jack when they were in the hospital. He was there the night Jason passed away and provided comforting words and support. He was the kind of pastor who listened and didn't say anything unless he thought it would help or comfort. There were several times he didn't say anything at all, he just listened. I hope that his family can be comforted in the same way that he comforted so many people in their time of darkness and stress.

Thanks for all you did Reverend Shamblin.

Macation 2010 in Review

2010-07-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

Well, we're home from San Antonio. This year I went with my sisters and kids on Macation. All in all I think the trip went well. My sisters and kids flew down on Sunday and came back today. I drove down with all of the luggage and paraphernalia that would be required for Macation. My sister in law flew down Monday evening and rode back with me today.

Before I get into the actual details of the trip, here is what I found out personally. It made me sad for the kids. There were families there with both parents. I can't tell you the number of, "Hey dad!" I heard. It made me a little sad for the kids. Jack was a little hard to get along with on the first day, but what I came to the conclusion of is that he missed having his dad. Of course, Jason hadn't been down to San Antonio in about 4 years, but it was the fact that he wasn't anywhere that got to Jack. He couldn't call his dad and talk to him.

Overall though I had a lot of fun and so did the kids. We had a good system going. Sara stayed in the room after Sunday and so the kids could go back and forth from the room to the Lazy River and back when they wanted to. The one most surprising thing was on Monday morning, Jack went back to the room at about 1:30 in the afternoon to "rest". He and I slept on the sleeper-sofa in the sitting room, Kirsten and Sara were in one room, and Caroline and Dana were in the adjoining room. It worked out great because Jack woke up early and so did I. We would get our suits on and go have breakfast and then be at the Lazy River when it opened at 8:00 a.m. and save our chairs in the shade. He and I would float around until about 10 when Kirsten and Caroline came down. By 1:30, Jack would head up to the room to rest and then at 3:30 when Caroline was ready to "rest" she'd go up to the room and Jack would come back. We would have dinner in the room and then go back to the Lazy River for S'mores at 7. Caroline wasn't in to the movies really, but did go back on Tuesday evening to watch "Tinker Bell"

There weren't any real melt-downs after we had our routine down. It was actually a great system. The funniest thing was when Jack realized that the Smoothies that were available at the "River's Bend" weren't free. He thought they were so he got a bunch of them. He felt really horrible when he found out Kirsten was charged for each one. I think he's thinking he'll give her some of his allowance to cover all of the Smoothies.

I really had a great time, and I liked the way we did it. Macation 2010 was a success! Thanks M'Kirsten. You're the best!